SPOILER ALERT: If you've not seen tonight's episode of The Bachelorette NZ and want to do so without knowing anything of the foibles of the blokes vying for the affections of Bachelorettes Lesina Nakhid-Schuster and Lily McManus, do not even think about reading on.
Hey, can we steal you for a second? Because, after an explosive first week, The Bachelorette NZ was back on our screens tonight. SINEAD CORCORAN recaps the action.
Good evening and welcome back to another riveting recap of What The F Has Glenn With Two Enns Done Now? Don't worry, we'll get to that later, but as I write this in chronological order of what happened, let me just get through the boring bits first.
We started the ep with Lily and Quinn on a sexy dirt bike date where they hooned around a track dressed as power rangers, before retiring to an old milking shed for the Sexy portion of the one-on-one time. (No, not two-for-one Glenn.)
Quinn rendered Lily (and the rest of us at home) absolutely smitten by dropping Nicholas Sparks-worthy lines such as "has anyone ever told you you have a beautiful smile?" before pulling her into a sexy shed pash which I promise was much hotter than it sounds.
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In case you're wondering if he got a rose, I'll just leave you with this absolute treat of a soundbite from Lily.
"Quinn is a man of many talents and his tongue is definitely one of them."
While we all jumped through a cold shower, back at the mansion the rest of the #lads were roped into an Amazing Race-esque challenge.
They were each given $200, a stunningly brazen placed product #suzukivitara and two hours to plan the perfect date for one of the gals - but judging by the absolute tat they came with, it appears they probably just hit up Look Sharp and pocketed the change.(#Commendable.)
Poor frazzled Kurt, though, got stuck in classic Auckland traffic and didn't make it back in time so he was eliminated.
The boys then had to present their loot to the women by way of a car boot sale - sort of like if Pimp My Ride was combined with the Avondale Flea Markets.
Despite having the most pitiful haul (a wheel of brie and a tub of hummus) George won the challenge by also including a mystery suitcase - a la Meghan Markle before she hit the jackpot and was just a sexy suitcase opener on Deal or No Deal.
Lily picked him for a date 'cause, understandably, she needed to know what was in the case. It turned out to be a swingball-style game, which I personally found anticlimactic - if I was her I'd be hoping for just straight-up cash. Regardless, he got a rose.
Conor also won the challenge (we have two winners of stuff now remember, cause two Bachelorettes) so he got to take Lesina on a beer pong date.
Although he lacked nonchalance (he positively SHRIEKED pong rules at her) he made up for it with an absolute GLOW UP! (That's an extreme makeover, oldies.)
Since last episode, Conor has evidently been Queer Eyed, Marie Kondo'd all his kooky bowties and invested in some sexy white linen Mr Darcy shirts - and he's truly never looked better. Conor, if you're reading this, bravo.
Unfortunately, though, Lesina apparently doesn't have the insatiable penchant for Colin Firth that I do, and white-shirt swathed Conor did not receive a rose.
Fast-forward to the cocktail party and Jonathan, Kurt and Aaron decided that tonight, Michael, they are SOL3 MIO!
They serenaded the Bachies with an Ed Sheeran-esque ditty and I truly have no snarky jokes to make about it. I loved it to bits and it was a close second to my favourite thing to ever happen on this show (obviously the near-nude car wash).
Other notable things I should tell you are that we found out Logan used to be married and that he's also into love languages (both jarring facts). Jesse got a rose but the rose ceremony actually got cancelled 'cause the boys are going on a fun trip next episode instead - so no one got sent home - but also let's cut the crap.
We all know why you're here, to find out what CRAZAY thing Glenn With Two Enns did this time.
WELL, you're in for an absolute treat. He only went and LITERALLY DRAGGED Lesina away from the cocktail party mid-conversation, while he hissed "just for a moment, just for a moment". It was honestly chilling.
Visibly peeved, Lesina agreed to step outside with him, but made it quite clear that she was not stoked.
"Um, I only get a couple of minutes with the group?" she says, while he claws her hands into his.
"Look I just wanna have a chat with you 'cause I want to get to know both of you," he hissed.
By this point Lesina looked like she was truly on the verge of smacking him in the face (we'd never condone violence) but instead just smacks him down with an absolute zinger (tasteful and chic).
"I mean Glenn this is all super-interesting, all the hand stuff and affection, but it's also a bit odd, right? That you're jumping from one person to the other?" she says while yanking her beautiful hands out of his claws.
It's at this point I truly screamed in disbelief when Grabby Glenn said a line so equally crazed and iconic it almost made me forget the time he tried to nab a threesome on national television.
"I just want to talk to both of you so that I can select which one of you is best for me."
SO THAT HE.
CAN SELECT WHICH ONE OF THEM.
IS BEST FOR HIM.
AS IF HE IS THE PRIZE HERE.
Take me out of the oven folks, cause I am done. Call up the Casketeers cause I have died. Goodnight.
Tune in to The Bachelorette NZ again on Sunday night at 7.00pm, and in the meantime subscribe to the official Bachelorette podcast, Can I Steal You For A Second – hosted by yours truly and my wing-woman Anna Henvest. Plus, follow along with us on Instagram for all our behind the scenes vids.