Willy Trolove: Just don't mention the tanks in Tiananmen Square

I know things about China. I know, for example, where it is on a map. It's that large red country between Tibet, Hong Kong, Macau, and Taiwan.

Oh I'm sorry. Those places don't exist anymore. Apparently they are all part of China now. Goodness me. It's difficult keeping track of a world where freedom and democracy are spreading so rapidly.

I know things about China because four years ago I spent some time there and watched a bit of TV. You can learn a lot about a place from its television. In China I watched Central China Television, or CCTV, which has to be the most unsettling name you can give a television network run by a communist government without calling it Big Brother.

Four years ago, our glorious leader was in China with me. Admittedly, I wasn't actually with the Prime Minister, but I was there when she was. Together, we made our separate paths across that giant and baffling country, and tried to make some sense of the place.

She didn't know that I was there, but I knew that she was. Wherever I went she popped up on CCTV, smiling with that lovely warm grimace she has developed to disarm anyone who thinks they know better than she does.

It's fair to say that your average New Zealander doesn't know much about China. Take, for example, a Chinese-made shirt for sale at your local retail emporium. You'd better not, of course. Taking a shirt that's for sale can get you into a lot of trouble. It's better to pay for it first.

When your average New Zealander buys a Chinese-made shirt for $30 less than it can be made here, he doesn't know about China's extensive employment regulations, its strict environmental protections, and its robust intellectual property laws.

Come to think of it, neither do I. In fact, I'm not sure that anyone does, because I'm not sure that China has any of these things. But let's pretend it does. That way, we can wholeheartedly support our government and its trade negotiations.

For those of you who aren't up with the news, our Government is negotiating a free-trade agreement with China. This is broadly equivalent to selling our soul to the devil, so it's important that we get the details right.

Last month our glorious leader went to China again to talk about these details. She travelled around the country and met the Communist Party hierarchy, several of whom weren't in the room when the order was given to send the tanks into Tiananmen Square.

Oh I'm sorry. Did I mention the tanks in Tiananmen Square? Goodness me. I didn't mean to. But it's okay. The ever-thoughtful Chinese will blank these words out so that nobody in China gets upset about them.

The Chinese are easily upset. They are, you might say, fragile. This isn't surprising, given that their country is named after a collection of fine crockery.

Our trade negotiations with China are fragile, too. We have to go through all sorts of procedures to prove we are a small, open and easily-manipulated market economy and that we, a modern liberal democracy which respects human rights, upholds personal freedoms, and wants to export all of its manufacturing jobs to China.

Free trade is a great idea but it's not easy reaching an agreement. We have to convince the Chinese to reduce their tariffs on our primary produce, because they want a free trade agreement which leaves these tariffs in place.

That's right. The Chinese want a free trade agreement without free trade. And who can blame them? Soon they'll want free speech without free speech and a free press without a free press. Why should we stand in their way? What China does in its own country is none of our business, just so long as they buy lots and lots of our milk.

If only all free trade agreements were this straightforward.

There is, of course, a small price to pay. In return for being the first and most progressive liberal democracy in the world to sign a free trade agreement with China, all we have to do is not mention the tanks in Tiananmen Square. Oh, and turn a blind eye to China's human rights abuses. And forget about the Chinese annexation of Tibet. And not offer any support to the free people of democratic Taiwan when China threatens to bomb them into submission.

Quite clearly it's the kind of bargain that doesn't come around very often.

And who knows where it will lead? If everything goes well and if we keep saying the right things, maybe one day New Zealand will be a part of China, too.