Ever spent an hour getting your hair right, pairing your fragrance to the occasion and feeling dressed to kill, only for your partner to reach for the keys in a stained T-shirt and lawn mowing shoes?
If you’re nodding along, visions of league shorts and jandals etched in your brain, you might have a swag gap in your relationship.
They are easy to spot - those relationships where couples are visually worlds apart. One might be serving looks in a tailored suit or a slick cut denim, the other has made borderline offensive slogan tees their entire personality.
But it’s also about the vibe those in the relationship give off.
Maybe one lights up a room and has the unexplainable quality of cool, the other appears to want to be anywhere else and seems largely unbothered by their partner’s effort.
In Hollywood, Justin and Hailey Bieber have become the example of the TikTok-coined trend of “swag gaps”. She looks polished and puts in maximum effort, and he shows up like this...
While there’s nothing wrong with his outfit (in principle), it’s about the time and place. The Rhode founder was launching new beauty products for her brand, a big moment for the beauty mogul who picked a head-turning red strapless Ermanno Scervino mini dress, red stiletto heels and a matching bag for the occasion.
He wore Crocs, a grey sweatshirt, sweat shorts and a pink cap atop his cinched-in hood.
Justin was criticised on social media, with commentators suggesting his appearance and general attitude implied he simply didn’t care and prompted a discussion on the semiotics of dressing in tune with your partner.
“I would have left him in the car,” one X user wrote.
Another added, “It’s like they’re attending events on two separate planets”.
Menswear writer @dieworkwear added, “If your partner dresses up to go to Krispy Kreme, you should dress up too”.
While this difference, much like age gaps, is often pointed out by those on the outside of the relationship, does it really matter to the success of a partnership?
Hailey Bieber weighed in on the conversation, telling GQ, “[Justin] may want to wear baggy sweats to dinner, and I might want to wear a tiny little dress just because that’s how I’m feeling. We can’t sit there and be like, ‘So I’m going to wear this, and you’re going to wear this.‘”
Dressing in tune didn’t work out for Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake with their matching Canadian tuxedos at the 2001 AMAs. The couple later split in March 2002, giving the denim look more than one offence to answer for.
Yet Adam Sandler and his wife Jackie seem perfectly happy, clocking 22 years of marriage despite him dressing like, well, Adam Sandler.
So should differences in swag and style be celebrated in relationships, or is it less a case of a difference in taste, but a difference in effort?
“The central work of maintaining a long-term relationship is dealing with difference, a.k.a. doing conflict safely and productively. This is just one area where a couple can differ,” says clinical psychologist and family therapist, Nic Beets.
Making an effort for one’s partner is often seen as a crucial element of a lasting relationship, be it in small gestures, showing up and making them feel special.
So, could dressing down be detrimental by giving your partner the impression that you don’t care about or respect the relationship?
Beets says the clothes aren’t the issue; instead, it’s about deciding on what the relationship principles are.
“The problem is not about clothes, it’s about building a shared understanding of what the culture of our relationship is going to be.
“Many people avoid dealing with this and end up resenting their partner.”
Ultimately, if your partner just isn’t fashion-conscious, but they are making their best effort in other elements of the relationship, there’s nothing to be worried about.
The main thing is that you are proud to stand next to them because of who they are, shared values, how they make you feel and the respect you feel within the relationship.
Jenni Mortimer is the New Zealand Herald‘s chief lifestyle and entertainment reporter. Jenni started at the Herald in 2017 and has previously worked as lifestyle, entertainment and travel editor.