She's more hyped up right now than a five-year-old let loose on Jelly Tips.

A heavily anticipated, star-encrusted new single, a never before seen New Zealand tour, and rumours of $500 tickets ... the Matriarch is back.

I grew up on Madonna. She was my conical breasted inspirational figure; she was defiant, intelligent and made music videos into art. She was the bomb.

You know what it's like when you idolise a celebrity? Not only do you alone know and understand them, you feel personally offended when they let you down.


That's what happened when I watched, Bitch, I'm Madonna.

The song itself is bad enough; it's got the subtlety of Miley Cyrus, the vocals of late Britney and the artistic expression of Pitbull. It takes you back to sticky teenage clubbing nights faster than you can say "oonce oonce".

But it's not just that. What makes me sad is that it's just so forgettable. The music video is the generic I'm-at-a-party-watch-me-be-like-totally-crazy-look-titties-wahey!

I'm not mad. I'm just disappointed.

She's suddenly started spouting the gyrating, arse obsessed, YOLO-themed modern pop. There's no edge. It's predictable. You could swap her out for any of the ready-made pop things in the music industry. But this is Madonna. She can't be so ... boring.

A scene from Madonna's latest music video.
A scene from Madonna's latest music video.

So what happened? It's getting serious if she's emulating Pitbull; it's like taking inspiration from the Shopping Channel.

She's not just 'lost it' in her old age. (She proved that with the blistering 2005 Confessions on a Dance Floor.) No, I think it's because she's become obsessed with proving she's still sexy - hence the arse-baring outfit at the Grammys, the topless photo shoots and the public, high profile make outs.

She said in an interview for Rolling Stone this year: "I have to be the person who opens the door for women to ...embrace the idea that they can be sexual and look good and be as relevant in their fifties or their sixties or whatever as they were in their twenties."


Great, cool, it's the right message. And she was getting it across fine. Then she started trying to be Miley Cyrus, waving her sexiness in everyone's face and it all fell apart.

Madonna and Miley Cyrus, 2014. Photo / Getty Images
Madonna and Miley Cyrus, 2014. Photo / Getty Images

See, Madonna pioneered intelligent sex appeal. She sold sex, sure, but it came wrapped up with incredible dancing, infectious confidence or artistic vision. She was the master of the unexpected; Material Girl gave a satirical nod to capitalism, Express Yourself made Star Trek look prehistoric, and Like a Prayer became so infamous for its racial and religious notes that it was banned on Italian TV.

It was this edge which differentiated her, and showcased her intelligence, bravery and creativity. All the things that make someone babin'.

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Madonna's sexuality was the smarter, subtler, sophisticated version of sexy. Yes, there was boobage. But for me, her most sexy moments were like when she shows exactly how good at dancing she is, like in Papa Don't Preach.

Or her confidence, like when she walks along the street in jeans and a jacket for Hung Up.

Or her cleverness, when she used all that biblical imagery and allusions in Like a Prayer.

She used to show us that sexy can be your body, but also your talent, confidence, intelligence, bravery or just weirdness. Now she's telling us it's just your body. And pashing anything in front of you.

She used to show the intelligent, adult version of hot. You know, the realisation as you get older that sexy is everything from being kind to revering the car out of the drive with one hand. It's not just the, "Hey! Look! Boobs!" message from pop starlets who think sexiness is just physical.

A scene from Madonna's latest music video.
A scene from Madonna's latest music video.

Yeah, of course we all like perky bottoms. But humans are attracted to way more than just that. Confidence, talent, humour, creativity - this is the stuff of potent, consuming allure. After all, it lasts.

I thought Madonna got that. But apparently she's forgotten. This is sad because you don't get many celebrities brave enough to admit humans have deeper and richer tastes than we're made out to.

It's also sad because showing sophisticated sexiness also shows how timeless sexuality is. We find traits like confidence or talent sexy, and anyone of any age can have this. In fact, they get stronger as you get older. So by ignoring this she's actually weakening her own message.

So come back Madonna. You were doing it! You had it! Right up until the moment you tried to prove that you did.