Worst hotels in the world

The Hans Brinker Budget Hotel turned its reputation into a marketing campaign. Photo / Supplied

A few years ago, I checked into the cheapest place I could find in Kuching, the capital of Sarawak, on Borneo. It was grungy, as hostels go - I could see that when I stepped inside.

I didn't realise just how grungy, though, until I walked down the hall and noticed a dank, sweet smell that got stronger as I got to the dorm.

I set down my bag, sat on the bed and looked at the sheet. There were small brown stains all over it. Not the large stains normally associated with human beings. Little ones.

That night I turned my light on and saw why: bed bugs. Everywhere I looked, teardrop-shaped insects waddled back and forth. They struggled across the mattress. They scaled the bedposts. They climbed the walls. I'd never seen anything like it. It was macabrely fascinating.

Bad hotels are the bane of the traveller, especially the traveller with no money, which is why online reviews teem with tips on places to avoid.

At least one hostel has taken the attitude that, if you can't beat 'em, keep their expectation low.

That's the apparent motto of the Hans Brinker Budget Hotel in Amsterdam, which launched a clever ad campaign in the 1990s geared towards keeping complaints to a minimum.

It declared itself the "Worst Hotel in the World", and it plastered the city with ads showing just how dirty, unfriendly and inconvenient it was. Now those ads have been collected in a book of the same name.

The campaign seems to have worked, sort of, judging by the online comments about the Brinker:

"Not as bad as the reviews state."

"As bad as the reviews say."

"The worst place I have ever stayed in nearly 20 years of travelling."

"Super hostel!"

"Unless you want bed bugs, don't stay here!"

"How could you not like this place?!"

"So bad it's great!"

"Hurray for Hans Brinker!"

"You get what you pay for."

But as I paged through the book, my mind started running over oddly fond memories of bad hotels where I've stayed, complete with all the elements that don't make for a good stay, but which do make for a good story.

In New Zealand, back when my wife and I travelled around for a few months, we would page through hostel comment books looking for places down the road, but usually ended up reading as much for entertainment as anything:

"Whatever you do, DON'T stay at Trekker's (unless you want to be eaten alive by BED BUGS - 122 bites to be precise.) It's a filthy place."

Another person said: "Wouldn't let my dog stay there."

This rang somewhat true, since we had stayed at Trekker's and had got a few bites ourselves. But there is one place I thought of instantly when I saw that the Worst Hotel in the World book was coming out.

Judging from the reviews, the Hans Brinker Budget hotel is bad. It might even be terrible. But could it really be worse than this hostel in Rotorua?

"Watson's Farm Stay: What can I say? I'm stuck for words. How about, 'Shithole' - cockroaches in the fridge, cupboards, cooker, etc. Stale bread and food. Miles from anywhere. Cat had kittens under the table during tea, whilst the other blew chunks on the fireplace. It was still there 24 hours later. Bucket for pig swill next to sink. Beds moved themselves around due to the amount of bugs and fleas in them. Caught ringworm, crabs and lice just from breathing. Rusty old cars, tractors and wagons fill the car park. Toilet had shit stains longer than my leg. Never heard of computers (email), bleach, air freshener or any other cleaning agent. AVOID this place unless you like living in the 1700s."

Maybe there are worse places out there. But there's only one that has turned bedbugs into bucks: Amsterdam's Hans Brinker.