HIT
I was at the end of a whirlwind trip through Europe. I had spent all my money except for the €200 I had in my wallet. I caught my train from Berlin to Frankfurt from where I was to fly back to New Zealand in 36 hours, but left my bloody wallet on the bloody train. I'd booked a room at a hostel but they wouldn't let me stay without paying for it — funny that — and I had no food and the cold was setting in, and I felt like the little match girl. I was sitting in a random carpark, feeling sorry for myself, reasoning that all I needed was €50 to survive. The travel gods must've been smiling on me because I looked down and there was a crumpled €50 note on the bloody ground about 2m away. I could not believe it. I went and bought my train ticket to the airport and spent the rest of the money on traditional waffles, visited a shoe museum, danced at a converted factory night club and then had the best night sleep on a Frankfurt airport recliner seat.
MISS
When you travel to India you're supposed to start taking your malaria pills a few days before you arrive. I forgot about this little fact until I was walking from the New Delhi airport to my taxi, where I was promptly bitten by a mosquito. I convinced myself there was nothing to worry about and had a wonderful first week. On the seventh night I went into a strange delirious fever. The experience can best be described as feeling like I was downloading every single thought every single Indian was having. I pulled myself out of the delirium and googled my symptoms. I seemed to tick all the malaria boxes and found out that malaria has a one week incubation period. What?! I didn't get a chance to go to the doctors because we were in a tiny rural village at this point. The next three days were absolute hell, wishing a local black viper would put me out of my misery. And then suddenly, after three days, I was fine! Umm, what? I was walking around on sunshine. And then, after another three days, it hit again! Turns out malaria is a shift worker. Working three days, then chilling for three days, in an endless cycle.
• Kiwi comedian Tom Sainsbury has two shows at the NZ International Comedy Festival, Self Helped and Giggly Gerties, from April 27 in Auckland and May 15 in Wellington.
