Mary Lambie explodes after ultimate betrayal in brutal Celebrity Treasure Island elimination. Video / TVNZ
OPINION:
Tāme Iti and recently crowned captain James Mustapic go rogue today - not as rogue as the foot on Richie McCaw’s flight to France, rogue like two besties leaving the party early to have a platonic love fest over McDonald’s.
“This is your first day holding the kaiārahi for our team. I know you got it,” Iti tells everyone’s favourite castaway. “You got the kaha, you got a real character but also you performed really well yesterday.”
It’s a conversation that leaves Mustapic more smug than learning he’s also my favourite child. “He’s a national treasure and here he is talking to me, a comedian who makes fun of psychics and he’s telling me that I’m a great leader and I’m gonna do an amazing job on the show,” he tells the confession cam. “It’s just insane.”
When Mum says you're the favourite child. Photo / TVNZ
“I think he’s got all those qualities as a leader. Very thoughtful, cares for others too - and funny,” Iti tells the confession cam and I won’t lie, as a Capricorn, I feel uncomfortable with how many emotions this is making me feel. What are you doing to me, lads?
Back at camp, Iti calls Tohorā over and they all know what it’s about. Meanwhile I, like Chris Hipkins, am caught in the corner stress-eating sausage rolls.
“I just wanted to korero with you fellas,” the 71-year-old shares, “I think I’m gonna move out.”
I wish more than anything this was satire, but Iti reveals he’s been struggling.
“Coming here, it changed my whole routine, give me a bit of shock treatment but don’t get me wrong I’ve really loved this,” he says and the whole team is near tears. “Kei te pai, I’m here in your hearts just in my ā-tinana. I’m going home.”
Just two legends hanging out. Photo / TVNZ
It’s a heartfelt moment and teddy bear Matt Gibb pushes us to our emotional limit as he tells Iti, “I’ve never met anyone with so much mana and having you on the sideline and cheering me on just gave me your spirit and just feel it filling me up in my wairua. It was just like an experience I’ve never had.”
But it’s his final few words that leave tears in Iti’s eyes. “You are Tohorā,” he says, “you’re our kaumātua. We’re going to miss you so much. Love you mate.”
All I’m asking is for Tohorā to give me and my tear ducts a break.
But off at the team face-off we must have one last sob as Iti announces to the other team he is leaving. Kārearea’s Miriama Smith looks too stunned to speak, Iti’s teammate Steve Price is fighting back tears, and Laura Daniel is letting them all out.
It’s the end of an iconic era as we watch the legend walk off our Treasure Island screens for the final time, but there is no time to waste as host Jayden Daniels explains the rules for today’s face-off.
Both teams will start in the water and dive down to unlock four shackles, releasing a ladder. They must then work together and use the ladder to grab two keys, unlock a crate full of puzzle pieces and build a tree puzzle. Or, as Gibb says “Swim, swim, swim, tree, tree, tree.”
Swim, swim, swim, tree, tree, tree. Photo / TVNZ
The winners will have a very sweet prize that gives any teenage girl’s slumber party pack a run for its money, as well as choosing who goes up for elimination tonight. Oh la la.
After a tense round and some hardcore puzzling, it’s Iti-less Tohorā who take out the win and this one is for their fallen comrade. Until it’s not, because Kārearea have an advantage card up their sleeve and they decide to use it to steal the luxurious win.
“That’s pretty rank to be honest,” Gibb says and it’s a mood. You tell them Squirt, call them out. You’ve had an emotionally taxing day, you deserve the champagne and duvet covers.
Back at camp, Kārearea are talking about elimination and they aren’t feeling stressed because Vandermade has a mercy card and he said he will use it if anyone in his team gets sent home. Naturally, they all calm down and put their trust in the man who threw buckets of water on a 71-year-old man. It just feels right.
At the elimination round, Mustapic makes his first big captaincy decision and chooses Kārearea’s presenter, Mary Lambie, battling it out for Cure Our Ovarian Cancer to go up against Tohorā's TV personality, Matilda Green, battling it out for Variety Children’s Charity.
They must cart letter blocks through an obstacle court where they will then build a word puzzle. Green is confident, she is a force to be reckoned with and she knows it. Obviously, she’s right because, after a very close battle and some poor spelling from Lambie, it’s her who secures the win.
What does this mean, Jordan? What does it mean! Photo / TVNZ
Lambie waits for Vandermade to save her - like he promised, but he has a smug smirk on his lips that leaves me feeling concerned and frightened. We wait and we wait and Lambie is stalling with a fake goodbye and Vandermade is pretending like he has no idea what’s happening - much like the office manager when you tell them someone is heating fish in an open plan office at 8am.
Pretending to accept her fate, Lambie goes over to the team who give the presenter a hug goodbye. Then, hang on to your seats because it’s here the captain chillingly whispers in her ear, “Appreciate your understanding Mary. I appreciate your understanding. I won’t be playing it.” He says referring to the mercy card.
I’m just going to call it now, Vandermade has more drama in him than Vanderpump Rules Sandoval scandal.
“I think that’s really cowardly”, she tells the confession cam before explosively screaming, “F*** you, you f**king f***,” as she crawls toward the camera on her hands and knees like a goddamn lioness.
I’m shocked, I’m shaken, I’m calling mum to come pick me up.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Photo / TVNZ
Celebrity Treasure Island airs weekly, Mon-Wed, 7.30PM on TVNZ 2 and TVNZ +.
Lillie Rohan is an Auckland-based reporter covering lifestyle and entertainment stories who joined the Herald in 2020. She specialises in all things relationships and dating, great Taylor Swift ticket wars and TV shows you simply cannot miss out on.
