Spammers know what we want - don't they?

Money, pornography, weight loss - is that all we're interested in? Surely we're not gullible enough to be taken in by spam. CHRIS BARTON reports.

An analysis of the spam I've received in the past week provides an alarming snapshot of net culture.

Removing the duplicates from about 100 junk e-mails, I was left with about 50 distinct pieces of rubbish - offers, advertisements, scams, con jobs or whatever you like to call them.

But assuming for a moment spammers do actually know something about the wants and needs of the web population, the spam they send may tell us something about a typical netizen's personality profile.

As well as having poor punctuation and grammar and a love of capital letters and exclamation marks, netizens are:

Very short of money

Seven offers in a week of loan packages, ways to eliminate or erase debt, mortgages made easier, second mortgages and free mortgage analysis.

Most truthful: "Fill out one quick form and we will instantly search thousands of lenders and programs for those that meet your exact needs. Click here NOW! It is 100% money and hassle FREE!" No hassles and no money - excellent!

Always trying to make money (possibly to service all those loans)

Seven offers to double your investment, make $5000 "Turn Into As Much As 15K To 20K Or Even More", generate income through a "Real Opportunity", buy Cal-Bay stock and start an internet gambling website.

Also the well-known Nigerian scam (Dr James Kokodia, Lagos, Nigeria) and a variation from Mr Wanga M - "I am citizen of former Zaire now Democratic Republic of Congo".

Best placed: "Learn about our strategy trading in the InterBank Foreign Currency Exchange. Example: A $5000 Investment in the Euro v the dollar, 'properly positioned', on 7/17/01 could possibly have returned $12,500 on 08/10/01." Wonder what happened if it was improperly positioned?

Obsessed by pornography and quite depraved

Six offers of incest porno, bestiality porno, celebrities exposed, celebrity footage, extreme adult farm action, plus an invitation to "come watch me and chat with me live on my webcam".

Sickest: "Warning! This message is intended solely for individuals of legal age interested in sex with animals."

Sexually insecure

Five offers to get excite cream for women, great sex in a bottle for men, Viagra and to boost multiple orgasm. Plus an offer to get high while "enhancing the sexual experience!!!"

Most out there: "KATHMANDU 2 ... a viripotent cannabis alternative for blissful regressions of vexatious depressions ... "

Very overweight

Five offers to lose 30lb in 30 days, lose weight sleeping, lose weight while building lean muscle mass, and for weight loss in one hour while reversing the ravages of ageing.

Most reducing: "Breakthrough formula shrinks your body by condensing fat, reducing water, and extracting unwanted particles from under your skin."

Spammers

Three offers for the best source of internet traffic, to make your business succeed, and to "deliver 1000's of users to your site within 3 days!!!"

Most far-reaching: " ... his software will enable you to send e-mails at the rate of over 10,000 pcs per hour, and to release information to thousands of people in a short time."

Always trying to fix their unreliable PCs

Three offers to make Windows more fault-tolerant and to boost reliability.

Most honest: " ... very safe, because it operates completely independent of Windows."

Blackmarket movie buffs

Three offers to copy DVDs for free.

As the spam says: "Why pay for a copy of a movie on DVD that you already have?"

Worried about death and always losing phones

Two offers of life insurance and two for cheap/free cellphones.

Occasionally

political - one request to help people of Acheh; nosy - an offer of asset and background checks; vain - cosmetic products; unable to write Chinese - one offer of a translating service.

Very gullible

Every e-mail had some sort of message proclaiming "this is not unsolicited e-mail" when clearly it was. Some were subtle lies: "We strongly oppose the continued sending of unsolicited e-mail ... " Others were blatant: "This e-mail is NEVER sent unsolicited. THIS IS NOT SPAM."

But as everyone knows, netizens aren't at all like this. All this unwanted junk is automatically deleted with little more than a cursory glance - isn't it?

* Have you ever responded to spam? Tell me about it - confidentiality guaranteed. chris_barton@nzherald.co.nz