Melbourne has a problem: a desperate shortage of New Zealand men. Australia's second city has long been known for its food, arts and shopping - but these are seen, curiously enough, as attractive mainly to women.
Apparently, there are bonding issues between Melbourne and the Kiwi male. Or so the
Victorian tourism people think.
Concerned that New Zealand men looking for a short break opt for Sydney or Brisbane, Tourism Victoria decided to woo a bunch of blokes with a sporting long-weekend of rugby (the league variety), racing and beer. And golf. And food and wine. And a bit of culture in the form of cabaret and lusty acrobatics in the Spiegeltent.
And being good keen blokes, we went along for the ride. It was hell.
"That's the problem," we told the man from Tourism Victoria at Young & Jackson's, as we sampled a Naked Blond (a fine wheat beer which we would keep revisiting).
"There isn't one thing about Melbourne - it's got everything."
We were there on false pretences, all of us. While we like our sport, there is more to life. Most of us were more adept around a pool table than on one of Australia's toughest golf courses, but we could talk a good game - any game.
So we extolled the virtues of Melbourne's fine sporting arenas - the TelstraDome with its encloseable roof, the multi-purpose Rod Laver Arena, the Vodafone Arena and the MCG - all clustered within walking distance of the CBD and serviced by excellent public transport.
We told him how much we'd enjoyed inspecting an empty MCG. The invitation was a gamebreaker: "You can smell the liniment in the changing rooms." But the stadium built for the 1956 Olympics and revamped for the 2006 Commonwealth Games has a sense of grandeur and its place in sporting history is told with lustre by enthusiastic guides.
We didn't talk about the league, which New Zealand had just contrived to lose after leading the Aussies with five minutes to go. Rather we talked about the ease of access from city watering holes across a footbridge past the architecturally impressive Southern Cross Station.
It's said that Melburnians will flock to a blindfolded book-reading contest if one entrant is in green and gold; but at the TelstraDome they were drowned out at times by Kiwi supporters, who no doubt will be back next year when the city hosts an All Blacks v Wallabies rugby test.
We didn't talk at all about the Caulfield Cup which launches Melbourne's spring racing carnival, at which we had helped to ease the national debt earlier in the day.
The meeting, which drew 48,000, was a cultural eye-popper: teenage fillies in frocks inspired by jockeys' colours but with less fabric; their teenage boyfriends as sharp as used-car salesmen in their suits - and all of them there for the main purpose of getting trolleyed.
Whatever the Melbourne Cup carnival is, it's not about the racing. And there are four race days, culminating with the race which stops two nations next Tuesday.
We didn't even talk about women, much. What we talked about mostly was the variety of things to do in Melbourne, from the shows to the hidden bars and clubs and, yes, the shopping.
Not the kind of shopping found in malls, nor the fallacy of labels that women seem so impressed by.
What makes Melbourne a male shopping mecca is its quirky strips and precincts; places where you can browse unmolested and experience the full gamut of human endeavour and folly, where you will see and smell things totally foreign to the mall.
South Yarra, southeast of the city centre, is one of several shopping precincts where Venus and Mars can part company then meet in the middle with retail therapy needs met. The metro male accompanying the female shopaholic might consider the following option: Push wifey from the Number 78 tram at the high fashion end of Chapel St and stay on until the Dotti and Kookai and Mollini signs give way to those for Salvo's Op Shop, second-hand books and electrical supplies.
The Prahran end of Chapel St is the men's end. Here, the shops are distinguished by their peeling paint, dim lighting and windows where the mannequins, not the clothes, are for sale.
A good launching pad is Chapel St Bazaar, with its dye-cast toys, kitsch chandeliers and mothballed jackets. For a trendier take on junk, Tarlo & Graham at 60 Chapel St has everything from antique bureaux and pedal cars to musical instruments and wrought iron gates.
The Printed Image at 226 Chapel St has an eclectic range of prints and postcards as well as books on graphic design, photography and food.
Just Collectables and Alternate Worlds both have a good range of comics, models and battle toys.
The Prahran Market, dating from 1864, is well worth a diversion before the shackles come back on. Italian matrons pushing wooden shopping trundlers buy their meat, seafood, fruit and vegetables here but the delicatessens are what attracts the visitor with their array of cheeses, salamis, breads, dips, olives, stuffed peppers and dolmades.
Out the back, Essential Ingredients has balsamic vinegars, infused olive oils, capers and pasta as well as kitchenware and cookbooks. Even women would feel at home here.
If the top end of Chapel St has become too High St-fashion, Fitzroy, northeast of the city centre, retains its grungy edge.
Brunswick St, reached by Number 96 tram, is a heady blend of pubs, cafes, restaurants and shops selling clothing, shoes, second-hand records and CDs. The T-shirts, at shops like Tomorrow Never Knows and Rebirth, have quirky designs by names you won't recognise at reasonable prices.
Slightly more upmarket are Liquid and Currency and there's a Huffer store. Nearby, Gown of Horns will kit you out in gothic clothing and worse.
Polyester stretches the taste boundaries in books, magazines and comics, while there are good stocks of quality old vinyl at Dixon's Recycled and Sister Ray.
But what makes Fitzroy essential for the sports lover is its weathered and unpretentious pubs.
They exude character from the barstaff and patrons to the battered old couches, their ambience reinforced with low lighting and tasty sounds. As is the Melbourne way, many conceal rooftop garden bars.
Labour in Vain, opposite the Perseverance, is a good example. Stare down the hard-case locals and head upstairs to the leafy outdoor area with a Fitzroy Amber in hand.
A few streets down, off Fitzroy St, The Standard has a large shaded garden bar and excellent food.
Back on Brunswick St, pubs such as the Old Bar and Palookaville are stalwart hosts of live blues, R&B and country bands by night.
But for a thirst-quencher at any time, drop into Bimbo Deluxe at 376 Brunswick St for a Blond Bimbo, a wheat beer to rival the Naked Ale. You'll know it by its sign - a giant plastic doll baring all from the top floor. By night, apparently, the place lives up to its name.
Back in town, there's a similar variety of unassuming bars which over-deliver, such as Madame Brussels in Bourke St and Phoenix in Flinders St.
"So, if you had to pick one highlight," said the man from Tourism Victoria, "which would it be?"
"The league," I deadpanned. "Maaate."
Checklist
Getting there
Qantas offers daily services to Melbourne from Auckland and Wellington. Economy Class airfares are available from $680 (internet only). Further details visit Qantas or phone Qantas on 0800 767 400, or contact a travel agent.
Accommodation
See the Tourism Victoria website for bookings from $99 per room to over $300 per person per night.
Bike tours
Real Melbourne Bike Tours: City and beach tours cost $50 including tour, snacks and drinks. Or hire on self-ride basis from $15 an hour. Email biketours@internex.net.au or visit biketours.
Golfing
Golf Tourism Australia
Email: simon@golftourismaustralia.com or Golf Tourism Australia.
Koala Golf Tours
Email: info@koalagolf.com or Koala Golf.
What's on
Spring Racing Carnival, Oct 4-Nov 23
The Famous Spiegeltent. Cabaret, acrobatics and solo artists, Oct 12-Dec 17
Babes in the Wood, Nov 16-Dec 2.
U2 Vertigo tour, Nov 10.
Australian Open Tennis Championships, Jan 15-28
Melbourne International Music Festival, Feb 24-25
Miss Saigon, Her Majesty's Theatre. March, 2007
About the weather
Yes, the Crowded House song Four Seasons in One Day was written in Melbourne. One day can be 35C and muggy, the next cold and raining.
Further information
Visit Victoria
* Geoff Cumming visited Melbourne as a guest of Tourism Victoria.
Melbourne wants to attract Kiwi men with its pubs and sporting events, culture, wining and dining.
Melbourne has a problem: a desperate shortage of New Zealand men. Australia's second city has long been known for its food, arts and shopping - but these are seen, curiously enough, as attractive mainly to women.
Apparently, there are bonding issues between Melbourne and the Kiwi male. Or so the
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