Rotorua - an all-ages adventure playground. Photo / Supplied
Michael Brown and his family test-drive the 21st century attractions of the North Island's traditional playground
"It's the stinkiest stinky in the whole world," says the 3-year-old as she pinches her nose for dramatic impact.
She tends to do drama quite well, especially during those fetching 3-year-old episodes, but she was right. It was pretty whiffy.
Still, that was why we were in Rotorua. We were a family looking for a few challenges and the Wai-O-Tapu thermal wonderland was certainly challenging our senses.
The Wife and I have been talking lately about how we are starting to get our lives back. The kids are both toilet-trained, can feed themselves (generally speaking) and, crucially, we're starting to enjoy the sorts of things we did as a couple before life changed forever early one November morning in 2008.
Since then, about the most extreme thing we've done is bounce on a trampoline after a few too many wines and leave the baby, a cat and a ball of string together.
Rotorua hasn't enjoyed the best reputation in recent years. It's known as Rotovegas among a certain ironic demographic and is, as the 3-year-old pointed out, stinky. But it's also fabulous.
In this all-ages adventure playground, we were determined to have fun, regardless of whether the 6-year-old was sick or it was raining. (We are good parents, honestly).
Here's our holiday diary.
If you've ever watched a front-loader washing machine and wondered what it would be like to be stuck inside, Zorbing is just the ticket.
Up to three people climb into a plastic sphere tucked inside a larger plastic sphere. It's filled with some water to ensure you slosh around the bottom as the ball hurtles down a hill at up to 50km/h (the washing machine effect) as opposed to be being chucked around like you're in a drier — although you can strap yourself in if you prefer to have your insides thrown around.
There's an age limit of 6, so the 3-year-old missed out, but there was a certain fascination for her in watching oversized marbles roll down a hill.
The 6-year-old: "It was amazing when I went down the hill so fast and it was slidey and bouncy."
Rating: ★★★★★
The 3-year-old: "The spa pool was warm and bubbly."
Rating: N/A
Bet you didn't know: Former England cricketer and general lout Andrew Flintoff holds the world record for the fastest 100m in a Zorb — 26.59 seconds — which he set in 2012 as part of his attempt to break 12 world records in 12 hours for BBC Sport Relief.
I was amazed to discover the Lady Knox Geyser erupted daily at precisely the same time. I mean, most of the women I know are regularly late, if they show up at all.
Deeply intrigued, we turned up a few minutes before she was due to blow to discover a guide tipping washing powder into the spout and, a couple of minutes later, it erupted about 20m into the air. Genius.
The Wai-O-Tapu thermal wonderland was a short distance from the geyser, and a wander around the area provided an interesting and colourful snapshot of the geothermal features of the area - geysers, mudpools, colourful water and, of course, the delicious aroma. Just perfect for the 6-year-old who was feeling a bit green himself.
The 6-year-old: "I felt sick then so I can't really give it a proper score."
Rating: ★★☆☆☆
The 3-year-old: "I liked the green water. But I don't really like green. I like pink. And red."
Rating: ★★★☆☆
We've played trains a lot in our house. We build a rail network, construct a small city and, depending on the attention span, usually end by parking James or Dennis in the railway station. Hours of fun.
Rotorua's Railcruising is a relatively new venture that looks a bit like putting a smartcar on rail tracks. It's a four-seater self-drive hybrid rail vehicle that travels at about 20km/h through the Dansey Scenic Reserve and offers panoramic lake views and a glimpse of farm life.
It provides an informative commentary, which gives some respite from listening to the kids, and is a relaxing way to travel to areas you might not otherwise access.
The 6-year-old: "I had never seen a train like it."
Rating: ★★★☆☆
The 3-year-old: "It was like our train set at home."
Rating: ★★★☆☆
The name of this sounds like something I've often wondered about applying to our two lovely children after a sustained period of whining. It's actually a lot more rewarding and a hell of a lot more fun.
It starts with a relatively tranquil jetboat ride up the Waikato River and through the Tutukau Gorge as you learn more about the river and the region from one of the drivers - did you know Peter Jackson spent a wheelbarrow full of cash to make sure the water was at a precise level so he could shoot a scene from The Hobbit there?
About 45 minutes later, you arrive at a jetty where The Wife and the 3-year-old joined a group exploring a geothermal area. The rest of us journeyed about 200m upriver to a small creek where we tackled The Squeeze. Once there, you jump out and start traipsing up the creek, which is full of deliciously warm water.
The squeeze part of it comes when you navigate a small canyon that requires a bit of sideways swimming. It's tight but even our, ahem, bigger-boned companions could navigate it easily enough. After about 15 minutes you come to a waterfall which, when you sit underneath it, is like a powerful shower. And at the top is a natural spa pool.
The jetboat ride back, in the brilliantly named The Beast, is a step up from the sedate journey upriver with a number of exciting 360-degree turns.
The 6-year-old: "It was amazing doing The Squeeze and the waterfall was sooo cool."
Rating: ★★★★☆
The 3-year-old: "I liked the spinny spins on the boat."
Rating: ★★★☆☆
Watch out for: The Squeeze featured on an episode of The Bachelor, but it's doubtful they came across someone from the nearby nudist colony.
The Redwoods forest, as you might be amazed to discover, is full of Californian redwood trees. It's also home to 130km of mountainbike tracks.
It's brilliant. And it's free. I have always ridden bikes, but about the most extreme riding I have done is tackling Auckland's busy streets. The Redwoods tracks cater for novice riders on balance bikes and trainer wheels right through to the extreme.
The 6-year-old is a pretty good rider so, with the 3-year-old safely planted on a seat on my bike, we were able to tackle some decent tracks. Even the easier ones have enough challenges for adults (twisting turns, uphills, downhills and mini-jumps) to leave The Wife and I feeling invigorated.
We enjoyed it so much we even went back another day despite the fact it was starting to rain.
The 6-year-old: "It was pretty cool doing all the jumps."
Rating: ★★★★☆
The 3-year-old: "I liked it when my bottom came off the seat."
Rating: ★★★☆☆
From the air, this 1.4km hedge maze looks like a crop circle constructed by aliens to confuse us earthlings. From the ground, it's just puzzling.
Unlike the Wanaka variety, which is made of wood and has enough room to shimmy underneath, it's almost impossible to cheat — much to the chagrin of the 6-year-old.
We did it as a family and the thought crossed our mind to leave a trail of breadcrumbs so we could retrace our tracks, but we'd long since eaten the bread and everything else in the snack box.
The 6-year-old: "You had to use your thinking skills to find out how to get through."
Rating: ★★★☆☆
The 3-year-old: "Five, four, three, two, one, blast off."
Rating: ★★★☆☆
We spent nearly five days in Rotorua and felt like we were really only scratching the surface. It's a place you can return to time and again and at different times of the year and one that offers plenty depending on your budget.
The 6-year-old: "You should definitely go there because it's full of action stuff. It's amazing."
The 3-year-old: "It didn't really matter that it was stinky."
And that's the point. Rotorua most definitely does not stink.
IF YOU GO
For details on activities and accommodation in Rotorua, go to RotoruaNZ.com.
The writer travelled with assistance from Destination Rotorua.
The 'Southern Link' will directly connect Aotearoa to Argentina by year's end.