A list of things that will definitely happen at the Australian Tennis Open:
• Some people will complain about the heat.
• Other people, while acknowledging the 38 deg stifling temperatures, will remind those people that this happens round about the same time every year, it's called summer.
• Nick Krygios will make an early exit once again disappointing his legion of home fans. Oh, that's right, he already has.
• Bernard Tomic will make an early exit once again disappointing his legion of home fans. Oh, that's right, he already has.
• Some Richard Head in the crowd will take along a sign saying "Marry Me Caroline" aimed obviously at Ms Caroline Wozniacki.
• This idiot will also believe he's the first and only moron ever to do this.
• The stadium DJ, aka Richard Head, will play "Sweet Caroline" during at least one of her post-match interviews.
• This oxygen thief will also believe he's the first and only knob ever to do this.
• Meanwhile a whole group of Richard Heads all dressed in yellow will stand every 10 minutes to bore everyone with another rendition of "Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie, Oi Oi Oi".
• These tossers genuinely believe they are the first ever geniuses to ever do this.
• While everyone else around them just wishes they could be deported alongside that lovable Liverpool family who visited our shores recently.
• In fact, be honest, who didn't naturally assume they were from Queensland anyway?
• Someone else will moan about the heat.
• Serena will wear something on-court that only Serena could ever wear.
• Leaving many of us wondering, and hoping, that Wimbledon has ditched its all-whites-only policy because that green jumpsuit would look right nice next to centre-court's natural grass growth.
• And finally, if Serena wins title #24 and clinches the record, not a single solitary gripe will be heard from her about prejudice, sexism, racism, patronizing male attitudes, injustice, oppressive slave-masters or umpires either on-court or off.
• Although she may mention the heat...