New Netflix movie 6 Underground really is as terrible as you'd expect it to be, exactly the kind of brainless, bombastic and seizure-inducing fare Michael Bay is known for.
There is a warning at the beginning about strobe effects that could trigger viewers with photosensitivity, but the bigger threat comes from 6 Underground's incoherent storyline and wildly inconsistent tone.
Not even Ryan Reynolds' charm can save it – maybe if he had wisecracked more.
6 Underground is a parody of itself. You'll be pulled in so many different directions, it's like experiencing whiplash on acid. And yet, inconceivably, you'll be so exhausted you'll end up bored. Yes, such contradictory things can happen.
Take a beat from John Wick – don't overcomplicate things, focus on the action, resist the urge to blow up everything and you'll be dandy.
Yes, this shot was in slow-motion. Of course it was. Photo / Supplied
The title refers to the vigilante group at the core of film, led by a billionaire inventor we only know as One (Reynolds).
After witnessing an atrocity first-hand, One faked his own death and recruited a bunch of resourceful do-gooders to do the same, including parkour expert Four (Ben Hardy), doctor Five (Adria Arjona), ex-CIA spy Two (Melanie Laurent), former hitman Three (Manuel Garcia-Rulfo) and military sniper Seven (Corey Hawkins).
The idea is that they're "ghosts", able to take down bad dudes without the boundaries of geopolitical diplomacy or economic agendas. See a villain? Point and shoot. Don't worry about due process.
Of course, if only it was that simple. There's a plot to trigger a coup d'état in the fictional country of Turgistan, where its caricature dictator unleashes sarin gas attacks on his own populace to instil fear.
But mixed in is a jumble of timelines, flashbacks and origin stories that confuses more than clarifies, as One must learn that while being disconnected means a certain kind of freedom, it's the bonds between humans that ultimately save us. Duh.
Count the explosions is not a safe drinking game. Photo / Supplied
When you go to see a Michael Bay movie, or in this case, press play on Netflix, there's a certain set of expectations. It's why Bay has his steadfast supporters, and just as many detractors.
You know which one you are – and 6 Underground isn't going to convince you to switch sides.
It's little more than a collection of ludicrously over-the-top set-pieces that defies all logic. You know how it goes.
Every car that hits a street cart must somehow fly through the air and flip four times before blowing up.
There must be at least one shot of slow-motion helicopter blades shown in shadow on the ground.
Someone has to cock a gun and the bullet will, again, in slow-mo, fly out in a shot that's definitely overexposed.
There's even the requisite flag waving but at least it's not an American one, given the non-state status of this vigilante group.
There will be lens flares, car chases with a lime-green chassis (because, you know, they're so clandestine), wind machines, women in tight dresses and hot men with a trickle of sweat around their brow (how else will we know how hard all this action hero stuff is?).
What does impress – because 6 Underground is not completely irredeemable – are two set-pieces, one involving a swimming pool on the penthouse floor of a Hong Kong high-rise and the other featuring a high-powered magnet and bodies hurtling through the air.
Those are cool, but go on for too long. And they risk getting lost in the disarray of the overall movie.
Of course, we should never expect Bay to show any kind of restraint – that would disappoint his fans and detractors alike.
