The North Star lookout pod cantilevers 90m above the Quantum of the Seas. Photo / Supplied
On a billion-dollar ship, Toby Manhire dodges the conga line and opts instead for several fine ales and a ride on the North Star.
Probably it is better discovered by accident, but I'll tell you anyway. The best deck is deck 2. I arrived there late one night, around 2am, having intended to go for a squiz at the casino on deck 3. I skipped down one stairwell too many, however, and there I was, at the end of a corridor that goes on forever. A blur of people glided about in fast-forward, balancing trays, pushing trolleys, lugging mysterious boxes, emerging from one door, disappearing through another.
Deck 2 is the service deck, full of storage rooms and quarters for the crew. Strictly, passengers aren't meant to venture here, unless they have the misfortune to require the medical centre. But what a thing to behold: the human engine of this mammoth, mind-bogglingly elaborate billion-dollar cruise ship, Quantum of the Seas, as it sailed north from Singapore.
It was some contrast to the near-empty languor of the pool deck 14 levels above. Hours earlier, "Dancing Under the Stars with your Cruise Director's Staff and DJ" had been in full swing, uncowed by the overcast skies above the Strait of Malacca. Around the loungers wobbled a conga line. The New Zealand Herald Travel Editor would probably want me to join that, I thought.
"It's your vacation!" shrilled the DJ. "Love yourself, come on, love yourself! There's only one you!" I did not join the conga line.
In the floodlit pool, night-swimmers danced with their own images reflected on a giant screen. For some that was insufficient documentation, so they photographed themselves, aided by selfie-sticks that poked out of the water like bowsprits.
English is the official language of Quantum of the Seas, but just about everyone seemed fluent in selfie. Selfies by the pool, selfies at the musical trapeze extravaganza, selfies on the dodgems, selfies, naturally, with the robotic bartenders in the Bionic Bar.
One of three new, super-flash Royal Caribbean vessels, Quantum is a megalopolis among cruise ships. It runs 350m from bow to stern, housing 2090 cabins - or staterooms, in the obligatory nomenclature of cruising - which range from the equivalent of a four-star hotel room to the outlandishly opulent Royal Loft Suite.
Almost 1500 crew and 5000 passengers are on board. By my calculations, they take about 35 squillion selfies a day. When the Quantum's sister ship, the Ovation of the Seas, docks in Port Chalmers a few days before Christmas next year on a tour of Australia and New Zealand, it will more than triple the population of the South Island town.
Quantum dispenses with the tradition of one grand, dressed-to-the-nines dining area in favour of four complimentary restaurants plus about a dozen smaller versions, some of which demand a small top-up fee. Millions of heated words have been devoted in online cruise forums to the apparently epochal introduction of this "dynamic dining" concept, but it seemed a pretty sensible idea to me.
And what a lot of eating there was. "On shore the average civilised man, I suppose, confines himself to two or at the most three meals a day," pondered Evelyn Waugh following a Mediterranean cruise in 1929. "On the Stella everybody seemed to eat all the time." No change there.
Drinking is another time-honoured tradition. In the latter part of prohibition, thirsty Americans could board a "cruise to nowhere" or a "weekend whoopee cruise", with ships having no destination except escape from territorial waters, whereupon the bars would burst open. Some had their own breweries on board.
On Quantum I paid homage to those bibulous freedom-fighters by spending a lot of time in Michael's Genuine Pub, where the genuine bartenders wore genuine braces and genuine flat caps. No matter: the beer selection was excellent, and I nursed many an Anchor Steam and Sierra Nevada pale ale. The dryly funny barman lamented that the Asian market doesn't fill the bars like the Americans, Europeans and Australasians, and told me interesting tales about Turkish politics, none of which I can remember.
By cruise standards, this was a stroll around the block: three nights, Singapore to Port Klang in Malaysia, and back again - more or less the distance of New Plymouth to Auckland return. Among the short-termers, however, were a handful of die-hard cruisers, on the final stretch of a "global odyssey" from New York to Shanghai. One, a New Jersey octogenarian, was going up in an elevator, resplendent in a satin gown, cocktail in hand. Later, I wondered if that might be all she did: ride the elevator up and down, sipping a whiskey sour, spinning ocean yarns. Maybe she, too, was an actor, the grown-ups' equivalent of the poor chap in the Shrek suit entertaining children on the pool deck.
This wasn't quite a cruise to nowhere, stopping for most of a day at Port Klang, where coaches waited to take us on a whistlestop tour of Kuala Lumpur.
The vertiginous Petronas Towers provided a contemporary counterpoint to the ancient shrines of the Batu Caves. Or so said the people who went. I chose to stay aboard and make the most of Quantum. And when I say "chose", I mean I slept through the departure time.
What a sleep it was, by the way. For those of us whose finest slumbers have taken place in railway sleepers, stationwagons or infant strollers, this is a soporific paradise.
Just about every nationality seemed to have a presence. I even found a New Zealander, Jeremy "Penguin" Ansley, juggling around the Royal Theatre stage. Another Kiwi, David Reihana, designed the menu for the gastronomic stunt work of Wonderland, a restaurant inspired by both Heston Blumenthal and Lewis Carroll.
"There are 64 nationalities on board," declared the maitre d' at the excellent Jamie's Italian Restaurant. He was from Romania. The Italian menu, created by a Brit, was served to me and my Australian companions by Chinese waiters. Up at the massive Windjammer buffet, meanwhile, countless international cuisines were laid out. As a man of the world, I filled a plate with udon noodles, hot chips and a taco.
Yet, despite the national blend, the Quantum experience felt not so much cosmopolitan as other-worldly, preternatural, or, to use the technical term, trippy. Often I felt I was aboard a floating, dreamlike shopping mall. The only salty air I tasted came from the rim of a cocktail glass.
At one point I donned a jumpsuit and tried RipCord - "the first ever skydiving simulator at sea!" - which entails fluttering, airborne, in a plastic tube above a flue of hot air (photographic evidence of my rubbery cheeks flapping around my ears has been destroyed).
And, at moments, I might have been persuaded the ship itself was a grand simulation, a theme-park trick; especially if I'd been in one of the interior cabins - sorry, staterooms - where, in lieu of natural light, you get a "virtual balcony", an 80-inch screen depicting a "real-time ocean view".
There was something decidedly unreal, too, about Quantum's piece de resistance, the North Star.
We stepped into a pod, which might have been plucked from London's Millennium Eye, and were lifted 90m-high. Over there, to the east, the green hills of Malaysia; to the west, the volcanic folds of Sumatra; directly below, a group of Singaporeans preparing for a poolside wedding.
I was awed, all right, not just by the views, but by the cojones of whomever it was that, in some meeting, suggested the idea: how about spending several million dollars to stick on top of the ship a small, capsule-shaped crow's nest attached to a hinged, mechanical arm, you know, resembling one of those dog's-ball-thrower contraptions?
I was so overcome I could resist no more. I whipped out my phone and took a selfie.
Details: Quantum of the Seas' sister ship, Royal Caribbean's Ovation of the Seas, will first visit Auckland on December 27. She will offer four sailings from Sydney during her summer season starting from December 15. For information, go to royalcaribbean.com.au
The writer travelled courtesy of Royal Caribbean.
Neroli Sail, Senior Travel Consultant at House of Travel - Rangiora, shares her top tips on how to make the most of your Royal Caribbean cruise.
1.Choose your itinerary and cruise ship carefully as there are often unique features available per class of ship such as the new Quantum class of ship which introduces a number of signature innovations.
2. Prior to cruise departure, complete the Cruise Personaliser to check out all options available on your sailing from shore excursions to entertainment, special packages and more.
3. When travelling as a family group, investigate the options offering the best children's entertainment like the DreamWorks characters, My Family Time dining and shows for the whole family.
4.Couples should pre-book at least one of the speciality restaurants during their cruise for a special occasion or simply to enjoy a fine dining experience.
5.Casual resort-style wear is fine for daytime, with evening attire typically spread across 3 options - Casual, Smart Casual and Formal wear. Your itinerary will identify which dress-code applies for each night.
For more information visit houseoftravel.co.nz
Some domestic regional flights have been affected.