Marital bliss is ...

1.

Wife:

Is that what you're wearing?

Me:

Advertisement

I guess not.

2.

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

3.

Married sex is like travelling. It takes planning, the conditions need to be right, and everyone has to pee before getting started.

4.

Wife:

Do you want to come home at lunchtime today for a quickie?

Advertisement

Me:

It's pronounced "quiche".

5.

Before marriage, I would sit at stop lights for hours because I had no one to tell me the light had changed to green.

6.

How much do I love my wife? Two full seasons of

Riverdale

. That's how much.

(

Via Twitter

)

Most embarrassed moment of your childhood ... Go!

"I was 11 years old and home alone for a few hours. We had a bowl of grapefruit on the bench for my mother's most recent fad diet. I was picking them up, trying to juggle, just messing around, bored. I suddenly had an idea. I got one of my mother's bras, put it on over my skinny chest, and — you guessed it — plopped a pair of grapefruit into the cups.

"Put my top back on and, oh wow, I look FABULOUS! Pretty soon I'm convinced I look completely natural and super-teenaged. I go out on the porch to watch my reflection strut back and forth in the front window. God, I am killing this boob thing.

"My bike is right there, parked by the mailbox. I'm riding my Huffy banana-seat bike around the block, enjoying the wind in my boobs, when my parents come along in our car. They wave, I wave. They pull over. A grapefruit drops to the pavement and rolls under the car. I die of shame, but somehow remain fixed in place for all eternity.

My mother puts her face into her open purse and begins to shake while making muffled snorting noises. My dad coolly leans across to the passenger window and, eyes a-twinkle, says, 'Going for a little ride, are you? Nice day for it. We'll see you back home, then.' They drive off. I die a few more times, then slowly navigate towards home with my one remaining grapefruit sagging listlessly in defeat." (Via Reddit)

Everyone loves bacon...

When bacon is life. Photo / Supplied
When bacon is life. Photo / Supplied

Video Pick

Selling real estate in Australia has jumped the shark


Got a Sideswipe? Send your pictures, links and anecdotes to Ana at ana.samways@nzherald.co.nz