Maybe pop on some sunscreen if you're gonna stay out in the sun like that, doll xx Photo / Channel 9
One of Married At First Sight's final vow ceremonies turns into a slag-off match as a husband and wife start hurling insults at each other like they're Olivia and Domenica before splitting up.
Spoiler: It's not Olivia and Jackson. Boo! But Jackson still crushes Olivia in a tiny way and she has to restrain herself from going full-blown Will Smith on him. Yay!
We love love.
It's that special time of the series where we find out if these couples that were matched by haphazardly plucking random headshots off the floor of a production office will stay together forever.
They've been through a lot. Affairs and nude pic scandals. Sorta-glassings. Mitch's turtleneck phase.
But has the challenge been worth it? Tonight, we begin to find out which couples will walk out of the experiment and live happily ever after in the outside world where they can hopefully secure Metamucil ambassadorship deals like Jules and Cam.
These are modern love stories.
Brent and Tamara are not on speaking terms after it came to light at the final dinner party that Tamara doesn't actually know what Brent does for work and that she has been telling people he's a waitress. So … their final decisions are gonna be a real nailbiter.
All our couples are split up for a week to think about their decisions — except for Cody and Selina, who get to do a home visit because the borders have opened back up. We're nervous. Only because we don't think her parents will like Cody. Why?
"If my mum could pick me the perfect husband, he would look like Kim Jong-un and have a multimillion-dollar company in China," Selina has told us before.
So … let's go introduce Cody to the parents!
When we arrive, it's only Selina's mum Teresa who greets us at the door. Where's dad?
"He had a wedding to go to," Teresa says.
It's 10am on a Tuesday.
And at approximately 10.03am, Cody breaks one of Teresa's antique tea cups. But it's OK. Teresa doesn't make a big deal out of-
"It says you're clumsy and you might handle stuff without thinking properly and that includes relationships," she scolds him.
Teresa, that's the most accurate assessment of a MAFS contestant we've ever seen on this series.
As they end their home visit and part ways to spend some time apart, Cody shocks everyone by surprising Selina with a gift. He has adopted a sea otter in her name. Cute! But it doesn't make up for the past few weeks. Selina, accept the sea otter and then block ya husband's number.
But she would never do that. Why?
"I'm not good with goodbyes because normally I just get ghosted so I never get to say goodbye," she sobs to us.
We then have to watch her crying in a driveway while holding a stuffed sea otter and waving away Cody's Uber. It's sadder than the time Carolina cheated on Dion while he was at home alone organising his fedora collection.
About 37 minutes of this episode is just footage of all the MAFS lunatics slumming around their hometowns on overcast days and having fake conversations with their frumpy friends about whether they should dump their spouses.
The only opinion worth hearing comes from Brent's mum.
"If he's not happy, f**k Tamara," she spits.
You better believe Brent takes on board his mum's sage advice. As he arrives at the vow renewal ceremony, his face is serious and he walks with an I-mean-business stride. No one's tearing him down today. Not even some know-it-all real estate receptionist from the Gold Coast.
He's had enough. All the put-downs. The belittling comments made behind his back. The signs were always there — even on the very first day when Tamara said she wouldn't date him if he was a retail queen.
The idea of committing himself to Tamara makes Brent sick. He knows it would be his life's greatest regret. And that's saying something. Take one look at him and you'll see he has committed himself to a lot of really bad neck tattoos.
And for Tamara, the feeling's mutual.
"I do have slight concerns about my vows — there will be some touchy subjects in there for Brent that I don't know if he'll be willing to listen to," she tells us.
Huh. Sounds like you both better brace ya-selves.
When they come face-to-face at the beautiful venue, they stare at each other and get ready to fire their insults.
"The truth of the matter is that, from day one, my intuition was telling me there was something not right between us," she begins, resisting the urge to insult her husband's height and waitressing career.
"So many times I think back to how you acted that caused unsaid awkward tension. You were using your ego as a protective shield for insecurities in a relationship. Being with you made me feel homesick. It made me feel out of place, and miss what I left behind."
Then she tries to break up with him like she's an HR rep letting go of an average employee before their three-month probation is up.
"I don't see a future with you and I feel the best path for me is a path alone at this stage, I'm sorry," she states.
The fact that Tamara thinks she's the one doing the dumping riles up Brent even more and, by the time he gets to deliver his vows, the scathing words tumble out of his mouth like a freestyle rap.
"You became vindictive, spiteful and self absorbed," he glares at her witheringly.
"I was made to feel like a fool, chasing you around for the smallest amount of decency and respect. The screaming … and the inability to be kind destroyed us. And you never took responsibility for your part in our sh*tty fate. No matter how hard I tried to mend things, it felt like you were only ever thinking about yourself.
"I've seen the real you — the one who doesn't respect me or anyone around her. You lack all the qualities I look for in a partner. You are not god's gift to humanity, so stop looking down on everyone. I don't even know where you get the confidence to do so. So on that note, good luck, good riddance."
He tosses his note cards on the ground and storms off.
Ooft. Look, Tamara's said a lot of mean things about Brent in the past, but what he said to her just now must've been pretty confronting to hear. We hope she's alrigh-
"What Brent said to me is something I get told by insecure people all the time," she snaps.
"I don't need any more friends, I got a lot of friends."
Alrighty. We think she'll be just fine.
Now, we can only wish that Jackson and Olivia's vows end with a similar crud-slinging match but we know the producers will never give us our fairytale ending.
For weeks, they've been making it seem like Jackson's getting fed up with his wife's mean girl ways, but of course that's not going to affect his decision.
As they meet under a random tree to deliver their vows, Olivia reads aloud the history she has rewritten.
"During this experiment, I feel as though I've been accused by others of being a vindictive grudge holder with an agenda for revenge," she seethes. "I've been attacked and pushed to breaking point."
We remember it differently, but … go on.
"I believe to the core of my being that you're the right man for me. Jackson, I love you," she beams.
It's supposed to be a romantic moment but we're distracted by the fact she looks really different with a high ponytail.
The producers tell Jackson to ramp up the tension by making it seem like he's about to dump her. He does a terrible job and we know how it's gonna end, so let's just cut to the chase.
"Although we won't always see eye-to-eye, I am so grateful that I met you," he says. "You're amazing to me. Although I'm not at the 'I love you' stage yet, I want you to definitely know I'm on my way there."
And just like that, Olivia's "I love you" is left hanging. Of course, she tries to downplay it.
"I'm so happy, I don't think it could've gone any better," she smiles to us.
Well, he could've said he loves you.
The clock's now ticking. He's probably only got a four week period until Olivia plots revenge and starts sending cut-up scraps of his gym clothes to him in the mail.
MAFS is available in NZ on Three and ThreeNow
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