Nevertheless, before getting to that delicious unpleasantness, there’s a game of rugby to play.
To win, the teams must get the ball to their kicker, who is floating on a platformin the tide. The kicker must get a drop goal, which is worth one point. The first to four points wins. After each point, the kickers are replaced.
It’s a clash of the codes as former Warriors star Wairangi Koopu and All Blacks legend Christian Cullen face off as the first kickers.
It’s less than impressive stuff from the two greats. But out of their lofty shadows, an unlikely hero emerges: Dunkedon Garner.
“He might not be able to run fast. Or side-step. But he’s got a pretty good pass,” Koopu acknowledges after the broadcaster rockets a pass straight to him.
“I keep telling people I play rugby to a reasonable level,” Dunkedon Garner boasts. “But it falls on deaf ears.”
Koopu’s kick sails through the posts. Goal!
Wētā lead 1-0. The kickers are replaced by James Rolleston and Baird.
Rolleston fumbles a pass, causing Carmel Sepuloni and Bubbah to splash into the water after it. But the politician stumbles in the surf and is inadvertently injured by the comedian. She hobbles out of the game.
It is a turning point.
“It’s supposed to be touch rugby, but it’s full contact,” Spankie Jackzon says as the celebs indulge in some argy-bargy.
Utilising their physical advantage, Wētā set up Rolleston, who takes a punt. Goal!
Gaby Solomona and Mea Motu replace the lads as kickers.
Duncan Garner demonstrates his rugby skills. Photo / TVNZ
“We need a win here,” Baird notes. Unfortunately, that seems unlikely as Solomona grins, saying, “I don’t want to brag but I used to play for Auckland Touch”.
The whistle blows. Cullen leaps at Koopu and Foliaki dunks on Dunkedon Garner, sending the broadcaster sprawling to the sand.
Unrattled, he’s straight back up, saying, “Bring it,” before sending another rocket to Solomona. The former Auckland Touch representative lines up her kick and… it’s wide. No goal.
Wētā gives her a second chance. She kicks and… Goal!
Wētā lead 3-0. Koopu and Cullen are back as kickers. Wētā's MVP Dunkedon Garner launches a rocket directly to his captain, impressing co-host Lance Savali who shouts, “What a pass from Duncan!”.
Wētā will get to choose who to put up for elimination, but not before participating in some utterly shameless product placement for a fast food outlet.
They’re given coins to bid in an auction of various menu items. It’s dull. Until the final item.
Host Bree Tomasel describes it as “game-changing,” and Sepuloni instantly goes all in. Failed saboteur Aidee Walker tries to pool her coins with her captain, despite knowing he’ll never agree.
“Wairangi?” she pleads softly.
He’s caught off-guard and freezes. The cringe is palpable. But Jackzon’s done playing. “We’ll go 30,” he snaps, handing his coins to ally Sepuloni.
Carmel Sepuloni and Spankie Jackzon open a game-changing scroll. Photo / TVNZ
The pair must immediately pick two players on each side to swap teams, and give one other player immunity.
“I wish I’d bid on a bloody burger!” Jackzon moans.
After a quick huddle, they take Aihe’s strongest players, Tāmati Coffey and Foliaki, and toss out Walker and Dunkedon Garner. Mea Motu is gifted immunity.
Walker could see it coming, but poor old Dunkedon Garner is blindsided. He’d played a stellar game of rugby and won a pack of chicken nuggets and $5k for The Cancer Society in the auction. It was one of the greatest days of his life.
“Christian Cullen just gave me player of the day!” he squeaks, joy draining from his face and tears welling in his eyes. Despite playing his guts out, Wētā did not think he was useful after all.
Meanwhile, Foliaki and Coffey stress as they head over to their new camp. They are not made to feel welcome as Coffey is instantly told he’s going into elimination.
Panicked, he scrambles for a way out, offering deals and singing Aihe’s secrets like a canary.
“We want to take out the alliance,” Sepuloni states coldly.
“What alliance?” Coffey replies, his worry replaced by bafflement. “There’s no alliances going on.”
The paranoid Wētā remain unconvinced.
The refreshed teams meet at the elimination challenge, where Wētā cuts an intimidating presence.
“It looks like they’ve made The Avengers of CTI,” Aihe’s Bubbah gulps. “We look like fairies.”
Wētā wants to break the alliance that Coffey says does not exist. Michelle Langstone is called to face him in the challenge.
No matter what, it’s win-win for Wētā. Coffey wins? Aihe’s leadership alliance is broken. Langstone wins? Coffey, whom they consider a threat, goes home and they gain the powerful Motu.
Mea Motu leaves Aihe and joins Wētā. Photo / TVNZ
The challenge starts. The pair lie on swings and begin transferring pegs from one board to another. Coffey can’t keep up with the graceful Langstone, who swoops to and fro like a bird. He is eliminated.
Aihe are jubilant. Their victory is the ultimate clapback to Wētā's strongarm tactics and proof that they are not a pack of weaklings.
But that joy is short-lived as Motu, their former muscle, is assimilated into Wētā and their already powerful foes become even harder, better, faster, stronger for the weeks ahead.
