Michael Bublé's Christmas in Hollywood. Photo / Getty Images
Michael Bublé's Christmas in Hollywood. Photo / Getty Images
COMMENT
We’ve officially reached the point in the holiday season where the Grinch world collectively begs the Christmas music to stop.
For the past six weeks supermarkets and shopping centres have been filled with the annual holiday music cycle, and while many will find themselves humming along to the catchytunes, some of us have found a newfound dislike for the genre.
So much so we are climbing to the nearest snowy mountain lair, grabbing our list of songs and shouting “Hate, hate, hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely” at the top of our lungs. Can we be blamed? Absolutely not.
While the music is intended to have us leaning into our Santa Claus sentiment, it’s instead seen us Grinching out so in the essence of (not) embracing the festivities, so we thought it was about time to rank the most decent worst Christmas songs in the world.
First penned in 1941, the tune is a song as old as time - well, if you’re a Millennial or Gen Z at least. Alone it’s a bop, you can see why it’s traversed time and also why it’s one of the best/worst Christmas songs on our list.
The only reason we have a bone to pick is because Ashlee and Jessica Simpson sang it for a 2004 Christmas TV special and it might have been the cursive singing (a Gen Z term for people singing words as if they were reading lyrics written in cursive writing), maybe it was the baby photos, whatever the reason, it simply will not be on our December 25 playlist this year.
It’s true, in 2011 the Gen Zs in our office (me) begged Mum to spend $2.59 to download this song from the iTunes store onto their iPod Touch, but now we are grown (kind of), we are mature and educated in the Christmas music realm and hearts have moved on.
Hearing Bieber sing “shawty” with his entire heart and soul should be enough to secure its spot on this list, but the real reason it’s number six and not one is because it’s the musical equivalent of a Hallmark movie. We kind of hate it but will always lose our minds in the chaos of Christmas and let it play once a year.
5. The entire Glee Christmas album
Sometimes it’s hard to choose just one so we’ve decided to go big and just choose the entire Glee Christmas catalogue. The show was full of problematic and offensive moments and there was a collective sigh of relief when it ended in 2015.
The only saving grace of their Christmas catalogue is the Unholy Trinity - Santana, Quinn and Britney - who were and will always be iconic.
4. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus - Jackson 5
If we break this tune down somewhere other than the dancefloor, this Christmas song is a nightmare for children of divorce. You’re woken up by the pitter-patter of Dasher, Dancer and Rudolf’s hoofs to find Mum kissing Santa? Is that why Dad lives in a different house now? Is that why Mum’s so shady about answering Santa-related queries? Where is my dad? Too many questions, too little time.
As an adult, we all know the truth but as a little kid, only one thing sprang to mind upon hearing this song: Santa is a holly jolly home wrecker.
3. Baby It’s Cold Outside - Michael Bublé
We’re just going to say it - Baby It’s Cold Outside is a creepy Christmas classic that we really want to hit Ctrl-Alt-Delete on.
No matter who sings this festive tune, no matter where it plays, the song might have been dubbed romantic in decades past but in reality, it probably should have been left in the pre #MeToo era.
2. Grandma got run over by a reindeer - Elmo and Patsy
In the 2000s it was a popular singalong for plenty of Kiwi primary schools, with the end-of-year concert seeing 5- to 10-year-old kids singing “hoof prints on her forehead” and “incriminating Claus marks on her back”.
At what point do we question how messed up it is? Why is Grandpa happy watching football and drinking beer with cousin Mel? Why is he not sobbing his heart out and cursing Christmas more than the Grinch? Where is the “hate, hate, hate. Double hate. Loathe entirely” scene directed at Santa?
Landing the number one spot on our list is the hyper-sexualised festive tune, Santa Baby.
Having been revived by Madonna in 1987, the song might be catchy but should Santa be harassed when all he’s trying to do is deliver presents to the good children of the world? No way.
Our colleague really did say it best when he marched over to the Lifestyle team and declared: “There is no need to sexualise Santa! Leave Santa alone!”
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.
