A last minute decision by Jordan Vandermade saw Matilda Green sent home. Photo / TVNZ
OPINION:
Episode six and we’re coming in hotter than a restricted licence driver pulling into their driveway at 9.59pm.
“Jordan’s decision not to save Mary, I was like, burning with rage,” Kārearea’s Courtney Dawson tells the confession cam. “I was like, ‘I’m never going to trust you again, everything that comes out of your mouth is absolute lies’!” she exclaims and I’m glad you brought it up girl, because I’ve been dying to talk about this.
I had to take three Rescue Remedy gummies to calm my anxiety after Jordan Vandermade’s elimination move.
Calling his team in for a korero, Vandermade finally gives us the explanation we’ve been waiting 24 hours for and he’s less sorry than Justin Timberlake was when he released ‘Cry Me A River’ after his split from Britney Spears.
“As captain, I really felt today more than ever today the weight of making a big decision,” he says as Dawson squints her eyes suspiciously. “It’s really horrible, I feel your pain knowing there is four maybe five eliminations I can still use that card for.”
Maybe it’s the monotone approach or the major side eye from Blair Strang, but personally, I’m feeling let down. I wanted an Oscar-worthy apology from Vandermade. Tears, snot rockets, the whole shebang.
Encouraging his team to enter a prayer circle, our rogue captain makes them all hold hands and that would be the main plot if it weren’t for Strang clearly escaping to his mind palace.
He’s more zoned out than we were at the leaders debate and I desperately want to know what kind of inner paradise he’s escaped to. Is Matt Gibb there with his “threesome”, which he insisted is “always a good idea”, in life and CTI”?
Instead of taking that kinky road, we get delivered a one-liner from comedian Eli Matthewson.
“For some reason, I trust this guy,” Matthewson says as I pick my jaw up from the floor. “Everything he says to us I’m like yeah, I believe it... Am I in a cult?”
But before kitting himself out in a blue smock dress and head bonnet, things take a much lighter turn when Blair Strang, aka Blair Grylls, steals the camera crew and gives us the pure, yet chaotic energy we’ve been waiting for, “Welcome to my show of Man vs. Celebrity”.
It’s chic, it’s bold, and it comes to an end all too quickly when Strang is caught narrating his teammates’ activities in his best David Attenborough impression.
“We’ve been spotted,” he tells the camera, “Let’s get out of here before their egos erupt,” and with that, it’s off to the faceoff.
Today the teams must split into two - one half of the team will form and hold a bridge for the other half of the team, who will carry sandbags across it to the platform. There, they will throw them at an idol on a pole.
Whichever team knocks the idol off the pole will pick who goes up in the elimination battle - and get a lovely treat of cold McDonalds. Because seriously, we are so rural and the closest Maccy D’s must be Queenstown.
It’s a lengthy challenge but finally, Kārearea win thanks to the “smart nerd, turned dumb jock” Dawson. She is one to watch, and so is Vandermade who holds all the power once more.
At camp Tohorā, Matilda Green has a sneaky secret, she’s figured out her riddle that she won in a past elimination round is telling her a scroll is hiding behind the Tohorā sign. So, while on her way back from the faceoff she hangs at the back of the pack like a cool kid and swipes it.
Speaking to the confession cam, she reveals what it says; “Congratulations this playing card is the ace up your sleeve you’ll need come the final treasure hunt”.
I’m so distracted by the words that I don’t even notice the racey Daisy Jones turned-burlesque dancer playing card it comes with and it gives me a hell of a fright.
As for Green, she’s stoked and vows to keep it more hidden than a teenage boy’s search history.
Over at Kārearea, Vandermade fingers and cuts up all the McDonald’s burgers for his team into tiny pieces before taking a massive bite out of a full cheeseburger he keeps for himself and it feels like something Mojo Jojo would do. Where are the Powerpuff Girls when you need them?
“Just looking, remembering, thinking,” Dawson says and we know that she knows exactly what’s going on. Meanwhile, Matthewson is none the wiser, compliments the captain’s pickle choices and even offers up his own food and water supply to Vandermade. Okay, fine, he doesn’t do the last part, but would anyone actually be surprised at this point?
After some well-earned kai, the team discuss their elimination tactics and Strang asks Vandermade, “What about the mercy card? What are you thinking?”
“If I’m going to pick and put you up to try and take somebody out, Mary was the one name that wasn’t going to be part of that.”
It’s as cryptic as a Ray White real estate agent’s sales pitch and Strang simply isn’t buying this Wānaka waterfront rustic holiday home. “Nah man, you’re full of it,” he tells the confession cam, “he was very clear that he was going to save Mary and Mary got eliminated. Bro, come on now.”
Finally, Vandermade “decides” it will be Strang going up against Steve Price. Or does he?
Before we can find out, Kārearea’s Matthewson reveals why he has an undying love – sorry, dedication to Vandermade. “You know when we were talking last night,” he says to the captain, “I want me, you, Matty (Gibb) and Laura at the end.”
Vandermade nods and a bromance is born.
Back at camp Vandermade tells his team - except for Strang who is having a cup of tea elsewhere - “I just want you guys to know that I’m going to put Blair up tonight and I also want you guys to prepare for the fact I might not play that card,” he says referring to the mercy card. But does he tell Blair? You bet not!
At the elimination round, Vandermade changes his mind and puts up Tohorā's media personality Matilda Green battling for the Variety Children’s Charity against actor Blair Strang battling for the Dementia Foundation.
“He’s done the little switcharoo. I don’t think anyone will trust him anymore,” Dawson tells the confession cam of her captain’s surprise pick.
Sneaky, sneaky Vandermade. His choice sees the two castaways open a well-locked cage, grab three rings and throw them on a pole. It’s a seat-gripping round, but we finally have our winner. Strang.
Green says an emotional goodbye to her team, vows to race home and hug her beautiful babies and Strang becomes the “eliminator” before deciding actually he prefers to stay as “zaddy”. Why? I truly don’t know, but I do want to know if he will share the scroll he wins with his team.
“Oh gosh,” he tells the confession cam after a quick read. “How through the wheel of time, things change,” he declares.
And next week we find out just how dramatically Zaddy Grylls’ clue may indeed change things.
Celebrity Treasure Island airs weekly, Mon-Wed, 7.30PM on TVNZ 2 and TVNZ +.
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.
The Kiwi actor has been part of the Star Wars universe for more than 20 years.