Tears of joy as The Block losers finally win

Block contestants Sarah and Minanne.

Week eight, day 59 on The Block NZ: Villa Wars last night was the calm before the leak. The preview of tonight's episode showed that some rain had got in through Sarah and Minanne's roof. You just knew that if anyone on the show was going to suffer a leaky home, it would be the luckless, hapless sisters.

Poor little devils! They haven't caught a break the entire series, bumbling and bitching and fumbling and failing every which way. They've probably set race relations back 100 years. Asian house renovators will become as mocked as Asian drivers. So tiny that they're forced to stand on a soapbox next to the other contestants, the sisters will also revive our ancient dislike of dwarves. "Short people," as songwriter Randy Newman observed, "ain't got no reason to live."

Sarah and Minanne's backyard.

But last night the sisters were rewarded with small mercies when the others voted their backyard as the best-designed. It was a sweet moment. They wept with happiness. The only other time they won anything was when Minanne walked a plank - no, not wooden Shelley the occasional co-host - over a hot pool in one of the show's more witless challenges. Last night, they were recognised by their peers for the excellence of their yard, which they designed with flair and charm on a budget of approximately
$6.70.

The vote was a slap in the face for the judges. On Sunday night, Jason the flouncing interior decorator and Bernadette the real estate harridan gave Sarah and Minanne a pathetic score of 12 out of 20. What creeps these two judges are. Do their own peers recognise their excellence, or run a mile at the sight of them?

Sarah and Minanne's tears of joy were last night's highlight. Not much else happened. It was the opening day of the double room-reveal. "At the end of the week, you not only have to present your kitchen and dining room," said Mark the host, "but also your hallway and entrance way." It's at such moments that many of us watching in our homes say to ourselves: why are we watching this goddamned junk?

Because it's about real estate. Because we like watching people play meaningless games. Because much more than a room reveal is at stake; what The Block NZ really gives us is Kiwi-reveal. No other show - no other artform, including journalism - shines such a stark, blazing light on the true nature of New Zealanders. The show is a kind of social experiment, measuring the way we strive to get ahead, the way we cling to home, the way we try our best to talk and work and dress and joke like each other. It's a monument to our defining national characteristic: the need to conform.

Conformity gets bad press, but you shouldn't believe everything you read. It has virtues. It prevents rash and foolish acts. Hayden, alas, is a determined non-conformist. Last night he announced two big ideas for his kitchen - black cabinets, and a graffiti splashback. "NWA style," he said. "Straight outta Compton." Ridiculous, yo. Hayden's about as gangsta as a plank - yes, wooden Shelley the occasional co-host.

His rash and foolish kitchen acts will surely end in tears. Perhaps Sarah and Minanne, though, will be rewarded with another opportunity to cry for joy. Their kitchen design looked attractive, clever, practical. It had a fridge in it. Hayden will probably stock his with black milk.

Go, Sarah and Minanne! Yay the midgets! But what fresh chaos might be set off by tonight's leak? Are you on the edge of your seat yet?

"It's as exciting as watching paint dry," grouched some bore during a Block conversation on social media the other day.

Tonight, much more. Tonight, the chance to watch water dry.

- nzherald.co.nz