John and Frank also insist we try some pastizzi (tiny savoury pies) and imqaret (date pastries). Both go down well.
The influences in the food - Italian, French and Arabic - reflect Malta's historic position at the crossroads of the Mediterranean. Driving to Marsaxlokk, Malta's post-World War II British influence is also evident - red phone booths, football teams called Wanderers and Hotspurs, and brightly coloured Leyland buses.
Trotting is a big sport on Malta, and horses and sulkies share the road with old British cars such as Ford Cortinas and Minis.
It feels like we're in an episode of a 1970s BBC cop show, but at Marsaxlokk we rediscover we're in the Mediterranean. The waterfront, against a background of colourful fishing boats, is a riot of fish vendors, fruit and veg sellers, and stalls selling a Euro-tat mix of cheap shoes and even cheaper clothes.
The sales pitches are all delivered in the Malti dialect, sounding like Arabic or Hebrew with an Italian accent, and peppered with English phrases such as "Orwight?" that could came straight from EastEnders.
Malta, a rocky home for 400,000 people, is only a fifth the size of Stewart Island so it's easy for visitors to get acquainted with the whole island.
Taking a horse and carriage around the 16th-century cityscape of Valletta, we're introduced to Maggie, an equine performer which shared the Hollywood limelight with Brad Pitt in Troy and Oliver Reed in Gladiator.
Maggie's human other half, Albert, has also met a few big stars, but reckons some of them are "greedy and rude". He's much happier cajoling Maggie around the fortified ramparts built by the Knights of the Order of St John.
Valletta's main shopping street still feels anchored in its British colonial past, albeit tinged with a Latin influence. It's an odd mix, but Sicily is just 90 minutes away by fast ferry and there are also regular flights from Rome.
Shopfronts straight from the 1930s merge with His Master's Voice signs from the 1950s.
Gelato stands and pastry shops are decades-old neighbours in centuries-old buildings, and narrow lanes have tiny cafes with barely enough room for vintage espresso machines. Alleys are trimmed with overhanging carved windows, flowerboxes and washing hanging out to dry.
But change is coming and we pass an estate agent advertising refurbished three-level townhouses for the equivalent of $2 million.
Next door is The Pub, a tiny bar that has become a shrine to British actor Oliver Reed, who was in Malta in 1999 for the filming of Gladiator. The alcoholic actor's hellraiser past came to an end in The Pub - that's what eight lagers, 12 rums and half a bottle of whisky will do to you.
Reed would have been better off taking it easy across in Gozo, Malta's tiny second island. Our dash to the ferry feels like a scene from The Italian Job. Cut off by a mad Italian in a Mini, we just make it as the last car on.
A jumble of bars, restaurants, and hotels crouch around Mgarr harbour on Gozo, but within a few hundred metres a more laid-back island reveals itself.
Our destination is the quiet village of Ghasri, where the only traffic of any import is a couple of trotters doing lazy laps through the narrow streets.
We're soon rattling around in Villa Veduta, a restored farmhouse. With room for at least eight people it's a place that makes you want to phone friends and family and magic them across for the week.
Each of Gozo's 13 villages has a church that seems out of proportion to the number of houses. Ghasri (population 450) has its own cathedral - but it is dwarfed by others on Gozo. In the nearby village of Xewkija, the church dome is higher than St Paul's Cathedral in London, and is visible from all over the island.
Gozo's stunning coastline is even more impressive than the cavalcade of architecture. On the island's northwest coast, the cliffs at Dwejra morph into the huge natural arch of the Azure Window.
Across the headland is the Inland Sea, a tiny landlocked lagoon just 100m across. A couple of fishermen launch their boats into the morning tide and a chap optimistically sets up his beachwear van. Further along the coast, the waves are higher, and ebb and flow into the geometrically perfect patterns of the saltpans at Marsalforn.
Across the imposing indigo swell, Sicily is less than 60km away, and to the south and west are Libya and Tunisia. On this little-known island in the Med, the normal hustle and bustle of travelling in Europe feels even more distant.
IF YOU GO
The easiest direct route to Malta is via Dubai with Emirates, but it is also worth considering it as a side trip on a visit to Europe as most European airlines fly there. Ferries link Malta and Sicily. Malta is more affordable than many other European destinations, and prices are similar to those in New Zealand.
Brett Atkinson travelled to Malta with assistance from House of Travel.
