Waiter, there's a face in my soup
The horror of the bathroom scales
If you've ever stepped on the bathroom scales, then managed to glimpse their evil numbers, her's what to do next:
Step one: Pick up the scales and wrap them in a towel. The horrendous numbers you saw on the scale must be hidden. So, like when the kids threw Jumanji in the river, wrap the numbers so you can no longer see them, and more importantly, they cannot see you.
Step two: Begin a month-long hike into the darkest forest you can find. Find an area of deep forest. Germany is good. Take the most complicated path you can find. Go in circles, through rivers, underground. If possible, abseil. All these movements will disorientate the scales so they cannot find their way home.
Step three: Dig a hole so deep you can see the mantle of the earth. Use everything and anything at your disposal to dig, dig, dig. When you see molten rock, drop the scales. Watch them melt.
Step four: Burn everything you own. Burn your clothes, your possessions, your car, and anything else that might have been tainted by the scales' lies. Scrub yourself until your skin is raw, then douse yourself in disinfectant. Lie down in your empty home, free of the burden at last. Then hear an ominous beep from the bathroom and realise the scales are in there. (Via The Daily Mash)
"Am I being unreasonable to take my dog for a walk when she's in heat?" asks a reader. "Obviously on the lead, well-controlled. Obviously trying to avoid busy dog places where possible. But a walk a couple of times a day. I've had several owners of male dogs give me a mouthful this week, when they've had to forcibly remove their intact off-lead dog from following me. Even went so far tonight that the dog that was following us had no owner anywhere visible, so I had to phone them from the number on the collar. When they arrived to get the dog they decided to tell me off! Flabbergasted! Surely if you have a male dog you should be keeping it on the lead or under supervision. Why should my dog get no exercise? I'm keeping my dog under control. Why should I have to lock her away while male dogs roam free?"
"When I begin to think at all, I get into such states of disgust and fury at the way the mob is going on that I choke; and have to go to the British Museum and look at penguins 'til I get cool. I find penguins at present the only comfort in life. One feels everything in the world so sympathetically ridiculous, one can't be angry when one looks at a penguin." (Victorian era art critic John Ruskin | Letter to C. E. Norton, November 4, 1860 )