One trapeze lesson does not a circus star make. This is among the first things I learn at the spectacularly refurbished Club Med Bali resort on the beach at Nusa Dua.
Luckily my devastating trapeze failure reminded me of another important lesson: if at first you don't succeed ... retire
to the bar for a cocktail and consider your options.
Fortunately, my options here are plenty and varied, and as sporty - or not - as I care to make them.
But for now I'm content to recline on one of the large day-beds dotted
around the bar and watch the world of Club Med mooch past. The spectacular, circular open- air bar is the centrepiece of Club Med Bali's $12.4 million facelift. It sits at a comfortably bustling cross roads between the pool, beach, watersports shed and restaurant, and is one of the few parts of the resort that can be seen from the sand.
Where other resorts along Bali's Nusa Dua strip loom large over the foreshore, each made up of several stories topped with bright terracotta roofs, Club Med is an oasis of grass, palms trees, and wicker-canopied circular loungers that encourage you gently into the foetal position.
For now though, it's time to wrench myself away from the assorted comforts of the bar to explore further afield.
At one end of the resort lies the nine-hole golf course, complete with golf pros always on hand to help perfect your swing.
Beside it - carefully fenced to prevent accidental skewering of golfers - is the archery range, where Club Med staff, or GOs as they are known, will take you through the basics of getting your arrows on the target, hopefully somewhere near the centre.
It's surprisingly easy and a great way to spend an hour or so - although watching small children with arms the circumference of bits of string wield their bows with pinpoint accuracy, like mini Robin Hoods, is a little disheartening.
If you're up for it there are tennis, squash and basketball courts too but by this time, for me, the temperature is steaming steadily towards 40C and the humidity is close to 100 per cent. It beats an Auckland autumn but it doesn't inspire naturally inert creatures such as I to excess activity.
In such circumstances there are really only two options: go to the watersports shed and get yourself wet with a bit of windsurfing, snorkelling or kayaking (classes are available for everything if you're a beginner); or, my preferred option, venture into the cool seclusion of the spa, which has just received its own $1.4 million makeover.
Here, you can be expertly pummelled and kneaded into a relaxed goo or have your every beauty need taken care of. It's bliss.
And even if you don't wish to take advantage of the full list of spa treatments you can still escape the comings and goings of the main pool area.
Attached to the spa is the "quiet zone" - smaller pool, surrounded by day-beds, a sauna, and a small bar. It's designed as an oasis of quiet - enclosed, literally, in rose-tinted glass, and covered in a large shade-sail that keeps the pool cool in the heat of the day. It's the perfect spot to escape for a nap, an uninterrupted swim or a quiet read.
Not that the main pool area is particularly raucous. The sheer size of the resort means that even when, as on my visit, it is close to capacity, it rarely feels crowded, there is no need for fisticuffs over poolside loungers or the even more enticing bright red curtained cabanas.
And there are few children shouting and charging about the place. Not because they're not welcome. Quite the opposite.
Club Med Bali is extremely popular with families because of its range of Mini Club programmes, catering from toddlers to teens. There are different activities and babysitting services that will keep the youngsters as busy as you want from dawn till dusk. They have their own pools, their own circus school, their own sports tournaments. I suspect they may even secretly be having more fun.
The only time you find plenty of people in one space here is during the phenomenal buffet at meal times. And then there's a pervading sense of party over the whole experience - largely revolving around what dish is the day's favourite and just how many courses could be considered too many.
Of course if the buffet has stretched your belt to the last notch, there's always aquarobics or yoga classes - though I confess the closest I came to those was thinking about them. But that, I decide, as I wallow like a water buffalo in the pool, is the art of Club Med - moulding it to fit.
Everything is included in your upfront cost - all food and drink and all activities except off-resort excursions, leaving you free to pick and choose how you spend your time. If you miss the buffet, there's always food available in another corner of the resort.
Feel like a Bloody Mary for breakfast? Help yourself. Feel like a steaming expresso despite it being 42C degrees? Go to it.
Want to dance all night, and sleep all day? Be their guest.
Want to meander about the pool in your budgie-smugglers while everyone mutters "undies, undies, undies" under their breath? Then off you go.
Happy to pretend you never really wanted to learn the trapeze anyway? Perfect.
Kerri Jackson travelled to Bali courtesy of Club Med and Pacific Blue.
* * *
Club Med resorts are all-inclusive, meaning all meals and drinks are
contained in the tariff. Offering everything from cooking and Balinese dancing classes, to sports tournaments, events are posted every day - but participation is at the discretion of guests. The resort can also book you on excursions around Bali, from four-wheel-drive tours, cycling and whitewater rafting, to temple sightseeing and shopping.
For more information on Club Med Nusa Dua visit www.clubmed.co.nz
Getting there
Pacific Blue has recently launched regular flights from New Zealand to
Denpasar, Bali. The flights depart Auckland daily and Christchurch every day except Thursday. Return flights from Denpasar to Auckland depart every Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Saturday, and to Christchurch every Tuesday and Thursday. Fares start at $499 one way. For details visit www.flypacificblue.co.nz
Flight Centre has Club Med Nusa Dua, Bali packages with return airfares from Auckland, Wellington or Christchurch, and eight nights'
accommodation for the price of six from $2886 an adult, and $1926 a
child. Available until April 31 for travel before October 31. Flight Centre also has other Bali packages, including return airfares flying from Auckland or Christchurch, plus five nights' accommodation and an adventure 3-in-1 package from $1365 a person. Available until April 4 for travel April 1 to June 30. Contact Flight Centre for both deals on 0800 00 44 33 or www.flightcentre.co.nz
Enjoy value accommodation in the heart of Sanur in Bali. Lots of local
dining, shopping and a golden beach. House of Travel has packages from
$1199 an adult, including seven nights' accommodation and flights from
Auckland. Available until April 3 for travel October 10-31. Contact House of Travel on 0800 838 747 or www.houseoftravel.co.nz
Bali: The art of relaxation
Unwind at the revamped Club Med Bali. Photo / Supplied
One trapeze lesson does not a circus star make. This is among the first things I learn at the spectacularly refurbished Club Med Bali resort on the beach at Nusa Dua.
Luckily my devastating trapeze failure reminded me of another important lesson: if at first you don't succeed ... retire
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