Synchronised slimmers

By KAY O'SULLIVAN

No one mentioned poles or swinging from the treetops when a trip to the Golden Door Health Retreat was suggested. Or perhaps they did and I was too fixated on the promise of massages and facials and being cosseted in the Queensland sun.

So how I ended up sitting on a pole 15m above terra firma determined to fling my precious body into the wide blue yonder is something of a journey.

I had been warned that there would be activity but I envisaged a couple of gentle laps of the 20m pool and a stroll through the rainforest. Just the thing to pep me up after all the pampering I was keenly anticipating.

Although coffee, tea, alcohol and tobacco are forbidden, as well as noise creators like radios, walkmans and mobile phones such bans didn't worry me.

The prospect of being out of reach was a big attraction. The ban of grog or fags wasn't a problem. Gave the fags up long ago and one chardonnay a week hardly counts. But caffeine? That was different but really, I figured, how bad can a withdrawal headache be when you only have one latte a day?

The answer is pretty damn bad. Forget verdant hills, crystal air, Queensland sunshine, meals being prepared, forget soothing massage and facials - all of that counts for zilch when you crave caffeine.

Once I had established beyond doubt that interminable brews of so-called tea and coffee substitutes weren't worth the effort of pouring water into a cup I fixed the problem by swallowing a couple of (banned substances) Nurofen which I had surreptitiously packed for just such an emergency.

Caffeine, I was to learn, is just one of my poisons. My body is propped up by all manner of other crutches like sugar, salt, preservatives, meat, yeast - the list goes on and none of them is found on the menu at the resort. It's de-tox or die. About mid-way through my first 24 hours, the latter seemed preferable.

In my de-tox fug, I found fault with everything but the essence of my bile was directed at the programme.

Guests - about 40, most of whom were in the 40-plus age category - are encouraged to do as much as physically possible. Activities, games, treatments and exercises classes are scheduled on the hour every hour from dawn to dusk.

The facts are spelled out. You will get most out of your holiday by doing as much as you can.

Participation and a growing group dynamic are essential to the programme and individual success. Still, to be fair there is no great pressure or dire threats about what will happen if you opt out and sit by yourself for the week.

If you are the determined to pike, and I was the first morning, you retreat to your cabin or sit by the pool. No one, we were advised, would bother us.

The staff see it week after week. The grumps, the sulks and pursed lips predominate and then as the group dynamic, the fresh air, the laughter, the lack of routine, the holiday spirit start to work their magic, the attitudes and expressions shift.

By Tuesday the fug had cleared. I bounced out of bed in the pre-dawn long before the 6 am wake-up call. It just got better.

On Wednesday I found myself saying things like: "Don't you love the way organic greens taste and yes, I would love some more chamomile please."

A game of water volleyball? "Yeah, sure, love to."

I didn't intend to try every class, but after a while it did seem a shame not to at least try.

So by the time "The Leap of Faith" was scheduled I was game for anything especially after dancing wildly in the noonday sun with a group of strangers.

Or so it seemed when I was on the ground. The view from the top of a tall pole is another matter. By the time I reached the top, my breath was coming short and sharp, exactly the opposite of how I was taught.

The panic was so real I could almost taste it. And for once it wasn't the beans, that appear in so many guises on the menu, working their (ahem) magic.

It helped not a bit that I knew that thousands had gone before me and lived to tell the tale. It didn't matter that I understand the machinations of the Leap of Faith and that it was a metaphor for life. That the climb represented my past, the platform my present and the leap was my way into my future.

The problem was that the thought of climbing down from the pole seemed even scarier than the leap. One deep breath and I leapt. Although leap is far too positive a word for what was captured on video and played back to the group later that night as entertainment. It was more a small tentative step than a giant leap. I floated to earth in the harness both shaken and stirred. The howls of laughter that greeted my performance did nothing to take the shine off it.

Back home a couple of weeks, the glow of health is proving to be more resilient than a Queensland tan.

Without exception everyone in the group looked different. Not necessarily thinner, although everyone reported they had lost centimetres. Weight is a dirty word at Golden Door, almost in the same category as nicotine. It is more that you look lighter, the whites of eyes are Persil white.

The food is touted as gourmet vegetarian. This means lots of greens, fruits, the odd piece of fish washed down with litres and litres of filtered water. Sugar, salt, meat and preservatives and all other delicious nasties are also conspicuous by their absence. . Most of it is utterly delicious - truly - but unfortunately there is no disguising the effect of all that roughage.

While the resort's reputation has been based on the external with the emphasis on the pampering, the real benefits are internal.

And I'm not just talking about the beans. I never laughed so much in my life. Without fail, everyone said the same thing. It was like being a kid again and isn't that what holidays are about?

Casenotes

GETTING THERE: The 86ha Golden Door Health Retreat is an hour from Brisbane airport. Courtesy pick-up and drop-off is included in the package which starts at $A1960 ($2437).

PACKAGES: Five-day programmes include health and fitness assessment, three massages and a facial, full board and use of all facilities. Treatments such as acupuncture, Chinese medicine, naturopathic consultation and psychology cost extra.

CONTACT: Golden Door Health Retreat, 400 Ruffles Rd, Willow Vales, Queensland. Ph (00617) 55466855, fax (00617) 55466173, Golden Door