“At the end of that five years, I had a breakdown. And I actually just couldn’t work,” he told the podcast host.
“People talk about it a lot more now, this was back in 2017. Through Covid and stuff I’ve noticed it’s a lot more common for people to talk about burnout and problems at work and that sort of thing. But in 2017 it wasn’t that common, especially for a 40-year-old Kiwi male, which I was at the time,” he explained.
“And I had a breakdown where I was scared to go into work, I didn’t like driving down the motorway to Parliament from my house and it’s very hard to explain, but you know, it just felt like the wires in my brain had disconnected or something. And I felt very - it was very scary, to be honest. And you know, I tried calling my best friend and my dad and telling them that I didn’t want to do the job anymore, and they didn’t really understand.”
Gower admitted it was something that was hard for his friends and family to understand at the time.
“Someone saying I wanna quit my job when they’re at the top of their game just doesn’t make any sense and didn’t make any sense to them - and fair enough. People can’t see what’s happening inside your brain.”
His family urged him to take a break over the summer, but Gower admitted that wasn’t going to cut it - he “wanted out”.
Gower revealed he came to that realisation when he was at Apec with then-Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, who was at the time new to the role.
“It should be a career highlight, really, being able to report on her and I just did not want to be there,” he admitted.
“I was in a hotel there and just staying up all night and taking sleeping pills to sleep and to get through the day ... I can remember the thought process was something like, ‘I don’t really want to do another three-year term. I don’t want to be here in three years’ time. I don’t really want to do one more year next year, I don’t really want to get to the end of the year ‘cause it’s about November, I don’t really want to get to December 10′ ... and you know, I was like, ‘I don’t want to do this, like, at all’.”
But making that decision to leave led to “a huge sense of relief”, he said.
“And over time I did get better. It took a long time and I got back to work and stuff. But even the first one or two years, I could act strangely at times and could get very grumpy at work, had a big ego and wasn’t always a nice person. I could snap, never felt fully happy.”
Gower added that he eventually “got better” - and also opened up about his alcoholism elsewhere in the interview, revealing that he drank to give his confidence a boost.
It wasn’t until his mid-40s that he decided to give up alcohol and filmed his documentary Patrick Gower: On Booze. He’s now been sober for nearly two years, he revealed.
“There’s a lot of things you need to do to give up drinking the way that I have, but for me personally, unlocking that psychological thing that my alcoholism is a crutch that I picked up when I was about 16 years old ... and this is a crutch that has now stayed with me for 30 years,” he shared.
His message to other Kiwis thinking about going sober is “if you think you can’t do it, then look at me.
“Because if I can do it, anybody can. I don’t want to be some sort of evangelist or anything like that, but it is better - your life will be better if you want to give up and you need to find a way to do it.
“There’s no gigantic kind of secret other than I guarantee you your life will be better and you’ll never regret it.”
Where to get help
If it’s an emergency and you feel that you or someone else is at risk, call 111.
Alcohol Drug Helpline:
- General helpline: phone 0800 787 797, text 868
- Māori Helpline – kaupapa Māori support services: phone 0800 787 798, text 8681
- Pasifika Helpline – Pacific support services: phone 0800 787 799, text 8681
- Youth Helpline – support for working through issues affecting young people: phone 0800 787 984, text 8681
- Need to talk? Free call or text 1737 any time for support from a trained counsellor
