The clones of The Bachelorette struggled to get their heads around a complex situation in last night's episode. Just as they all assumed that the premise of the show was their avid pursuit of a hottie called Lesina, they were left open-mouthed at the revelation that they could also avidly pursue a hottie called Lily.
Not one woman. Two women. Not one hottie. Two hotties. Not one bachelorette – are you following? Two bachelorettes.
Yes, very complex indeed, a puzzling and radical mathematical sum that would have tested the intellectual limits of an Einstein.
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"Oh," emitted one of the clones.
"My," murmured one of the other clones.
"God," gabbled a third clone, gobsmacked.
They stood and swayed like reeds in a breeze as Lesina introduced Lily, and explained that she would be joining the show, and was ready and available for their pursuit.
Not one woman. Two women....What to think? What to say? Words, as ever, failed the clones.
"Before, I was all set," mused Clone Liam. "But now – I mean – you know – Lesina, and now Lily – like – I mean...." He got to the nub of the problem, put his finger on it, naming that vague and miniature substance which is about as useless to a clone as the appendix: "The mind!"
Certainly the introduction of Lily came as a great shock to all. But they cheered up, and soon began wondering which hottie was hotter. Some stayed loyal to Lesina, 32, a dark-haired doctor. Others switched to Lily, 22, a fair-haired veteran of outstanding television drama. You may remember her from such roles in Celebrity Treasure Island and The Bachelor.
You probably don't. But anyway she seems like a good sort, up for a laugh, very attractive. Clone Glenn announced he was into her. He asked Lesina if she was into her, too, and entertained fantasies of a threesomette.
She basically told him to gette stuffed.
He was only trying to liven things up, and who can blame him? Life on The Bachelorette seems like a total drag. They're forced to sit around with each other night after dreary night having to perform the onerous task of small-talk. Most of the time they're stuck at their boring mansion in the boring countryside but last night they were allowed out, and went to a boring pub. "Cheers," they droned.
Lesina and Lily were allowed out, too, and had a cup of coffee in a deserted café. The show's host Art Green joined them – and only made the café feel even emptier. Some people bring the weather with them; Art brings an absence of being. He's not a waste of space. Common or garden losers like me are wastes of space. Art is special. He's minus space.
How does he do it? Once again, The Bachelorette presented itself as a physics problem that only an Einstein could solve. Give that man a rose.