Sasha Borissenko: How to coax staff back to the office

COMMENT:

Ahoy partners, human resource professionals, and managers alike! Not sure how to coax your worker bees into coming back to the office? Confused by all this talk of "wellbeing"? Well look no further, as here is a helpful email template to use at your discretion:

Kia ora koutou,

We have made it back to alert level 2. It might be a trying time for some but the law stops for no-one.

We are asking that you be so kind as to opt for a voluntary salary reduction. By voluntary, think of it as a Catholic or private school involuntary donation. It will put you in good stead, in the event we have to have redundancies. We have applied for the third instalment of the wage subsidy, the first and second being a success. But our informal and unsubstantiated forecasts are not good, despite having an uptake in work. Whether we have a reduction in revenue, it does not matter. We want you to continue to work all hours of the day, and no, the partnership will not be taking a pay cut. We have nannies and Maseratis to feed.

Working from home

For those hoping to continue to work from home, this is highly discouraged, because we - the powers that be - do not trust you. It is not about the work, it is how you are perceived to be working. If you have managed to jump through the many hoops to work from home, we shall nonetheless try to micromanage you as much as possible, so be sure to check in at the beginning and end of day (6AM and 11.30PM, Monday to Sunday). It is an opportunity to see how you and your "wellbeing" are doing according to the Health and Safety at Work Act. We do not actually care about your imminent occupational health issues or what your home-office looks like: we value autonomy.

A gentle reminder - you will be expected to respond to emails at all hours of the day and during weekends. For those of you who have caregiving responsibilities, we are sympathetic and if there is anything we can do to help at no cost, time or inconvenience, please let us know. But remember, you have made your bed, you have to lie in it.

We shall not be compensating you for overhead-costs as a reminder that you should be working from the office. The quicker you come back to work where we can keep tabs on you, the better. Instead, the overhead costs we have saved are going to be used to fund a plant-based cling-wrap company based in Taranaki. Our sources within government have told us this is the next big thing. We hope to eventually branch out to plant-based zip-lock bags.

Coming back to the office

If you are sick, remember you only have five sick days a year and this policy still stands. If your symptoms could pass for hay fever or a hangover that is okay with us - work hard, play hard, or so the saying goes. Our no-hugging sexual harassment policy still stands, so that is not an issue. But in the event you wish to shake hands, we implore you to wear gloves.

We won't let a little pandemic get in the way of our coveted morning teas and graduate exploitation. It is custom in this office for newbies to provide baking every Friday. Here is a helpful cookie recipe to kick things off (and keep the lads happy, while also ensuring that you feel secure in your job).

Melting moments (and dreams)

250g of a polite, can-do attitude,

1C of crushed antidepressants to keep the anxiety at bay,

2T of Gloria Steinem's tears,

1.5L of cask wine, preferably on sale as the 45k yearly salary isn't cutting it,

60 units of extra work during the average work week, no time in lieu,

20 units of stomaching unprofessional sexist remarks that are just a 'joke',

15 years' worth of the oral contraceptive pill because you wouldn't want to take up maternity leave, it's not a good look.

Combine ingredients. Bake for 30 minutes in a preheated 180 degree Celcius oven knowing full well even the most incredible cookie won't derail your imminent disillusionment.

Welcome back everyone.

Ngā mihi,

Lucia Umbridge I People and Culture Manager, on behalf of John Smith I Managing Partner

Level top floor of overpriced building in AKL CBD, 88 Pleasantville, Private Bag 666.