Sam Fisher: Sucked into macabre as the new sensitive sexy

Vampires now have fantastic bodies and hurt looks. Photo / Supplied

Opinion

I blame Buffy. Seven years and 144 episodes and by the end of it a generation were rooting for the vampires. If bimbo Buffy was the alternative, then vampires had to be all right.

This is great news for me as an aspiring script writer. I've been looking for new ideas to interest the TVNZ mates club, and this could be my silver bullet.

Turning on the television recently I was stunned to find myself in a parallel universe. Now the heroes are the creatures who bite you, suck all your blood and then consign you to a hellish undead life. And no, not the Australian-owned businesses "saving" our economy.

Vampires. They love us and want to be our friends.

No more stakes, crucifixes and terror, but intelligent conversations, long pauses and erotic embraces.

Vampire love is a brilliant metaphor: We've come a long way with our insights into how we repress our sexuality, shun outsiders, demonise strangers and have sex with undead hounds of hell.

However, it's a crowded market. The well-stocked book stands and all the movie adverts (other than Shrek 3) are about our pale new friends.

In my youth, vampires were either older men in dapper suits, or decaying rotting horrors with nasty long teeth. Now vampires are young, with tight clothes, fantastic bodies and vulnerable hurt looks. Trinny and Susannah have earned their money there.

Still the premise is good, and inspired me to write about a cuddly serial killer who butchers people. But horror, halfway through writing the script for episode 27, I happened to see something called Dexter. He's nice as he only slaughters bad people. Sort of like Robin Hood. Sort of. Well, not really at all.

Undeterred, my plan now is to develop a series of scripts based on the principles of this new rich meaty vein. Some TV we can really sink our teeth into.

Shortbread Street: A flat of vulnerable, but misunderstood cannibals, who work in a sort of medical centre, maybe a private hospital, just anywhere with lots of doctors and nurses.

They pick up passersby, patients and visitors and, after some angst-ridden romance and other personal interactions, they eat them. The integrity of the characters as they try to get along in a confusing world will make this a teen favourite.

Outrageous Housewives: Moving on a step from Six Feet Under, this team of sexy and frustrated housewives robs graves for body parts and kidnaps children to sell into slavery.

The group have a lot of secrets, mainly about who they have slept with, but they dress immaculately and have very nice dinner parties.

No Survivor: A comedy-drama set in an extremist training camp with young men and women learning how to be suicide bombers. The tears, the laughter and some wacky humour before they blow themselves and a lot of ordinary people to smithereens.

This will be an era of TV and movies we can all identify with. Who reading this hasn't sucked the blood out of someone, beheaded a policeman or murdered innocent people? You see, we now know modern vampires are like us, but more so. They're the us that we want to be.

That means they provide us with some helpful lessons.

Avoid foods like garlic - even if it doesn't turn you to vapour, it's dangerous on a crowded bus. Be careful what you choose to drink. Don't hang out in churches.

And most importantly, no matter how hideous your crimes, wear dark glasses. Being good is now less important than looking good.

So who are the real monsters here?

That Guy is on leave