Matt Heath: Why I'm in love with Donald Trump

He’ll kill us all if he takes office — but he’s so much fun to watch.

Most New Zealanders I know care more about American politics than Kiwi politics. We find it hard to get juiced up about flag changes and TPP protests. Instead we spend our days checking the Herald, Politico, CNN and Huff Po Appa for updates on Donald Trump.

Kiwi politics may affect us directly but it's nowhere near as exciting. Sure we have the odd flying pink dildo, a radio station asking the PM if he trims his downstairs and pony tail pull.

Once I accidentally spilt a glass of wine on Helen Clark's shoe at the Kiwi FM launch. That was pretty exciting. But generally our politics doesn't have the glitz and glamour of the US. Over there it's a terrifying festival of colour and sound. They have flash signs, packed stadiums and clearly defined good guys and bad guys.

Unfortunately this presidential election doesn't feature a standout history-changing hero like Obama. Sanders is too old, Cruz is too crazy and Hillary annoyed me too much when she ran against Barack.

What this primary season does have is a massive, orange-faced douche bag. An abusive, dishonest blow-hard with a fat head. A revolting pig of a man that I can't help but kind of like. Sure, logic suggests we should hate Trump.

He's a pouty-lipped liar but there is something about the guy. He's funny, has great one-liners, he's energised. He's wildly popular, he has a cool helicopter and he spews up interesting sound bites 10 times a day.

Admittedly he will kill us all if he gets his finger on the button. There's no doubt he'll throw a shitty and nuke someone six months into his presidency. But until then Trump-watching is a lot of fun.

Take the time to sit through one of his victory speeches. Pretty bloody engaging. Crazy nuggets of news just flow from the man every time he stumps. You get swept along for the ride until you remember it's mainly a bunch of hate-fuelled bollocks.

Part of the enjoyment of Trump comes from watching the Republicans getting what they deserve. All this Donald-related craziness that they can't control is a direct result of the braindead evangelical anti-government slogans they have been spouting for decades.

Now with Trump at the helm the Republicans are a conservative party pushing anarchy. Pretty ironic, really.

Trump defies conventional election rules. Politicians used to get in trouble for making up stuff. Trump's trick is to blast out so many stupid things a day no one has time to deal with each statement individually.

Recently he claimed "Trump Winery is the largest winery on the East Coast. I own it 100 per cent. No mortgage. No debt ... We make the finest wine. As good a wine as ... anywhere in the world." (March 8 in Jupiter, Fla.)

Trump Winery is not the largest vineyard on the East Coast, and is owned by an Eric Trump who has no affiliation with Donald J. Trump. Plus it hasn't won any awards. That would be humiliating for every other politician.

But with Trump no one cares. Since then he has claimed he doesn't take donations when there is a big blue donate button on his website, threatened Bernie Sanders, gone on and on about the size of his downstairs, waved steaks around and stated he's "winning every poll with the Hispanics" when he's losing all of them.

It's craziness. Very entertaining craziness.

We all know it's hugely important to zone into your own country's politics. You owe it to your children to be across the issues that will affect them in the future.

The flag, the TPP, local body sewage decisions. Sadly for most of us it's all too boring to bother with. So what choice do we have but to obsess over a stupid-haired, boiling kettle of a man who we wouldn't vote for even if we could.

It's a great time to be a fan of US politics. Until the H bombs are launched anyway.

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