Who would pair this innocent young boy with this gnarled old woman?
A Trump-supporting groom who despises feminism joins MAFS. Cue the inflammatory and offensive remarks. James Weir recaps.
A Trump-supporting Married At First Sight groom denounces “super overweight” women with green hair on Monday night before declaring woke people “aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed” – which is rich coming from a man who repeatedly pronounces the word “definitely” as “def-a-lee”.
Two new couples enter the experiment, which means we’re subjected to more tedious wedding ceremonies. Producers brand new groom Tyson as “regimented”, which is just a polite way of saying he’s insufferable.
Aged 30, he’s a divorcee who dumped his wife because she left dishes in the kitchen sink. Now, he’s looking for love again. Preferably with a woman who owns a dishwasher. Someone get the Fisher & Paykel marketing team on the phone – we’ve got an exquisite commercial opportunity for product integration.
Tyson has a list: No woke feminists. No one who’s “super overweight”. And def-a-lee no one with green hair.
Clearly, this guy has PTSD from brat summer.
“I want submissive vibes,” he says repeatedly, and we hate that we can predict what his favourite category is on Pornhub.
The good news? Producers have found him a match. A blonde Trump supporter named Stephanie who opens her audition tape by yelling, “Don’t come at me with ya woke shit!”
Every bin has a lid.
Stephanie walks down the aisle, and Tyson’s already scanning for red flags.
“I did get woke vibes,” he mutters.
His military training has equipped him with the highly advanced skill of detecting wokeness.
His other complaint? She’s 32 and he’s 30. A two-year age gap. Disgusting.
“I asked for someone younger,” he pouts.
He wanted submissive vibes and instead got someone who can legally rent a car. Looks like producers are gonna need to install grab rails and non-slip rubber mats in their shower.
Then come the vows. Most grooms say something about love and commitment. Tyson?
“If the person across from me today embraces woke culture, we’ll have a problem.”
Nothing says romance like a pre-emptive threat.
When it’s time for the kiss, it leads to more feedback.
“She came across as frigid,” he grunts.
He then learns she’s a real estate agent and immediately diagnoses the issue: “Boss bitch vibes. She’s giving me masculinity, and I don’t need more masculine energy.”
A woman with a career and opinions! Is that even legal?
“She’s single for a reason,” he huffs.
Yes, Tyson. She def-a-lee is.
As if one intolerable new groom isn’t enough, producers gift us another.
At the second intruder wedding, we meet Joel. He’s married to … well, we don’t know her name. Because Joel demands our focus be permanently fixed on him.
“When people first meet me, they usually think I’m just loud, obnoxious and immature,” he booms.
After a wild transformation, he has turned himself into a model. But before that?
“I was a fat Uber driver for six years,” he says.
One thing’s for sure: he definitely would’ve been one of those annoying Uber drivers who traps you in his Honda Jazz and talks incessantly despite you making an exaggerated point of putting headphones in and not responding to his monologue.
As he performs his way through the ceremony, it’s clear Joel has spent far too much time rehearsing facial expressions and reactions in the mirror. He exhausts all his energy by relentlessly serving up moments that he hopes the internet will grab on to and put through the meme machine.
“My mother thinks I’m perfect, but I’ve actually got many flaws: Carpet, tiles, wood … you name it, baby,” he says in his vows.
The No 1 problem in modern society is people who mistake being relentlessly “on” for having charisma.
Gia, now the lone mean girl in the group, gives her assessment: “He’s a tool. I feel sorry for this girl walking down the aisle to this weirdo. What a d**khead.”
It seems Gia didn’t learn her lesson after last week’s feral dinner party, where she launched a public attack on her fellow bride. Just 24 hours after being scolded by the experts for her behaviour, she’s at it again – this time, heckling Joel at the reception.
Joel hits back by declaring his ideal woman has “no plastic surgery in the face”.
Gia takes this as a personal insult. It’s a … it’s a … it’s a slap to the (surgically enhanced) face!
“What’s wrong with plastic in the face? We’re from the Gold Coast, we get injections!” she screams across the ballroom.
If Gia’s face wasn’t so frozen, she’d frown.
At least the Gold Coast tourism board now has a new slogan: “Come for injections! There’s also a beach”.
Now it’s time for the formal speeches. Naturally, Joel discusses mouth sewage.
“Every three seconds, I have an urge to clear sewage from my throat,” he declares to his wife.
Then his mum grabs the mic.
“He still likes to lie on my lap and have me scratch his back,” she shares.
And Nicola Peltz thought it was bad when Victoria Beckham dirty danced with Brooklyn at their wedding.
The anonymous bride gets fed up and storms out of her own wedding.
“I’m just a joke maker, ya know?” Joel shrugs.
… Are the jokes in the room with us right now?
Married at First Sight screens Sundays to Wednesdays on Three and Three Now