Staycation: Curious Catlins

Photo / James Russell

"You boys wanna stop for a nice latte?" General sniggering all 'round from the Southland lads, parried with some equally juvenile reference, no doubt, from the Auckland boys. Some things never change. A full twenty years from when we'd arrived, blinking, into the freedom of a tour of duty at Otago University, and discovered, further south, the wilderness and desolate wonder of the Catlins coast, we had come back to see if everything was still the same.
We used to drive the three hours south from Dunedin to Porpoise Bay with hangovers, chewing on pies, in battered 60s Holdens. Beer, beans, bread, smokes and a sleeping bag was all we needed in those days, but these, nearing forty, we like to do it in style. Curio Bay Beach House ($220 a night, beachfront - there's little else down here), wood burning stove, beds, hot showers, sheets and duvets. Some things indeed do change. Some of the boys had even stopped at Emerson's brewery on route to picking us up from the airport (note: evening flights from Auckland to Dunedin serve cheese and wine, just like the old days).
But we sound like alcoholics; we're not: our mission in life is to fit surfing around careers, children, patient wives. Our boards have thickened with our middles; more foam is needed to keep us afloat.
There must come a point in a surfing life when you realise your ability has peaked; some of us think it happened on this trip. Eleven degree water and stiffened by extra millimetres of neoprene doesn't help, rigid as we already were from a cold morning's jog down the beach. To go in late May may have been too late to go. We pondered this every time we were pitched headlong with the unforgiving lip of a Southland wave and roiled about under the oily dark, icy water. Even the Hector's dolphins, resident at Porpoise Bay throughout summer, we presumed had already headed north.
Year 'round, however, you see Hooker Sea Lions, and baby seals, like aquatic puppy dogs, swim right up to you. One of the days, soaring above in the intermittent blue, before diving and levelling a foot from the sea, we saw an albatross. Less popular are sightings of the men in grey suits - Great Whites - but none this time, thank Heavens.
The North-Island-general-rule-of-thumb of wild to the west, serene to the east doesn't follow down here. South swells come from Antarctic storms to visit both coasts, and rats' tails of bull kelp thrash the rocks in the white violence. To see, way out on the horizon, monstrous swells marching northward, is a humbling sight.
In recommending the Catlins as a destination, there are precious few things to which even a local could point a visitor unless they really liked beaches (we really like beaches). There are fewer people here than there was 100 years ago. An entire side of the main street's shops in Owaka, the 'entrance' town to the region, lies empty - for lease. Curio Bay campground is a South Catlins hub, with a sprinkling of beach cribs, and a tiny campground shop that doesn't open until midday, and only then for an hour or so. I would say the farmer at D's Beach could go months without seeing a soul if he so chose. But what a beach.
As for Southland Hospitality; they certainly have a way about them. You can find a great hangi down here, kia ora to that.
They can show you places you would take months to find, and surfing spots so raw and remote they send a shiver down your spine just looking at them. And they're keen; you've got to be when it's that cold, but it's infectious. We may not have driven down there with a hangover, but we managed to rustle one up for the trip home.
For the surfers: 3-5 foot, offshore all (long) weekend. Crowdless. Perfect.

CATLINS HIGHLIGHTS (other than beaches)
The Lost Gypsy Gallery, Papatowai
Blair Somerville's bus of curiosities, complete madness - an incredible inventor of incredible things. Unmissable.
Purakaunui Falls - A short walk to a gorgeous natural oasis.
Niagara Falls Café/Restaurant and Gallery - good coffee in rural Southland splendour
Accommodation ?Book a bach (or crib, in the local vernacular); googling 'Curio Bay Acommodation' will throw up plenty of options. Alternatively, get yourself a campervan - there are literally hundreds of places perfect for stopping the night.