Jim Hopkins: Just what the nation needs

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's (Fanfare and Echo) Baublesmannnnnnnnnn!!! Yes, wherever danger lurks and and deadly Beryls stalk the night, there you will find the mighty Man of Steal.

Born on the planet Perkton (and still often found in outer space) our cApec'd crusader possesses every superpower a shabby coalition could desire. Stronger than a pudding, the fearless (Fanfare and Echo) Baublesman can offend entire nations with a phrase, leap both ways in a single bound and break promises with his bare mouth!!!!!!

What a guy!! What a hero!!!!! Nothing can touch him. Or nothing on earth, anyway. His one weakness is Perktonite, the mysterious mineral found only on the far-off planet of his birth. Stick a bit of Perktonite down his tights and this mighty superhero immediately goes all pink and Ministerial. Thank heavens his arch-enemies had some on hand when they needed it most!!

In our last episode, (Fanfare and Echo) Baublesman was heroically struggling to keep his own colleagues in line. But now he's needed elsewhere. A plaintive cry of "Help!" (inaudible to all but him) is evidence enough. The nation needs him! Sensing imminent danger (not to mention an opportunity for First Class travel) our hero is up, up and away at the speed of lightweight. Now read on ...

Zooming low over the South China Sea, (Fanfare and Echo) Baublesman scanned the far horizon with his X Box vision, in search of his destination.

"Ah ha! That must be it," his superlarynx murmured, "they're all driving badly."

Confident he'd found Korea, the Man of Steal zoomed earthward, a meteoric blur flashing crimson through the azure sky.

There was a mighty Crash! (and a fearsome Wallop!) as (Fanfare and Echo) Baublesman smashed through the Walls of Protocol, Principle and Prudence before gently landing in front of the astonished Chinese Foreign Minister, Go Bak Hoem.

"Gidday, y'old crime-spreading, drug-smuggling, dole-bludging, bad-driving, house-snatching Triadaddy," grinned (Fanfare and Echo) Baublesman."How's it goin'?"

"Good," gasped the even more astonished Chinese Foreign Minister, "but even better now you here, Mr Baublesman. What do you want, mighty superhero?"

"I'm glad you asked," beamed New Zealand's proud ambassador. "See, Helen offered me this part time job - she reckoned it involved sex and travel - and I said, 'Sure, babe! glad to help.' And now I'm Minister of Foreign Affairs! Cool, ay?

"Yeah, it is," he continued. "My country's very lucky. Which leads me to why I'm here, Go Bak, baby. I'm here to tell you guys you should be sending a whole lot more big-spending, course-cramming, pots-of-dosh, don't-fit-in students over to fabulously friendly New Zillun. Whadda ya reckon?"

The Chinese Foreign Minister smiled politely. "We send more young people to friendly New Zealand?"

"Yup," beamed the Man of Steal, giving his new chum a hearty slap on the back.

"So that means you staying here?" asked Go Bak Hoem, politely.

"Watch it, sunshine," snarled (Fanfare and Echo) Baublesman , clenching his fist so tightly the whisky glass shattered. "Any more of that and I'll be investigating your links with Saddam, dig???"

"All right," replied the chastened Chinese. "We consider proposal. Meanwhile, what you say about Free Trade Agreement?"

"I'm against it!" bellowed our cApec'd crusader. "And I'm allowed to be! Not that it matters 'cos I don't do Free Trade... "

"Ah! How about better relations with US imperialists, maybe with assistance from Australia?"

"Yeah, I do that. But not officially."

"Okay. So...officially, you do protection for foreign students?"

"No!!"

"Improved regulations to safeguard student investments if school fails?"

"No. I don't do that either."

"Okay, maybe you do International Agreements, Conventions, Protocols, multi-lateral negotiations about your SAS?

"Hell, no. None of that! Far too boring!!"

The Chinese Foreign Minister stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Then what you do do?"

"Ummm ... photographs. They're good!" chuckled (Fanfare and Echo) Baublesman, gripping his counterpart's shoulders in a manly fashion. "Let's get one now. Show the folks at home what I'm doing."

"Ah, Mr Baublesman," sighed Go Bak Hoem, "we Chinese have much to learn about democracy."

"And I'd love to teach you," quipped the Man of Steal, but right now, my super-sensitive, ultrasonic Perkton hearing tells me there's a damsel in distress ... somewhere." (Fanfare and Echo) Baublesman turned away, struggling to decipher the faint signal.

"Gadzooks!" he yelled. "It's the Prime Minister. In Dublin. What's she saying ... 'Come quickly, Man of Steal. We need you to spear tackle our opponents', Damnation! If only I could find Andrew Downer. He might be able to help."

The international, interplanetary superhero gave his companion a cheery wave. "Gotta go, Go Bak," he said. "I'll see ya' later, legislator, but right now China can wait. This superhero's got a World Cup to rescue. And if I don't superzoom our Helen to the IRB, they'll all say the bird flew Qantas ..."

"Oh, sorry, Bakky, boy. They told me not to mention bird flu ... "And with a deafening "whoooooosh" and a sonic "booooom", the man from another planet was gone.