Yeah man, they're like, you know, deep. Bollocks, there is literally nothing going on here so put the bong down, go outside, and mow the bloody lawn. Then when you're done reflect for a moment on the reality that the next 60s will soon be closer to today than the last set. So wake up, and while you're at it, trash those bloody Doors albums as well and then give yourself a clip.
- Alan Perrott
Maroon 5
To be fair, my dislike of this band really only centres around one person. But seeing as he's the only band member I can name, I hold Adam Levine's crimes against the wider group. Just what are those crimes you ask? The charges begin with his voice: his tone, pitch and cadence make my skin crawl. Like nails on a chalkboard. Then there's his behaviour in general.
Adam Levine (centre) with his Maroon 5 band-mates.
He is the definition of a douche. Don't believe me? Just look at this GQ profile, where he went out of his way to convince people he's not a douche. Ultimate douchenozzle.
- Joanna Hunkin
Kanye West
Rap star Kanye West. Photo / AP
I heard Gold digger for the first time in years the other day and was shocked to remember how good it was. It's easy to forget that, at one time, Kanye was the real deal. Now he's famous for being famous. If he went back to working as hard on his tunes as he does on grabbing headlines then he could probably have become the celebrated serious artist he thinks he is.
But somewhere along the line he mistook ubiquity for greatness. Now you see him everywhere. But you know what else is everywhere? McDonalds. And ain't no one thinking their burgers are the greatest burgers ever made in the history of the world. Ya know what I'm sayin?
- Karl Puschmann
Arcade Fire
Indie-rock band, Arcade Fire.
With their ponchos and pinstriped pants, they look like homeless Brooklyn buskers. Their concerts resemble carnivals gone horribly wrong. They were, we were told, the future of indie-rock awesomeness. Yes, festival-friendly family band Arcade Fire certainly have their fair share of fans. As an open-minded music lover, I have, at several points, tried to become one of them. But after four albums, I'm still at a loss. Their retro artsy suburban anthems leave me cold. Give me a hammer - I want to cave in their giant puppet faces before they get the chance to make another music video.
This is exactly what happens when the global corporate entertainment complex takes something that had a bit of edge, a bit of danger, a bit of WTF and then proceeds to suck every atom of Satan out of it so that it becomes appealing to My Little Pony-clutching 6-year-olds. In a few years we'll be hearing his collected works in elevators and shopping malls along with the equally schlock by-numbers of the Foo Fighters. And we'll deserve it.
- Alan Perrott
The Script
Irish band, The Script.
There's something about The Script that makes me want to tear my ears off. Their singles all sound the same and have an irritating habit of getting stuck in my head. Every time one of the Irish band's tunes comes on the car radio, I furiously bash the station buttons to escape their annoyingly generic pop-rock. Can they just stop, please?
- Rachel Bache
Bob Marley
Legendary reggae musician Bob Marley.
Yes, I know it's blasphemous to blast the patron saint of New Zealand but it's high time we as a country put down the Legend CD or deleted the playlist and moved on. If I could get through just one summer without the hearing the plodding bleat that is No Woman, No Bloody Cry I'd be so, so happy.
But if leaving the Cult of Bob is just too offensive a thought to you, then please, for the love of everyone you annoy when you crank up Could You Be Loved for the millionth time, please start investigating his deep cuts and early albums. There's so much more to the reggae star than I Shot the Sheriff.
- Karl Puschmann
The National
Singer Matt Berninger of The National. Photo / Getty Images
All you need to know about the state of contemporary music is to realise that these guys are considered 'alternative.' To what they don't say, but I'm guessing it's banging your head with a rock. Because they're frauds, fakesters and they're lame with it. How many gigs would they have played? Zillions, and the front bloke still maintains his "oh I'm so shy," finger in his cheek, cutesy nonsense? As a great twitter feed says "Get in the ******* sea."
These aren't so much blokes who you would happy taking home to meet your mum, they are your mum.
- Alan Perrott
U2
U2 frontman Bono. Photo / Wayne Drought
Bono's bloody over-the-top wailing, the Edge's twinkly, delayed guitar, the pedestrian backing of the other two... yeah, I don't get the appeal of U2 at all. I can't stand how they sound but most of all I can't tolerate that confused mix of faux-earnestness blended with self-satisfied smugness that permeates all their songs. It's just ear-gougingly awful to me.
To be frank I struggle to articulate my loathing for Dire Straits, possibly the whitest band of all time who should still be locked up for the crime against humanity that was Twisting by the Pool. So let's just cut their dispicability down to two words: Head bloody bands. And yes, some of my contempt is down to the boat-shoed, tan slacks with tucked in blue shirt, non-entities - and there were thousands of thousands of you - who tripped over each other to hoover up everything and anything these guys put out. Maybe it all the Prozac people were necking back then? Who knows and who cares, our national adoration for these musical stains is an embarrassment.
- Alan Perrott
• Disagree? Tell us who makes your musical blood boil.
