How working parents can create a new normal for their family

There's a lot of apprehension in figuring out the transition of a return to pre-pandemic lives. Photo / 123RF

We met Amir and Ria last spring, just as the pandemic was upending lives, pushing working parents to scramble and ask: How can we possibly navigate so much upheaval with such little support? And how do we create a new normal that works for all of us?

In the ensuing 18+ months, millions of parents around the world endured nonstop waves of challenges and change. Now, at least in parts of North America and Europe, there is hope of a "return to pre-pandemic lives" this fall. But the reality we're returning to looks nothing like what we left. Millions have had to leave the workforce, especially mothers. And companies have a wide range of expectations in how and where the work needs to get done.

The result is a lot of apprehension in figuring out what this next transition holds and, importantly, what we want it to hold, after a year and a half of carefully constructing a new balance and reality.

Most of us were so busy with keeping our heads above water — at home and at work — that we haven't had the opportunity to properly reflect on the good, the bad, the never-want-to-think-about-let-alone-live-it-again. But as you face this next transition, it's important to take the time and create a future that works for you, taking into consideration what you experienced during the pandemic. I recommend creating a map of the past year and a half to guide what your future might include. This exercise allows us to honestly acknowledge which parts are worth keeping and which we want to discard.

What you'll need: a white piece of paper; markers, crayons, pens; photos (whatever you store your pictures on, like your phone); calendar or planner of the past year's events and meetings.

Start with a map

Draw a horizontal line across the middle of your paper as a timeline, and create ticks to mark January 2020 to September 2021. Now, pull out your photos and calendars, and go through them month by month. Allow yourself to go back in time and feel the feelings of that frantic first March. The eerie but calm quiet of the global shutdown — and the discomfort that came along with it. The frustration and fear as the pandemic continued through holidays, birthdays and other events. The unevenness of reopening. The schooling and work challenges. The joyful friend calls. The loss.

Mark the high points and the low points, month by month. As you do, consider three different lenses: routines, rituals and relationships. Routines are the regular events like school pickups or commutes. Rituals are the things we enjoy and attach meaning to, like family video calls and Sunday dinners. Relationships are the most critical ones with a partner, kids, family, friends and yourself, but it can also include professional relationships — a particularly supportive manager on a collaborative work project or a colleague that persists in frustrating exchanges — and any relationships via social media. How did it feel to engage on Instagram or Twitter during this time?

Be as detailed as you want, but this exercise is less about completeness and more of a way to honestly reflect and remember. Add colors, images, doodles, whatever you want; this is your family's map of your experience.

Focus on the meaningful

Circle the highs you want to preserve and put an X next to the lows you want to change.

For the highs, what were unexpected high points? These might have been weekly video calls with family and friends, and feeling more connected than you have in a long time. It might have been forming a support network with a couple of close families. It might have been more personal — finding interests and strengths you hadn't explored before.

On the other side, what was challenging and that you absolutely need to change? For instance, no commute, working from home all the time, zero travel. How do you want to bring that back? If you realized you missed the quiet and ritual of a commute but will be still working from home a couple days a week, can you create a mock commute to the cafe and back before starting work each morning? If you missed time with friends, can you schedule a monthly dinner?

Look forward

Think of the next six months. What's expected to change? At work, at school, in your activities, at home? What is your ideal of what it would look like? How can you advocate for something as close to that as possible? How might the highs you circled be preserved with some modifications?

For example, maybe weekly video calls with family turn into monthly calls. Morning walks before school and work become evening walks. Think about how to preserve the time for regular workouts or how to simplify your home logistics (keeping everyone less scheduled or creating opportunities with more coverage with both parents working from home). Perhaps you'll choose to limit extracurricular activities to only one or two, or choose one that the whole family does together. Maybe you want to keep weekly potlucks with your pandemic pod. Then, start to plan your transition and return with these ideas in mind.

The goal of this exercise is twofold: to drive intentionality in your life choices and to help you feel more in control of your choices over periods of transition. This is not about going back or returning, nor is it about making up for lost time. It's about entering a new chapter. A new phase. We've developed skills and instincts and lessons that our older and wiser selves can use. It's yet another moment of transition. But just as we navigated the wild unknowns of the past year and a half, with the right map, we have what we need to intentionally navigate the next.

Written by: Avni Patel Thompson
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