Diana Clement: Don't leave it too late to talk to elderly relatives about end-of-life finances

Having the courage to start the conversation is probably one of the biggest gifts you can give your older relatives. Photo / 123RF

Your parents are loving retirement. At some point, they'll finish their wild adventures and enter the next phase of life.

All too often the younger generation doesn't ask the questions they need to. I know from bitter experience that leaving these conversations too late with older relatives can leave you dealing with endless problems and decades of clutter.

"Do you have a will, investments, debts, long-term care preferences, a safety deposit box (people still have these), unfinished business, surprises such as secret offspring, special belongings you don't just want chucked in a skip?" How do you even start that conversation?

Some people just won't accept that there might be a day when they need help, or they leave their offspring with an almighty financial and physical mess to clean up. "Too often there's an apprehension around broaching the subject," says Glenys Talivai, chief executive at the Public Trust.

Yet plans and paperwork are something we should all be sharing with our children as soon as they're adults, says Stephanie Clare, chief executive of Age Concern.

It's not easy. Everyone has secrets or stuff they don't want to share, says Clare.

Where do you start? It's not quite a matter of saying: "Hey dad, I need access to your paperwork now." No matter how old the person is, it's their money, their paperwork, and their decisions.

If they can get to a position where they're able to share, it can help ensure their wishes are followed before and after death.

"These are conversations we should be having our whole life," says Clare. "What's important to me that I know that I want to pass on?"

When the boot is on the other foot and you're the younger person, then the earlier you introduce the conversations the better the success rate. "They don't need to make decisions (immediately)," says Clare. "They might say: 'I'm not interested in talking about that now'. If it doesn't work the first time, don't stop trying. Keep talking about it."

Having the courage to start the conversation is probably one of the biggest gifts you can give your older relatives, says Talivai.

Talivai suggests starting the conversation by talking about the difficult situations others around you have been through and asking your relative if they have thought about what a similar situation might mean for them.

Start with something like: "It's really important for me to make sure that, you know, your wishes are carried out or what you want that I understand that" says Talivai. "That might be just the beginning of a conversation."

A great resource, says Clare, is the long-term care plan that can be downloaded from the Healthnavigator.org.nz website. Your relative may be a long way off needing care. But the template will help you figure out what you need to ask.

Wait for an appropriate time then start to ask some of the questions in the document. An example could be after a funeral or family event, says Clare.

Take it slowly. Going through the process may help your relative decide to take other steps such as signing enduring powers of attorney (EPAs) and a will.

Too many New Zealanders leave dealing with these important documents until it's too late, says Talivai. "If (EPAs) are not in place, they now need to go to court, in order to apply to become the property attorney or the attorney for personal care. It's going to cost them an awful lot more to go through the court, and then there's just the time."

Finally, please remember that all adults have the right to make their own decisions about money and property and that any conversation needs to come from a place of care.