Brooke force-feeds fatphobic groom Chris some humble pie. Photo / Nine AU
A fatphobic MAFS groom is force-fed humble pie. But is it more embarrassing than the moment a guy gets diarrhoea on his honeymoon? James Weir recaps.
A fatphobic Married At First Sight groom whose turn-offs include “short, overweight blonde girls with orange hands” is matched with a supermodel on Wednesday night – and she … promptly rejects him.
Ah. Poetic justice.
Karma might not be real, but MAFS producers certainly are.
As enjoyable as it is watching the fatphobic groom get force-fed some humble pie, we’re left disappointed when producers choose not to pursue a far more complex and nuanced storyline. This plot, hinted at but then abandoned, involves a groom getting diarrhoea on his honeymoon while staying in an open-plan cabin where the only thing separating the toilet from the bed is a threadbare curtain on a rod.
Oh boy. Tonight’s nightmare is proudly brought to you by Glade.
“I’ve got a … tummy ache,” groans Steven as he arrives at the accommodation with new wife Rachel. “It’s a bit of a concern. It’s really bad timing.”
Rachel’s eyes dart from the bed to the nearby toilet.
“Definitely not soundproof,” she concludes.
The decision to install a curtain instead of a door spikes Steven’s anxiety and his stomach begins gurgling even more.
“The bathroom is … not really private. It’s not so much the view that’s the issue but the … sound. We’re all human and we make sounds. And it’s early in the relationship. I don’t want Rachel hearing my bowel movements.”
But then, in an uncharacteristically sympathetic act, the producers decide to leave Steven alone and not check back in with him. They don’t even hide a secret GoPro in the bathroom to catch the humiliating debacle. How does it end? You can’t introduce such a compelling plot and then ditch it. We’re already deeply invested!
It’s the ultimate betrayal. Australia is left guessing over the MAFS diarrhoea drama.
Just like 10 News+, at news.com.au the truth comes first. So we submitted a comprehensive list of questions to Channel 9 and production house Endemol Shine Australia in order to get to the, er … bottom of it. If I have to personally file a Freedom Of Information request about Steven’s bowel movements, I will.
We’ll be waiting with bated breath (and scrunched noses) to see if Steven and Rachel will now be taking over the Metamucil ambassadorship contract that was previously held by MAFS alum Cam and Jules.
Speaking of things that should be flushed down a toilet: please welcome Chris!
He’s an overly opinionated tradie who has come on Married At First Sight purely to troll Australia with abrasive remarks about hot-button issues, presumably in the hope of launching a brocast.
His turn-offs? “Fake tan, needy and fat people.
“If I turn around and see a short, overweight blonde girl with fake tan, and caked-on little pink cheeks, and orange hands … I’m gone,” he says.
It seems appropriate to note Chris has an involuntary habit of punctuating these edgy observations with inhaled snorting sounds that resemble a pig.
Chris talks a lot about all the types of chicks he’s not into. But – and here’s a crazy thought – what if his match isn’t into him?
“What? If … if SHE doesn’t like MY physical looks? Pffft. Please.”
It’s a classic MAFS set-up and we know exactly where things are heading.
The gal he’s paired with?
“My name’s Brooke and I’m a model,” purrs the sun-kissed Gold Coast gal, who looks like she has jumped off the pages of a Seafolly commercial and on to our TV screens.
On the wedding day, she strides her long legs down the aisle and arrives at the altar, towering over her groom.
Despite Chris’ claims of being 6ft tall, he appears to have left a few centimetres at home.
“Where are the inches?” Brooke remarks, looking him up and down.
Chris puffs out his chest and tries to ignore the dig by channelling his bad attitude into his vows.
“I’m pretty sceptical about this whole experiment. Statistically, the numbers don’t look great. At times I feel the experts got their degree from a cereal box,” he scoffs at his bride. “Let’s try and be the 0.00001% that works from this experiment.”
Chris seems to be committed to his “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” dating strategy. Is it working on you, Brooke?
“Like … what are you doing here?” she cringes.
When the wedding celebrant trumpets that the moment has come for the first kiss, Brooke declines – rejecting the smooch. Instead, she offers a quick hug.
Chris’ mates are fuming.
“She’s taking the piss, right?” one bloke grunts.
They all can’t believe that Brooke isn’t falling head over heels for Chris’ rude behaviour.
Despite shrugging it off and insisting he doesn’t care, Chris secretly vents to a producer and doesn’t seem to realise there’s a cameraman hiding in a nearby shrub.
“Like, at least kiss me on the f*****’ wedding stand,” he spews. “I’m sure she’s kissed f*****’ that many people. It just annoys me – I have to work for it. I f*****’ hate workin’ for it.”
Turns out, Brooke’s standards are high. Higher than the 6 feet that Chris claims to be. But at the reception, everyone insists to her that he’s actually a great guy (y’know, as long as you weigh less than 70kg). So Brooke decides to give him a chance. She’s got nothing to lose. And she has already cut him down to size – which means he’s now, at best, 4 foot tall.
The only thing more embarrassing than a fatphobic tradie getting rejected by a supermodel? Thinking you’ve just had amazing sex with your new husband, only for him to tell you it was terrible. That’s what’s goin’ on in Fiji when we bust into Bec and Danny’s honeymoon cabana following their wedding tonight.
“I saw Daniel’s anaconda … it did not disappoint!” Bec giggles. “Good shower, good sleep, good shag. Imagine not having sexual chemistry with your husband!”
Cue the disappointment in five, four, three, two …
“With sexual chemistry it’s either there or it’s not,” Danny hesitantly sighs to us. “It’s sorta just … not there.”
He’s outside on the beach, isolating. Being in the villa with his new wife comes with too much pressure and too many expectations – feeling as if he has to match the affection and playfulness when he really doesn’t want to. Danny and his anaconda have recoiled.
“I am attracted to Bec. But I’m here to find love … and I’m just concerned there’s not enough chemistry between me and Bec for it to be that,” he says.
As the hours pass, a knot forms in Bec’s stomach as she realises her husband seems to be avoiding her. Her fears are realised when he tells her they’re probably just good mates.
“I feel unattractive. It makes me feel … ugly!” Bec sobs.
Ouch. We really don’t know what to say to make you feel better, Bec.
… At least you didn’t get diarrhoea in the open-plan honeymoon suite?
Married At First Sight Australia screens tonight, then Sundays-Wednesdays from February 15 on Three and Three Now.
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