Labour Party leadership contenders

DAVID MILIBAND

He has a little rabbity tuft of hair going up in front. And if he was a woman you'd say it was a moustache on his upper lip. Intelligent, confident, fluent, popular, and high in the precedence of Labour. He's backed by Peter Mandelson, and Tony Blair is said to be active on his behalf. Full grasp of policy. But he has to win every trick. You can see him trying to find something funny to say. He's constructed, and work isn't complete.

Tory fear factor 5/10

ED MILIBAND

Cuter than David, has younger hair and a more welcoming attitude. He is Gonk to his brother's Geek. Also, wider appeal (he says). Relates well to people (he says). Will bring people back to the party (he says). Proper leaders have other people saying this stuff for them. Depending on what he's saying his mouth balloons on the right. It looks shifty.The idea of either Miliboy managing Labour by himself is a stretch.

Tory fear factor 4/10

ED BALLS

Passionately wants to win, passionately supported by the Tories to do so. Strange, bulging eyes prove that Myxomatosis can jump the species barrier. Has a monotonous thumping voice and wonderful capacity for loathing. He is the Manichean candidate (he's right, everyone else wrong). Relishes power and plots.

Tory fear factor 0/10

DIANE ABBOTT

Rank outsider with Harriet Harman's backing. However, she has heart, humour and public profile. People have seen her on TV, so she's real. She can wallop. She's funny. David Cameron would be least comfortable dealing with her. She may be a bit bonkers on the box but these things can be reined in when the candidate is groomed. She has three months to play herself in. If she became a contender she'd electrify the contest and would make history as the first woman, the first black person to lead it.

Tory fear factor 7/10

ANDY BURNHAM

The mystery candidate. No one knows who he is. Minister of Local Communities, possibly, something like that? Tories defeat him in the noisy House but hate going on TV with him - because they always lose in the quiet and intimate battle. Pleasant, benevolent, well set-up in his background, nice eyes, nobody's first choice, everyone's second?

Tory fear factor 3, maybe 4/10

- Independent