By Peter Sinclair
Forced at last to declare who they dislike least, the voters of New Zealand stand irresolute, uncertain in whom to plunge the knife.
It was so easy once. When I was young there was a simple litmus-test for any line of conduct, one touchstone which could be applied to
any situation to test its quality and determine one's response: what would Jesus do?
It may seem an outmoded system of decision-making now, but in these uncertain times any guideline is better than none. Let's assume that Jesus is a middle-aged, middle-income voter of no fixed allegiance living in, say, Mt. Albert, half-anaesthetised by the lies and boasts and promises which are the muzak of elections.
Your columnist revisits the sites of some of those involved, then, in an attempt to help this floating voter reach some sort of consensus within Himself.
ACT (www.act.org.nz): the short-back-and-sides approach to governance, some of its principles would hold little appeal for a man who drove the money-changers from the temple - and after Pontius Pilate, Richard Prebble might seem somewhat déjà vu. At least the Libertarianz are rather more honest about the whole thing, and the philosophical jackhammers are thumping away at www.libertarianz.org.nz , where Lindsay Perigo finds it hard to shed the denunciatory habits of his socialist past [this year's "unconscionable" replaces last year's "scum"]. But I can't see that the man responsible for the maxim "Love thy neighbour as thyself" would be tempted to vote for either of them. It's reasonable to assume He would require at least some measure of faith, hope and charity in the party of His choice, and the far right possesses only two of these qualities in any abundance.
Alliance (www.alliance.org.nz): Jesus would certainly pause at this website, attracted by the professionalism of its drop-down boxes crammed with policies and the Biblical intensity of its leader's beliefs. He would probably respond to many of its promises – in fact, the party has stolen some of His best lines. But if deep down, as the Soviet stars indicating its links might suggest, the party is still Red in tooth and claw, He might wonder whether some of its militant New Labour members believe in Him at all. He might also decide that New Zealand doesn't really deserve three years in Purgatory.
Christian Heritage (www.chp.org.nz): this website, which appears entirely confident of His support as of right, might find itself disappointed on the night. For on closer approach, its odour of sanctity gives way to a hint of the pharisaic, and in some policy areas - homosexuality, capital punishment – there's a marked tendency to pass by on the other side.
Greens (www.greens.org.nz): if cleanliness is next to godliness, these true believers should have amply earned Jesus' vote. But as with the party above, the clean air of the Greens is sometimes tainted by a rank whiff of intolerance. The sheer joy of condemning their fellow-citizens for what they do seems too great for the Greens to forgo entirely; and the prospect of putting reproval into practice by denying others what they want makes this pleasure completely irresistible. Besides, if the meek shall inherit the earth, where does that leave Sue Bradford and Nandor Tanczos?
Labour (www.labour.org.nz): is vanity still one of the seven deadly sins? I only ask because Jesus might notice, as I did in a previous column, the miraculous transfiguration an election campaign has wrought on the Labour leader: "Helen Clark, Photoshopped into gorgeousness - teeth unsnaggled, eyes blue as a Siamese cat's - is pre-sented as lusciously electable… " She's also been known to covet her neighbour's ox, if he earns over $60,000.
National (www.national.org.nz): the Lady Macbeth of the Labour Party or the Boadicea of National? – this basically is Jesus' dilemma. Jenny Shipley, a sounding brass to the tinkling cymbal of Bill English, should remember that when He said "Suffer little children to come unto me", He didn't mean just the bulk-funded ones. Nor could she, by any stretch of the imagination, squeeze through the eye of a needle.
NZ First (www.nzfirst.org.nz): how millennial is it when the political grave suddenly yawns open and the double-breasted nightmare once more stalks the land? Sitting in a café with Robyn MacDonald one night last week over an indignant little merlot, her recitation of betrayal suggested that Winston Peters is just not the leader Jesus would be looking for. Once kissed, twice shy…
United (www.united.org.nz): I doubt whether Jesus would be tempted to board the Marie Celeste of New Zealand politics, if only on the grounds that He likes to be accompanied by at least twelve disciples.
No, as the Worm turns and the day of judgement approaches, I have the feeling that Jesus of Mt. Albert might be forced to remain, like so many of the rest of us, in the wilderness among the Lost Tribe of don't-knows…
BOOKMARKS
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Now it's Melissa and her toy-boys: LoveBoy attacks Windows NT by hiding in memory and reinfecting files as fast as antivirus software can clean them – download the patch at www.symantec.com/avcenter/venc/data/fun.love.html; BubbleBoy is even worse, the first Outlook virus able to infect a computer without its email carrier being opened by the user. Not yet widespread, but better visit http://windowsupdate.microsoft.com.
By Peter Sinclair
Forced at last to declare who they dislike least, the voters of New Zealand stand irresolute, uncertain in whom to plunge the knife.
It was so easy once. When I was young there was a simple litmus-test for any line of conduct, one touchstone which could be applied to
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