Ena Sharples and her friend Minnie Caldwell passed on years ago. But both like to keep up with what's going on in the Street. As it reaches its 40th birthday they discuss the state of affairs over a milk stout in the Coro Club - and FRANCES GRANT, never one for gossip, cant 'elp but over'ear.
Ena: I'll 'ave a glass o' milk stout, thanks. I don't know about you, Minnie, but as a decent Christian woman, I'm scandalised by goings-on on t' Street these days. There's no respect for Royalty and it's nowt but legover, as Dennis Tanner would say. What sort of a world 'as it come to?
Minnie: I remember when young Dennis Tanner went off with that stripper lady with the snake. Even Stan Ogden 'ad a fancy woman, 'er over at No 19 Inkerman St.
Ena: Minnie Caldwell, there were no funny business allowed when we were on t' Street. We were honest folk, 'appy with a bit of bread and scrape and a glass o' milk stout — for medicinal purposes only, mind you.
Now they come into the Rover's demanding wine and go out eatin' fancy foreign muck like a pack of gobslotches who've never 'eard of a chip butty.
And the way they carry on! Look at that brazen 'ussy Linda Sykes gaddin' about like butter wouldn't melt in 'er mouth and all the while philanderin' with 'er fiance Mike Baldwin's son. As for that cheatin' Martin Platt and that Natalie and Kevin and Sally Webster ...
That's what 'appens when you go out, bold as brass, sellin' Mike Baldwin's seconds underclothes. In our day there were respectable businesses around 'ere offering decent employment: Miami Modes, Gamma Garments, Elliston's Raincoat Factory.
Minnie: Ken Barlow 'ad an affair when twins were young.
Ena: 'E went to the university and it gave 'im ideas. Thought 'e were too good for the likes of us after that.
Minnie: And 'e 'ad a fling with that older woman at the university. She were 33 and 'e were only 21.
Ena: At least the women on this street used to be respectable.
Minnie: Ooh I don't know, Ena. Elsie Tanner were carryin' on with that commercial traveller before she got 'er divorce from Arnold. Then she took a fancy to that detective inspector, there were Bill Gregory after that, then the bookie Dave Smith, Len Fairclough —
Ena: Elsie Tanner and Len Fairclough 'ad a 'daytime trial marriage.' They weren't livin' over the brush like Roy and that unnatural creature Hayley. Callin' themselves married.
Minnie: And then Elsie 'ad that Laurie Frazer at the Orinoco Club; the art teacher who went barmy and 'eld 'er at gunpoint; the telephone engineer; Stever Tanner 'er Yankee dreamboat; Alan 'oward; that taxi driver —
Ena: Minnie Caldwell, is there owt 'll stop your brabblin'? Elsie Tanner may 'ave been a scrubber, as some might call it, but the Tanners weren't a patch on those Battersbys. I thank the Lord I never 'ad to put up with that crew. With their thievin' and loud music. And that lass with a tattoo!
Minnie: Lucille Hewitt 'ad a tattoo. And yourself were reported to noise authorities for excessive harmonium practice, as I recall, not to mention gettin' arrested for shopliftin'.
Ena: That's quite enough from you. The only crimes in our day were perpetrated by Scousers like your lodger Jed Stone. Never trust a Scouser, they've the charm of the devil and twice as crafty. We never had anything to equal the crime on t' Street nowadays. Folks gettin' murdered 'n all.
Minnie: Steve Tanner were murdered. So were Ernest Bishop.
Ena: And there's jailbirds on t' Street, or sons of 'em. That poor young sod Tyrone, thick as a navvy's bootlace, 'e is. And 'e 'd do well to keep away from that Vera Duckworth and 'er braggin': "descended (wrong side of the blanket) from King Edward VII." Blasphemy, that is.
As for that Deirdre, she were that daft, I always knew she'd end up in prison with a face as long as Wigan Pier. Fallin' for that pilot. Leading a double life, 'e were. Nowt as daft as that would've 'appened in our day.
Minnie: Emily Bishop's second 'usband Arnold Swain the petshop man were a bigamist, Ena.
Ena: There were no women on t' Street as could match that Maxine and Debs for daftness. Look at the way Maxine forced that gormless Ashley Peacock to go vegetarian. A vegetarian fella on Coronation St, whoever 'eard of such a thing?
Minnie: Annie and Jack Walker's relative Gordon were a vegetarian. Jack were dead un'appy.
Ena: And as for that scandal with Ashley turning out to be Fred Elliott the butcher's son ...
Minnie: Gordon Clegg turned out to be Betty Turpin's lad, remember?
Ena: No, there's nowt on t' Street but smudgy talk about aphrodizzi-watsits and the like these days. I'll 'ave another milk stout. It's your round, I believe.
Minnie: Mavis and Rita discovered pornography at the shop when they took it over. It were disguised as the Pig Producer's Weekly. And Ken Barlow's cultural film evening at the Mission turned out to be nudie films. Then there were that time Ernest Bishop were arrested in Spain for photographin' a sex orgy.
Ena: You can't tell me there were ever a scandal to rival young Sarah Louise, pregnant at 13.
Minnie: Bet Lynch were pregnant as a teenager.
Ena: And look what 'appened to 'er. Behind bar every night in those get-ups. Mutton dressed as lamb.
No, in our day, the only scandal were Albert Tatlock mentioning in Rover's company that 'e'd 'ad a piece of floatin' shrapnel removed from 'is behind.
We kept our audience riveted with good, 'olesome disasters such as Ida Barlow goin' under wheels of a bus or a charabanc crash or —
Minnie: There were that unexploded bomb as got dug up in Ogdens' backyard.
Ena: As I were sayin' before I got so rudely interrupted. Disasters such as the train goin' over the viaduct. It buried me alive but I were back in t' snug at Rovers next day.
That's what this programme needs. A good disaster and evacuation to rekindle the old war spirit and less of this 'anky panky or — look there's Mike Baldwin, thinks 'e's cock o' the walk, 'e does, but any day now, well 'e won't have a smile for the cat, not that I've ever been one to scandalmonger — but with everybody be'avin' like Percy Sugden's parrot Randy when it met Mavis Riley's bird 'Arriet that time, well you mark my words, it'll never last.
* Coro Nation, Wednesday December 6, 8:30pm - Mike Hosking hosts a one hour special featuring New Zealand's Coro St fans and the history of the show in Godzone
* Forty Years on the Street, Saturday, December 9, 8pm - the official birthday tribute from the show's makers, Granada
TV: Ena tells why 'It'll never last'
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