Africa has game lodges, safaris and national parks for, well, Africa, but this is the closest you're getting to Animal Planet live.
The Wilderness Safaris' Hoanib Skeleton Coast Camp is the only one that operates in the area, and because the only way to get there is by plane, you're pretty much alone.
The rules at the camp are simple: Don't walk around by yourself after dark. It's not a dramatic suggestion to add a frisson to the tourist experience; it's a bona fide safety warning and a stark reminder that you are a guest in someone, or, more to the point, something else's home.
A nearby water hole draws everything from hyenas and giraffes to elephants and lions, and you really want to be sure you're just watching the party rather than being served up as a desert dessert.
Game drives with a local guide bump along dried-up riverbeds, and come to a screeching halt at every sign of life.
These are animals that have little or no interaction with humans, there's no reason for them to fear cars — making them safer and more dangerous at the same time.
Approaching them is a delicate operation. If the springboks spot you coming, they're off like lightning.
A lone jackal is slightly slower to flee the scene, and we follow at a distance for several hundred metres before it manages to lose us.
But some creatures are too caught up in their own affairs to pay attention to us.
We come around a hill to find two oryx bulls, surrounded by a herd of about 30 others, standing off in a scene reminiscent of a western shootout.
Our presence is unnoticed as the display of machismo takes precedence — draw!
Five male lions just look quizzical as the 4WD nears their zone, continuing to yawn and stretch in the setting sun once the vehicle stops. We're within just a few metres of one, but Leo clearly isn't bothered.
The next day a herd of about 15 elephants stops our progress on a day trip to the coast.
Alpha, our guide, stops the car, but keeps a hand on the keys — "just in case".
The group of grey giants ambles on, then splits up, the smaller ones clearly being led away and some bigger fellas heading directly for us. It's a great photo opportunity as they come towards us flapping their ears, but Alpha is less excited. He's quickly turning the ignition and backing up.
"They're not happy with us," he tells us.
This is a man who has grown up with elephants, and has what he terms "healthy respect" for their space.
As a teenager, he and a group of friends came out of a river between a mother and its calf by accident.
He watched as a mate was tusked through the chest and kicked into a tree.
"He hit it and his body just went still. The elephants buried him in branches then sort of watched over him.
"We had to wait for a while until they went away before we could take him to a hospital. He was paralysed, but he didn't die, so he was lucky."
Local knowledge is the key to staying in one piece in this part of the African desert.
It's not just a matter of passing on interesting facts — the tour guides here hold your life in their hands.
Their understanding of which snakes are safe and which will blind you with one spit is essential information for traveller enjoyment.
As is their navigation through the riverbeds — no GPS will help you here.
This middle of nowhere clearly has its charms, but without signposts, you'll see it better with a local by your side.
Checklist
GETTING THERE
A three-night trip to Hoanib Skeleton Coast Camp with Adventure World is priced from $3865pp and includes return flights from Windhoek Airport, local drinks, camp activities and park fees.
ONLINE
wilderness-safaris.com
