Matt Heath: My Nostradamus-style take on the All Blacks

All Black captain Sam Cane. Photo / Getty Images

OPINION:

I've always wanted to do All Black post-game analysis in the Herald. Unfortunately, my deadline is Friday lunchtime. This column is being written two days before Sunday's big All Blacks match. You are reading this in the future. You know the result. I do not. So, today, in an attempt to cover my bases, I will be writing two responses to Sunday's game, one for the loss and one for a win. Nostradamus-style rugby analysis isn't easy, so if you could help me out by choosing the one that fits, that would be great.

Before I get to my pre-game, post-game opinion pieces, I would like to throw down some qualifiers. New Zealanders have gotten used to All Black supremacy. It makes us feel good as a nation, but true passion for sport comes from uncertainty. It's fear that will get Kiwis up at 3 am on Sunday to watch this game. As a patriotic Kiwi, I desperately want the All Blacks to win. Whatever you think of the administration, we are incredibly lucky to have athletes and all-round great humans like Aaron Smith, Will Jordan, Angus Ta'avao, Beauden, Jordie and Scott Barrett. This team always give their all for our country. Who am I to doubt them, sitting on a comfy couch in an air-conditioned lounge two days before the big game? Go the ABs. Give 'em a taste of Kiwi.

Having said that…

READ IN CASE OF LOSS

What a muppet show that was from start to finish. Rugby is dead in New Zealand!

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If the NZRU stands for anything, it'll cancel every game from ripper through to president's grade until someone takes responsibility. If Minister of Sport Grant Robertson hasn't ploughed over every footie field in the country and turned them into cycle lanes by the end of the week, I'll bloody do it myself.

This loss is a disgrace of epic proportions; it's a crime, it's a bad smell, it's the end of all good. I've flipped my couch, smashed my mailbox and kicked the cat. What are the people in charge going to do? We need a review, a witch hunt and a circular firing squad. Someone needs to organise a month-long protest on Parliament grounds with its own plumbing.

It's time we found a new national sport. Maybe high jump. We got gold in that. What about mountain biking or judo or throwing shot-puts with our sunglasses on, like Maddi Wesche at the Olympics? Is ram raiding a sport? We are exceptional at those. What about marathon lockdowns?

This isn't just a loss, it is symptomatic of the rot that has befallen our once great nation. We have been emasculated by a soft, social media-addicted, selfie-taking, scared to go outside, video game obsessed, internet filth-infected generation of participation trophy losers. Every single head in the country should roll. Obviously, the Government needs to go, but so do the city councils, school boards, and apartment building body corps. This is the worst thing that has ever happened to me, you, your dog or our country.

READ IN CASE OF WIN

Told you so. I kept the faith where no one else did. That was a heroic performance for the ages. I can't believe you bunch of commies doubted the mighty ABs. Get some God damn respect in ya. Fozzie knows more about the game than you, your mates, and all of Canterbury combined. More importantly, he is a quantifiably better breakdancer than Razor.

Once again, our little nation shows the world what can be achieved with a big heart, sportsmanship and some good old-fashioned number 8 fencing wire can-do attitude. Stand proud, Aotearoa. We box above our weight again and again. Just look at the Commonwealth Games. We destroy and humiliate every country that dares challenge us in any sport arena (per capita). It's been raining gold, silver and bronze in Birmingham, and I'd like to report a torrential downpour of mana in South Africa.

Everyone who has ever played rugby or made a sandwich at a club room anywhere in the country deserves a knighthood. The All Blacks are not only superior sports people; they're better looking, more intelligent, more honourable and better in the sack. New Zealand, you have been deemed the greatest nation on Earth; anyone who doesn't agree can get @#$%ed.

READ IN CASE OF DRAW

What an absolute ding-dong. That was down and dirty 10-man rugby the way real fans like it. All the best to both teams and nations for next week's scintillating fixture.

Note - If we won, can you please ignore that first response and vice versa if we lost? Bless.

Matt Heath covers All Blacks games with The Alternative Commentary Collective. They will be back for the home tests on iHeartRadio, Radio Hauraki and Sky Sport Now Channel 9