Ruth Spencer: Five people you meet at the movies

Movies are great. Martin Scorsese said they represent a quest for the common unconscious. There are also hot people in them and things explode with reasonable frequency. The only downside is that other people go to movies too. Here are five people who might be sharing your common unconscious - whether you like it or not.

The Auteur

Sipping her syrah, she has probably already said the word cinema several times in the lobby and will be a little bit disappointed when the lights go down and she'll have to stop saying it. When the film starts, there's more acting from her seat than on the screen: she leans forward, a frown creasing her brow. After 10 minutes she sighs loudly, leaning back, a picture of disdain. The rest of the audience sits guiltily, wondering why they're still enjoying something so clearly awful.

The Texter

The movie equivalent of aiming lasers at airline pilots, texters burn out your retinas with their busy phone screens. Our reptilian brains, so well-equipped to appreciate Bruce Willis, are terrible at ignoring a rogue light down the row. But the texter is a victim too, so busy and important that 90 minutes without typing "tru dat" would end him. "Seein a movie" he tweets bravely into the darkness. Lol.

The Frodo

Constantly journeying there and back again, the Frodo just can't stay in the Hobbiton of his seat. Off to the toilet, the bar, to smoke, his silhouette pops up again and again as he wanders away on new missions. There's an app that tells you the best point in any given movie to go to the loo so you won't miss anything - perhaps he has that. Or perhaps he's using the multiplex to see bits of all the films currently playing, saving hundreds in ticket costs as he wanders from Dunkirk to It to My Year With Helen (and back again), an emotional roller coaster unmatched by any Hollywood blockbuster.

The Hog

For someone who has paid to be entertained, the hog is utterly terrified of boredom. His arms full of popcorn, icecream and Coke as though laying in supplies for a really delicious apocalypse, he starts scoffing the second he sits down. The hog has developed some interesting techniques, such as dipping his icecream in the popcorn then sucking up the soggy kernels. This is usually followed by shaking the popcorn box in swoops like Gordon Ramsay tossing a sauce, only far louder and with the swearing coming from everyone else in the theatre.

The Tour Guide

She's seen it already but it was so good she got a group together to see it again. As the movie is kind of hers now, she's compelled to blurt: "oh this bit's funny!" before every bit - which, as a result, is not funny. "Watch this bit!" she'll whisper to a group of people all staring at a brightly lit wall, clearly about to watch this bit. If only you could hook her up with the Frodo and send them both on a nice long quest for the common unconscious - or at least the exit.