SPOILER ALERT: If you've not seen tonight's episode of The Bachelorette NZ and want to do so without knowing anything of the foibles of the blokes vying for the affections of Bachelorettes Lesina Nakhid-Schuster and Lily McManus, do not even think about reading on.
Hey, can we steal you for a second? Because The Bachelorette NZ was back on our screens tonight. SINEAD CORCORAN recaps the action.
Good evening and welcome to the fourteenth recap of what happened on The Bachelorette, not that I'm counting or anything.
Tonight's episode kicked off with a demure Elliot refusing to spill the metaphorical tea about what went down on his date with Lesina.
When questioned by the lads on how the date went, sweaty Elliot screamed "NOT TELLING!!" which is truly so boring, because imagine how utterly riddled with cabin-fever the rest of the boys are, holed up in their Argentian jail cells while having to live vicariously through their opponents.
The next day the prisoners were shuttled off to a literal tea-making class. But not just any tea - oh no siree, they had to make Love Tea.
Lily - a woman consistently after my own heart, declared she absolutely hates tea (couldn't agree more, it tastes like dirty hot water) - but the prisoners / aspiring T2 employees did not let this derail them.
They proceeded to brew up the kookiest, aphrodisiac-y flavours they could think of - and this is when things got absolutely batshit mental.
While she usually just exists as a snarky narrator - for some bizarre reason during this scene Jodi Rimmer the voiceover lady transformed into Harry Potter's Professor Trelawney, and declared she could read people's fortunes in their tea leaves.
As Lesina and Lily tasted the teas, Professor Trelawney played That So Raven-esque clips of what fortune lay ahead for each prisoner (A peek behind the curtain here guys, I'm fairly certain this footage had been filmed weeks later and then edited in post - I know right, smoke and mirrors baby - the magic of showbiz never ceases to amaze.)
While I recover from this insane fever dream, for the sake of time let's move on.
The gals then whisked The Mike's off on respective single dates (Lesina took Chelsea Winter's ex-hubby Mike, while Lily took Michael - the other one who consistently appears stoned out of his tree).
I truly can't remember anything noteworthy Michael said beyond expressing how difficult it is to meet women back in his teeny tiny hometown because everyone's already done bits with everyone - but by crikey were things getting tense on Lesina and Mike #1's date across town.
Forget helicopter rides and romantic picnics - as per, Lesina's fun single date activity was a police interrogation - and she spent the entirety of the date holding a metaphorical lamp in Mike #1's eyeballs.
"WOULD YOU SAY YOU ARE CONFRONTATIONAL?!"
"ARE YOU A JEALOUS PERSON!!!?!?!??!"
"WHERE WERE YOU THE NIGHT COLONEL MUSTARD WAS BLUDGERED IN THE BILLIARD ROOM WITH THE CANDLESTICK!?!"
Mike #1 understandably seemed shaken that at this rate it's looking like he'll be on trial in the next season of Serial.
"I mean, getting to know each other's personalities would probably have been a bit more enjoyable for me," he quivered.
I know mate, let's get you a milo and a foil blanket.
Later that evening at the cocktail party it appears lil Jesse had just learned the word animosity, as he proceeded to interject it into conversation 37 times throughout the night.
According to Jesse there's animosity between all the lads, animosity between the OG and newcomers, animosity between smokey Steve and Narky Aaron, animosity as far as the eye can see.
Meanwhile Lesina whisked Logan off for a little one-on-one time where she gifted him a lovely Warehouse Stationery notebook and a sneaky pash - which thank god, was not as Sahara-esque as their one.
"It's a bit more moist this time, thank god" she said.
Thank god indeed! Faith has been restored, can I get a hallelujah.
The episode concludes with the Revenge Of The Hernia - and Tavita asks Lesina if it's worth him staying on and risking rupturing his guts on national television.
While I personally thought this was a very sensible and valid question to ask, something about the way Lesina snapped "WAIT IS THIS AN ULTIMATUM" makes me think next episode his guts will be rupturing from the stress either way.
Tune in to The Bachelorette NZ again on Sunday night at 7.00pm, and in the meantime subscribe to the official Bachelorette podcast, Can I Steal You For A Second – hosted by yours truly and my wing-woman Anna Henvest. Plus, follow along with us on Instagram for all our behind the scenes vids.