The secret diaries of ... Paul Henry and Mike Hosking

Paul Henry, host of the brand new Paul Henry show which everyone is talking about, not least of whom Paul Henry.

Henry: Easter. Well, what can you say about Easter other than it's the calm before the storm, the build-up to the main event, the curtain-raiser to the brand new The Paul Henry Show which everyone is talking about and who can blame them because we're doing something new, we're doing something radical, we're putting my face on TV at the same time as putting my voice on radio, there is no escape, I am with you, I am with you always.

Hosking: Easter. It's a golden age. Four whole days for everyone to barbecue thick steaks and drink good wine by the pool. Unless it rains, and let's face it, there's always someone wanting to rain on life's wonderful parades.

Top of the list are the media. The media put a miserable spin on everything. No wonder the media are held in such low regard. They ask difficult questions, they challenge authority, they take an interest in the lower classes.

It ain't what the rest of us do and just for once I'd like to be able to enjoy Easter in peace by the pool stuffing my face with meat and grape without the media spoiling it for everyone and by everyone I mean me and my friend John.

Henry: My friend John came on the brand new The Paul Henry Show to give it his blessing, to give it a nudge, to give it mana, as they say in Maori, that language of the so-called tangata whenua, but let's be honest about this, it's a foreign language, not even as useful as French, it won't pass muster on the stock exchange floor in Tokyo or New York, it won't get you anywhere with girls, at the end of the day it's PC gone mad, no fun at all, and if there's one thing the brand new The Paul Henry Show stands for it's fun HAHAHAHAHA.

Hosking: I enjoy a laugh as much as the next man but you won't hear me laughing about the kiwi dollar. You'll hear me screaming. With sheer unadulterated joy verging on a hysteria which overwhelms any sign of intelligence.

It's the success story of the week. As a nation we don't value success as much as we should, and you don't have to look far to find the reason. The media.

The media are obsessed with news, when they'd be far better off celebrating Kiwi success stories and chasing down human interest items of no meaning or interest.

Memo to John Campbell: wake up, buddy.

Henry: Oh God, John Campbell, don't get me started, what a killjoy he is, with that long face and those moist eyes, and his news stories, at 7pm for goodness sake, 3am I could understand, Julie Christie just laughed and said yes but which day at 3am, Mark Weldon just laughed and said who are you talking about, and I said John Campbell, he just laughed and said he'd never heard of him and neither had anyone else, and I said you may as well get Jono and Ben to take over the 7pm slot, and everyone went HAHAHAHA but they weren't actually laughing.

Hosking: Two words to sum up all that's wrong with the world. The media. Now obviously Isis and left-wing intellectuals are also of major concern, but hear me out. The media get on my goat. That's a fact, and you can't argue with the facts.

And if there's one thing the media doesn't understand, it's broadcasting, and if there's one thing that broadcasting doesn't need, it's the news.

The news costs money. If you can't afford it, axe it.

Good night.

Henry: Oh God, Mike Hosking, I'd like to know what he's got that I haven't, apart from an audience, that will change, I am the way forward, I am the light that never goes out, I'm not going anywhere, I didn't mean it like that, I - I'm scared.