The confession box: Guy Williams

You really didn't know what the seven deadly sins were?

I got them confused with the 10 Commandments, so my original choices were "taking the Lord's name in vain", "coveting thy neighbour's wife" and "murder". Now that I've googled what the actual sins are, I'm stressed out that I'll reveal too many intimate personal details. My biggest fear is that people will find out what my pillows look like without the pillowcases on them. They're bright yellow! It's disgusting! Feels good to get that off my chest.

GLUTTONY
You have a weakness for sugar?
Sugar is my version of heroin. Since I was a kid I have devoured Coco Pops, Cocoa Puffs and Bugs 'n' Mud, RIP. Bugs 'n' Mud was a terrible cereal that Hubbards made, it was an "only in New Zealand" kind of thing. The mud was the cocoa puffs bit and the bugs were little puffed wheat maggots - I wish I was making this up - and they had painted orange stripes on them. That's what I ate for breakfast. It was horrific, I loved it. When you are addicted to sugar you will eat something that looks like maggots in mud. I am chewing gum as we speak, so I don't eat anything sugary after lunch.

You are a sneaker collector - how serious?
It's an increasingly common addiction for men my age, believe it or not. I think we're all desperate to buy the thing we couldn't get when we were kids. I'm scared to psychoanalyse myself too much in case I find out I'm some sort of undiagnosed psychopath. I'm lucky I only have about 30 pairs, which sounds like a lot but I have friends who have hundreds. This year I'm going to a sneaker conference in Washington DC and every day I visit a website called sneakernews.com. You cannot get a less cool addiction.

Are you finicky about keeping them pristine?
It's awkward you said that because I literally am wearing some brand-new sneakers today and they are white, like an artificial suede, so they mark so easily. One has a smudge on it from the accelerator in the car and it's devastating to me, it's been preoccupying my mind.

WRATH
Tell me about your revenge plan for the man who sold you a dud car?
It was a Golf GTI, so a Golf but sporty. I liked the idea that it had some pep. I took it for a test drive with the owner who was a pilot who lived in Australia but had a car in Auckland.
The problem with it was (and this is why he palmed it off on me and then I had to ditch it) that it was massively smoke-damaged from Japan. So when I test drove it with him, he left all the windows open, we drove it around the block, it seemed fine. It wasn't until three days later and the windows and doors had been closed, that it became apparent. It was so bad it made my eyes water. I couldn't drive it, it gave me headaches. I had to sell it two days later for $4000 less. I know his name and I have his photo and for three years I have plotted revenge. Maybe if my new TV show is a hit I can make another TV show where I hunt him down.

ENVY
Do you try to limit the amount of time you spend on social media?
Social media is destroying me. I spend too much time looking at other people's lives instead of worrying about my own. Instagram has taught me that some people's gym clothes are better than my main clothes. Everyone on there is so beautiful and rich, it's making me sick. I get so jealous and now it feels like everything I do is to make other people on Instagram jealous. Did I go to Fiji for me or for my Instagram followers?

Where do you think the problem stems from?
For a long time, women's media was dominated by magazines like Cosmo and Woman's Day and women used to talk about the way those magazines are designed to make you feel s****y. You flick through the pages and it's the most beautiful people you've ever seen. It's like "J Lo: how does she do it at 50?" Well, she does it by being incredibly genetically gifted and working on her physique and beauty 12 hours a day. And then the next few pages there are recipes for cakes, which is like mixed messaging and then they'll have articles about loving yourself no matter what, which kind of builds you back up. It's a roller coaster. Instagram is the first example of me getting involved in that roller coaster and feeling s*** and now I can identify with what women were complaining about.
- Eleanor Black

* New Zealand Today airs on Three on Fridays at 9.45pm.