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A cruel new Married At First Sight controversy begins to rumble on Tuesday night as a wife's nude photo circulates among the contestants — a new low that makes us wish for the innocent days of cheating scandals and near-glassings.
The trailer that rolls at the end of tonight's episode teases the moment at Wednesday's dinner party where the wife is publicly told of the photo in a blime-fibe that not even Tracey Jewel would recover from.
Publicly leaking someone's intimate photos as a way to humiliate them or cause distress is appalling. Nudie pics are between me, whoever I choose to share them with, and the unsuspecting Apple Genius Bar employees who accidentally see them while helping me with my iPhone.
This incident will no doubt kickstart some important conversations – much like the one we find Tamara and Brent having.
"Sea lions aren't real," Tamara declares while staring out at the ocean.
Brent squints, trying to decide if his wife is joking. She's absolutely not.
"What's a sea lion? They're not real," she doubles down. "I thought it was a mythical creature."
Producers eagerly pull her aside to record more of her scientific musings on tape.
"I don't think sea lions are a real thing," she says.
"Do you believe in seals?" the producer asks.
Tamara takes a beat. "I do believe in seals, yes."
New show idea: Tamara commentating nature documentaries. We can hear it now:
Flamingoes are a scam. They're just bin chickens in better outfits. They're the Anna Sorokins of the animal kingdom.
Speaking of science and scams, Ella is sick of being hoodwinked by those Muppet Babies masquerading as relationship experts. So she decides to seek out a more trusted source.
"I'm a medium as well as a psychic," a witchy lady tells us while tossing the end of her Stevie Nicks shawl over a shoulder.
After closing her eyes and consulting the spirits, she gives Mitch a knowing smile.
"Mitch, is it a dream of yours to swim with dolphins?" she nods.
Mitch scrunches his face. "No."
Welp, the witch's insight is still more helpful than whatever the experts are offering. And Ella eats it up.
"You might find yourself in five years' time surrounded by dolphins," she tells her husband.
Or, in five years' time, he might get drunk and get a dolphin tattoo on his pubic bone. Either way, these mystic visions have been invaluable.
Though we do wonder why the tarot cards didn't reveal that Mitch would be getting his butthole lasered later that afternoon. It seems there are some situations so catastrophic that even the spirits can't bear to foresee them.
Meanwhile, Olivia is still furious that her husband has a gym membership.
"I didn't sign up for a husband two days a week," she seethes about his one-hour-per-day workout routine.
"I don't wanna be sitting at home twiddling my thumbs. I signed on for a husband – a full-time husband."
Olivia, get a grip. It's the gym – not space travel.
"He's married – he's gotta grow up and stop doing that sorta shit."
That advice would carry more weight if it wasn't coming from a woman who cut up a girl's dress and mailed the scraps to her in the post.
"He's not some 20-year-old frat boy. If he's willing to put that part of his life away to accommodate me and my feelings, that would be ideal."
Olivia, do you know how lucky you are to have a husband who voluntarily goes to the gym? Also, it's not the torture chamber you think it is. The gym can be fun, you just gonna know what to do. My top hack? Do an hour on the stationary bike, but just watch the mini TV and don't peddle. The time flies by.
Over at Cody's share house on Sydney's northern beaches, we find Salina bathing in a tub of undiluted Pine O Cleen. This week has been hell on earth, living in her husband's stinkpit of a home.
Selina is a saint. She has bitten her tongue about so much throughout this entire experiment but tonight she snaps. Why? Cody tells her they're going bird watching and convinces her to wear matching camouflage suits that look like something pulled out of his bathroom drain.
The catch? Cody secretly changes out of his suit, and when Selina jumps in the car, she finds her husband wearing normal clothes. She feels like an idiot — being out in public, looking like Oscar The Grouch's extra-grouchy cousin.
"Just run with it," he dismisses her. "It's just a bit of a stitch up."
Oh, yeah — great stitch up. You should get your own prank show on Netflix.
He puts his foot on the accelerator to drive off but she pushes open the door and jumps out of the moving car.
"I'm humiliated, upset, I'm angry," she fumes to us. "I am a good sport, I'm always positive. But there is a poster of a watermelon inside my vagina."
We then cross live to Cody's bedroom to see the poster of the watermelon vagina again:
"I'm sleeping on a Batman bed and now I'm in a swamp outfit!" she rants. "I'm f**kin' tapping out. I'm done."
Good job, Selina. We applaud your persistence. Many other people would've quit at watermelon vagina.
And just when we think we can't get lower than drain pube outfits and watermelon vaginas, the voiceover lady jumps in to tease Wednesday night's episode.
"A naked photo of one of the brides is being circulated in the group," she says as footage of rolling storm clouds plays.
Instead of stepping in and putting an end to the heinous behaviour, producers pull each contestant aside and pump them for gossip.
"What about this photo circulating?" one asks Tamara.
"Are you talking about Domenica's OnlyFans thing?" Tamara says while a smile creeps across her face.
By the time we get to the cocktail party, it seems everyone has seen the image.
"It's a very compromising photo," we hear Selina say.
Domenica and Jack are the last ones to know. Someone really should pull them aside and delicately explain the situation.
Instead, we see Cody blindside the couple over dinner by revealing it in front of everyone.
"We've all seen an image of you pretty much naked on a couch," he says.
Don't worry, Dom. The employees at the Apple Genius Bar have said the exact same thing to me.
• MAFS is available in NZ on Three and ThreeNow.
The Hollywood star is 70 but has no plans to retire from acting.