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Important Clarification
There is some concern about a recent CaseLoad Question: "Does the lawyer-free zone in Vulcan Lane apply to public holidays?"
Regrettably, the full text of the Question became tangled up in what judges refer to as "infelicities of language" and therefore may not have been completely clear.
The Vulcan Lane lawyer-free zone does not apply if a public holiday falls at the weekend, so lawyers are welcome to use Vulcan Lane on those days.
As a further point of clarification those exempt from any central-Auckland lawyer-free zone include lawyers who can satisfy city council monitors they carry proof they are older than 73.
Queen's Counsel wearing traditional patent leather pumps and who can prove they were anointed before 1980 are also exempt, as are all Judges of the Higher Courts whose first names are Simon, Paul, Graham, John, Pam, Steve, Geoff, Lyn or Ailsa.
["What about me?" said a Judge called Tim]
Folks are reminded the general lawyer-free zone applies between 10 am and 9 pm Monday to Friday, except within the conditions above.
Hope no-one has been unduly disadvantaged by this wee glitch.
P*ss-ups Not Boring Says A President
Outstandingly popular Auckland district law society inc (ADLSi) president - Queen's Counsel Brian Keene - has declared war on boring.
In his message to ADLSi's some 2700 members - about 600 of whom don't live in Auckland - Mr Keene says the voluntary society is still relevant.
"You can be relevant but boring," says Mr Keene - a no-nonsense lead-from-the-front bloke who puts his back to the wheel to make the big issues happen.
And according to the society's website, bets are on that "boring" is certainly not what ADLSi will be under his leadership.
Stamping out boring is already well under way as ADLSi prides itself in running law dinners and collegial functions better than anyone else.
"Bl**dy good p*ss-ups," said The Scunner.
Judges To Give Bigger Bang
Recent cuts to the amount of time judges spend sitting in court have confirmed Justice Minister Judith Collins' master plan to do away with crime by Christmas is still firmly on track.
Distracted and hurt by variations on the popular parlour game "Guess Who's Coming To Dinner?" Minister Collins is said by her confidantes to be quietly thrilled by the decision to spend less on court sittings - thus freeing courtrooms to be utilised for new and innovative revenue streams.
In one of his regular late-night calls Our Man At The Bar confided to CaseLoad how Minister Collins is working on a new plan to re-train judges in a range of enterprising, market-led income-earning skills.
"As a devoted advocate of transparency, the Minister has for some time fretted over the public perception that judges sit around in court all day dreaming about cricket, holidays in Tuscany and sampling Asian delicacies.
International research shows this to be true and it is time something was done about it so the Minister has put her hand up," said OMATB.
["Ouch," said the Scunner.]
"As more and more crime and civil squabbles are removed from courtrooms new employment opportunities will open for judges with time on their hands.
Better they be gainfully occupied than walking the streets...
For example, hand-picked judges will be re-trained as consiglieri, security consultants and hospitality executives to work in the Minister's previously-announced network of public/private prison partnerships aimed at providing an enjoyable incarceration niche for wealthy international crime czars," said the source.
"This is but one tool in an expanding box. Of tools.
In these new roles, members of the judiciary will continue to use their previous training and mediation skills to resolve internal disputes over a range of exciting topics such as repetitive prison menus, lavatory paper quality and conjugal visit duration.
As crime disappears in New Zealand and we gain a global reputation as the "go-to" destination for celebrity criminals, this country can once again look forward to being On the Map."
Next time: Some cool new uses for old courtrooms.
Tarting It Up
Following an incident involving a pair of mature lady briefs, that part of the Ladies and Escorts Lounge known as Tarts Bench, is temporarily out-of-bounds to allow redecoration.
Lady briefs will be accommodated in the meantime at Leaners 3 and 4 nearest the lavatories.
Report Names Judicial Slackers
Every year a report is presented to Parliament on behalf of the Judiciary, outlining what they have done, how many trials they have presided over, how many decisions they have made and other general legal stuff of that kind.
These reports - the next one is due about the end of June - are made public in the normal course of transparency ("Hear hear," said Justice Minister Collins).
What is less well known is the existence of a second private and unpublished report compiled by the chief judges of the district court and High court Benches and overseen by the Chief Justice herself.
This report rates the performance of individual judges and whether their handling of the workload delivers value for money.
Not for the first time, details of this tightly-held judicial report card have been leaked to CaseLoad.
"Tread carefully here, laddo," cautioned Our Man At The Bar.
Typical headings under which named judges are privately rated include code names such as Jack the Lad, Wastrel, Time-server, Soak, Numbskull, Only-in-it-for-the-Money, Crawler, B*tch/B*stard from Hell, Gaga, Hangman, Soft Touch and Peeping Tom.
Judges are rated by a five star system. Those who achieve a three star Mediocrity Rating are safe for another year and in line for reward.
Such rewards include elevation to a higher court or getting a foothold on the much-prized all-expenses-paid-by-the-longsuffering-taxpayers global Jaunting Judges Circuit.
"Name names, why don't you," said the Scunner.
"Bring money," said OMATB.
How Shazza Pulled It Off
Always at the head of the queue, roistering legal buccaneer Shazza (a RAM* About Town), raced off with the best answer to last week's question:
"What is the correct response when encountering a confused senior jurist struggling with trouser problems in the Northern Club Dungeon Room?"
"With both hands to the pump I'd give the wench a jolly good seeing-to...Damned if I know why they ever let girls wear breeks...I'm an up-skirt chap myself..." roared Shazza, twanging his galluses.
"Every time a winner," said the Scunner.
[*RAM - recently admitted member of the bar]
A Joyous Jurist Emails
"CaseLoad...legal folk fair leaping with joy over the latest Budget tax perks...It seems all excise duty has been dropped on imports from Tuscany...Holiday homes, shares in racehorses, brothel ownership, fancy women and landscape gardeners no longer need to be declared...plus there are handsome back-dated rebates galore for those in the know..."
Some New Inferior Judges
Gisborne lawyer David Sharp, of Burnard Bull & Co, will sit as a district court judge in Auckland with a jury warrant; Wellington Crown lawyer Stephanie Brigid Edwards will sit with a jury warrant in Palmerston North while Wellington sole practitioner Chris Sygrove will sit in New Plymouth with jury and Family Court warrants.
Justice Ministers Resign, Subpoenaed and Replaced
The Kuwaiti cabinet has accepted the resignation of Minister of Justice, Awqaf and Islamic Affairs Nayef Al-Ajmi; China's Justice Minister Luo Ying-shay is to be subpoenaed for questioning over the execution of a death-row inmate who may have been wrongfully convicted and Armenia's newly appointed Justice Minister Hovhannes Manukyan has met his staff.
None of them is a Justice Minister in New Zealand.
Footnote
As the Auckland writers' festival drew to a close we have yet to hear from any of them if they support a campaign calling on the British government to end restrictions which prevent families and friends sending books, underwear and other essentials to prisoners.