Gia, please hack into your co-stars’ iCloud accounts and circulate more incriminating screenshots.
One Married At First Sight wife remains oblivious her husband doesn’t love her at Sunday night’s commitment ceremony – despite him doing everything short of hiring a skywriter to spell it out above Trash Tower.
Meanwhile, the text message scandal is officially over. Done. Finito. Or, more accurately: It’s banned. The experts intervene, declaring we’ll never mention the screenshots again and that everyone needs to put their iPhones on aeroplane mode.
Thank gosh. But while this solves one problem, it creates another: there are now no interesting storylines to fill the 90-minute episode with.
As the finale looms closer, the couples have been whittled down to just a handful of freaks. And the only lingering drama is Bec’s crude text messages where she called Alissa and David various C-words.
Sexpert Alessandra kicks things off: “It was actually quite shocking to see some of the behaviour that occurred at last night’s dinner party.”
Um, it absolutely was not surprising to see this behaviour at a MAFS dinner party. But continue.
John Aiken brings up the screenshots.
“It’s abhorrent. Those words, those phrases … appalling,” he scolds.
But then John himself goes and does something equally appalling.
“We do not want to revisit this ever again. It is being put to bed as of right now,” he declares of the text message scandal.
Um … okay. But, like, what the hell are we gonna talk about now?
Honestly, John. If you’re going to hose down one fire, you need to make sure the kindling is already starting to burn on a separate blaze.
[Also, it’s so noble of you to shut down the text message drama and ban it only after it has played out for two weeks.]
The only thing left to do? Torture Danny into finally admitting he doesn’t love Bec.
The tumultuous couple plonks down on the sofa for their session with the experts.
Last time we saw them, they were bickering at the drunken dinner party. Danny was fed up that Bec had again courted drama. And after he heard the words she wrote in those text message screenshots, his attraction waned to the point where he basically admits to us that he’s struggling to have sex.
Not that Bec will confess any of this. She believes she can convince us they’re the strongest couple here.
“There’s so much love and adoration in this relationship,” she beams.
The experts cut to the chase: how have things been since Bec blindsided Danny with an unreciprocated declaration of love?
Bec tries to control the narrative to relieve any embarrassment.
“I’m in love. He’s not there yet … I won’t allow that fact to ruin how good it feels for me,” she giggles while snuggling into Danny, who visibly winces.
Last week, the experts watched as Danny refused to give a clear answer about whether, one day, he might be able to fall in love with Bec. He weaselled out of a response. But tonight, the interrogation continues.
“I think I misinterpreted the question,” Danny stammers. “The question … what was the ques-”
“CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF FALLING IN LOVE WITH ME?” Bec interrupts.
John Aiken stares at him. “It was a pretty black and white question.”
Danny launches into damage control. His spin? He’s actually being respectful by refusing to tell Bec he loves her.
“From my point of view, I don’t feel like, as a man, if I give Bec my word on something, I’m always gonna stand to that. And I don’t think saying, ‘Yes, I can 100 per cent fall in love with you’, would be the right thing to say. Because it’s almost making a promise … [and] I don’t think you can promise that before you’re in love with someone.”
Translation: No.
He then takes a different tack.
“[If I could do it all over again] I’d just say yes, I could see myself falling in love with you,” he sighs.
So … he’d lie, just to avoid all the awkwardness of these persistent confrontations. Romantic!
Bec then attempts to avoid embarrassment again.
“He asked me to be his girlfriend!” she brags to the experts about Danny’s gesture earlier this week.
The experts squint. “What inspired you to ask Bec that question?”
Danny shrugs. “It was important to Bec.”
Expert Mel Schilling narrows her eyes. “But why was it important to YOU?”
Danny fumbles. “It gives Bec security.”
“But why was it important to YOU?” Mel pushes.
“It was more … um … yeah, I think Bec just wanted the added security …”
“BUT. WHY. WAS. IT. IMPORTANT. TO. YOU?” Mel demands.
“... Because I knew it’d be special to Bec?”
“BUT WHY WAS IT IMPORTANT TO YOU?!” Mel screams.
The experts push and push to get Danny to simply admit he asked Bec to be his girlfriend just to get her off his back. Given the fact they’re already married, this move was low-stakes and bought him some more time without having to say he loves her.
After a lot of frustrated blinking and head hanging, Danny finally mutters through gritted teeth: “Well ... because ... I ... uh ... I want her to be my girlfriend. That’s why I done it.”
Everyone else in the room can see him trying to wiggle out of this. Everyone except Bec.
“CUUUUTE!” she gushes. “It’s really special to me.”
She then leans over and demands a moment of affection.
“Kiss me,” she whispers.
Someone please organise the skywriter.
Married at First Sight screens Sundays to Wednesdays on Three and Three Now.