Kate Stewart: Jesus Christ, Elvis Presley, the Titanic ... they wouldn't get away with it today

I've been giving a lot of thought as to how much the course of history could have been changed with "advances" we have made and are now experiencing.

Weird, I know ... but that's just me.

Take the Great Fire Of London.

Would never have happened if only they knew what we know now, or had access to what we can access.

For starters, there would have been no need for bread if they adopted the no/low carb diet. Damn those poor peasants for requiring such cheap food.

Those with a spare penny could have made a more rapid escape on a Lime electric scooter ... weaving their way over uneven cobbles, the resulting accidents rendering many unconscious and succumbing to smoke inhalation. Perhaps they would be no better off, really.

But let's face it — would the kitchen in the bakery really have passed council inspections?
What would their food grade be?

No ventilation, no refrigeration, rats running riot and — OMG — no gluten-free flour.

The council compliance costs would be enough to bankrupt them, forcing closure — and so avoiding disaster, though depriving the predominantly poor community of an affordable food source.

Yep, we've made real progress. LMAO.

Moving on ... Believer or not, who doesn't love a good miracle like Jesus and the fish and the loaves.

More carbs again.

He could have simply called Uber Eats.

But where is the miracle in that, I hear you ask? Getting a driver that wouldn't be caught on camera helping themselves to the order.

And what of another miracle ... turning water into wine.

My hero!

But between the police and other regulatory forces, the fines would be enough to bankrupt "the church".

Drinking in public, public intoxication, and a lack of nutritional info and labelling would see the whole exercise rendered illegal and pointless.

Yep, I bet the police would be laughing as they drank themselves silly in their own uncontrolled/unpatrolled bars.

That's justice for ya.

Now let's compare Marilyn Monroe with Elvis Presley.

One gives a breathy, sexy and not-too-subtle performance, singing Happy Birthday to JFK (in the presence of his wife) like a crazed, desperate bitch on heat.

Today, would that be viewed as a show of a woman's sexual liberation ... a celebration in the war against sexism?

Her proven "junkie" status would be conveniently explained away by sexual events in her past. A victim but a powerful woman and role model for feminism ... who willingly slept her way to the top.

Yet Elvis the Pelvis would, no doubt, attract the attention of the #MeToo campaign.

A filthy male pig, sexually exploiting, offending and demeaning women by the mere movement of his hips. Crucified by Facebook posts, Tweets and hashtags.

And, no doubt, a paedophile for taking such a young wife.

Who needs a trial when a misguided public is judging you?

Advantageous unwanted advances? Hmm ... I wonder. The throngs of screaming women would suggest otherwise — not a normal effect of Quaaludes.

Lastly, the Titanic.

Let's be honest, it would never have happened if only they had the "benefit" of global warming back then.

It would have ensured the melting of the offending iceberg well before the ship met with its deadly demise. Curse you, you less polluted atmosphere!

How dare nature take so many lives ... human error is unthinkable. It's all the iceberg's fault. Who can we blame and/or sue?

Maybe history doesn't repeat ... but that doesn't automatically mean that it gets any better. Maybe, heaven forbid, we've just effed up in different ways.

Trouble is, we're too weak and pathetic to own it, but if all of this is really considered progress then we need to be genuinely concerned.

Progress is subjective.

*Your present thoughts on our future are welcome — investik8@gmail.com