Peter Bromhead: Remedying an anomaly

Illustration / Peter Bromhead

Following my cries of anguish in last week's column at being excluded from the top 50 people who matter in Auckland, I have been inundated with advice on how to remedy this anomaly.

Most agree I should leave the shallow mudflats of celebrity gossip to others more spiritually accomplished in recording micro-trivia, and instead focus on developing a career as a TV frontman.

One reader thought I would be ideal for such a role, having viewed me on telly, spinning the wheel in Lotto's weekly event and noting how glibly I smiled even though I won only a minor prize instead of a million smackers.

To hone my showmanship skills, advisers suggested I should study the ego-encrusted techniques of local television presenters who are widely regarded as being at the top of their game.

Tuning into Paul Henry's early morning session, I was surprised to see a familiar face as a guest. No less than yesteryear's master TV interviewer Dr Brian Edwards.

The ageing doctor, however, appeared sullen and spent a considerable part of the show telling Henry how much he personally disliked him.

Of course, this weary old-timer clearly recalls when the roles were reversed and Dr Edwards' guests - including a former Prime Minister - were the ones hurling derogatory comments back at him.

I also recall that Edwards seemed impervious to insult, at the time possessing the same persuasive confidence that Henry now enjoys.

When the two meet occasionally under television's spotlight it appears to present a slightly amusing doppelganger experience for viewers.

Faintly surprised at the doctor's ill-mannered comments, I was relieved to note on a number of Facebook references, his reassurance that he was only indulging in irony and hyperbole - subtle undercurrents of expression little understood by your average Kiwi.

That includes me; until enlightened, I believed I was merely viewing an exchange of petty professional jealousy between yesterday's television icon and the latest incumbent now enjoying telly beatification.

This has left me wondering whether I really want to reinvent myself as a "television personality".

I'm apprehensive that I wouldn't be able to psychologically handle a public slagging on the box by an astute old warhorse such as Edwards.

Alas, I suspect that a stronger desire to headbutt him might overwhelm my ability to stay benignly accommodating, particularly when subjected to derisive commentary masquerading as irony or hyperbole.