Do you hate your work colleagues? Here’s what to do

Co-star clash: Kim Cattrall and Sarah Jessica Parker in Sex and the City. Photo / Getty Images

The Sex and the City actress Kim Cattrall has an ongoing public feud with Sarah Jessica Parker, but they will meet again on our TV screens later this month, playing Samantha and Carrie in the spin-off show And Just Like That... Cattrall has made her feelings about SJP clear in recent years (once telling her “you are not my friend” in a message on social media). But Cattrall is now making a cameo appearance in the series two finale.

She is far from the only one having to navigate a relationship with a work colleague she dislikes. In a recent US survey, 90 per cent of workers said they had at least one co-worker who annoyed them and 57 per cent said they had considered quitting, or left their job, because of an irritating colleague.

Another survey, released by consultancy Advanced Workplace Associates, revealed that the typical UK worker is going into the office fewer than 1.5 days a week – the lowest in Europe.

What’s going on? According to studies, top irritations with our co-workers include taking credit for other people’s work, talking over people, oversharing, and arrogant behaviour. Sarah Aviram, author of Remotivation: The Remote Worker’s Ultimate Guide to Life-Changing Fulfilment, says levels of irritability have increased since the Covid pandemic.

According to studies, top irritations with our co-workers include taking credit for other people’s work, talking over people, oversharing and arrogance.

“One big issue is the different communication styles,” she says. “Extroverted colleagues can be ‘too much’, on overdrive because they are delighted to be working in a team again, [while] introverted colleagues, who had got used to asynchronous communication – allowing them to be able to think before answering and not being interrupted – can find it hard to be interacting again.”

What can you do? “It takes a lot of work to make a job change so before you jump ship, educate yourself on giving feedback to the people you work with so you have a chance of improving things,” says Sue Ingram, founder of Converse Well and author of Fire Well: How to Fire Staff So They Thank You.

Here are some safe strategies for working with a colleague you hate.

Take time and space to deal with your irritations

If someone is getting on your nerves, it’s best not to confront them when you’re irritated and certainly not with an audience in an open-plan office, says Aviram. “It’s also not good to scream ‘That was my idea’ across the boardroom table. It makes you look bad, not them.”

Allow yourself to calm down, then ask for a formal meeting in a private space. Say, ‘I’d love to address something with you when you have a few minutes,’ so you have the time and space to address it properly without risking a screaming match in the corridor.

Be specific about irritating behaviour, then ask, don’t accuse

Remember that if a colleague is irritating you, you may be irritating them. Someone has to break the cycle. Photo / 123RF

Once you have them in a quiet, private space, try the “SBI” technique, says Aviram. This stands for Situation, Behaviour and Impact. “Name the specific situation where it happened. Then state the behaviour you witnessed. For example, ‘You didn’t mention in the meeting that I had co-created the presentation with you.’ Then try to seek clarification and give them an opportunity to explain their perspective before stating the impact that this had on you.

Always use a neutral tone, says Ingram. Don’t accuse. “Use language like: ‘I notice’, ‘I’m beginning to think’, ‘I perceive’, ‘I suspect…’ ‘I have a concern that when you play on your phone/when you talk over me, it impacts my deadlines/mood/motivation.’ And then ask a question: ‘Is everything OK with you?’ Keep focused on specific, nameable behaviours and open up an honest conversation.”

Find something you respect about the person so you can change your inner script

“Try this for two weeks,” advises Ingram. You can’t change another person, but you can change your reaction to them. “If we give feedback with irritation front and centre, it can make us spiteful.”

You should remember that, if a colleague is irritating you, you may be irritating them. Someone has to break the cycle. If you change the dynamic by being friendly and helpful, the other person will react differently and the dynamic changes.

Be kind and get external help

What if your colleague smells? Or has a habit you find stomach-churning? “If someone is struggling with personal hygiene, this can often be a symptom of depression or mental health,” says Ingram. “Before you address this, notice what that person is doing well and give them positive praise so they will be more likely to see you as an ally. Then open up the conversation by asking: ‘How are you, because I noticed x, y and z and I was worried?’”

Have resources to signpost where they can seek help if they do open up. Be kind and supportive.

Set a ‘team contract’

“Agree on some basic rules of engagement with your colleagues while you’re working together, such as: ‘I will be on time’, ‘I will be respectful to you’, ‘We will not eat when we’re on Zoom’,” says Ingram. Set simple boundaries without singling anyone out.

Do a personality test like Myers Briggs or Enneagram

Learning more about personality types will help you understand your communication style – you may be a visionary extrovert with a messy creative mind, which will irritate the life out of a process-type personality. They think you’re a headless chicken, you think they’re a killjoy.

“Educate yourself about what types work best together and acknowledge the value of different communication styles and ask how you can work effectively together,” says Ingram.

Seek more fulfilment at work

If all of these techniques do not work, maybe it’s you. “Often, people are just in the wrong role, or their priorities or motivations have shifted,” says Aviram.

Try this: imagine a graph with two axes – one axis is how enjoyable a task is and the other is how much impact it has. Ideally, you want to be doing tasks that create the biggest impact which you enjoy. If you are bored collating reports that no one reads, you’re probably experiencing a lot of frustration and taking it out on your colleagues.

Take a step back and look at how you can do things differently. “When you love your job, you’ll be a lot less irritated by your colleagues,” she says.

Bossing it

What if the colleague you can’t stand is your boss?

If you don’t plan to leave your job, try to squeeze as much from your current role as you can – look for ways to fast-track your professional development, build relationships in other departments, shift your attention away from negative feelings and ask yourself, ‘What can I get out of this?’ says Aviram.

Don’t constantly go to your boss with complaints about your colleagues

Let your boss know if another colleague has presented your idea as theirs, but tell them you will sort it out yourself with your colleague. You are asking for your boss’s support, but not whinging. You are showing yourself to be a positive, solution-focused individual, says Ingram.

Don’t fall into a child-parent dynamic with your boss

Beware childhood dynamics that can be triggered by authority figures, where you or colleagues can be the sulky/whiny child to the “parent boss”. For healthy dynamics, aim for adult-to-adult relationships where you can work towards a common objective in a grown-up way.